grrrrr.

sometimes i wish i could disect my brain, take out all the parts that make me think, and then stick it back in my skull and be a hell of a lot happier.
everything would be fine if id just stop thinking. i love living with my brother, its friggen amazing. but sometimes i get confused, like when people ask where i live or when i try to make plans but dont know where the hell i'll be living when the time comes. case and point: summer. how the hell am i gunna figure out all the camp stuff when i dont even know where i friggen live. i live in lc for now, but how long will it last? i dont plan on moving back to ubo anytime soon thats for sure. i dont friggen know where i belong, where the fuck is "home"? does "home even exsist? i dont know but if i know anything its that im happier living with ben than i have been in a hella long time.

i seem to be messing up a lot lately. my life is getting more and more complicated, so how do i deal? i just dont think about it. its amazing how much better i feel when i dont think. but i have to be careful because when i allow myself to think about stuff i start getting depressed, and then i make mistakes like cutting again or planning on....nevermind.....just stupid stuff.

the kaleo grad is coming up and its causing me to feel...different....i dunno....i never thought id feel like this because of them...did i not tell them to stay out of my life when i first met them?....why does no one ever just listen and disapear when i tell them to? friggen qwanoes people...there just too amazing.

every now and then i get a burst of excitement when i think about qwanoes and the summer and how it could potientally be the best thing to ever happen to me....if i get acccepted that is....which i doubt. but just the thought of it keeps me going when things get extra tough. right now ive got a lot of decisions to make tho, for one....youth camp...go or not go? or work osc?....where would i go if i went "home"? ubo or lc? where the fuck will i be living then?.... i know for a fact that so many people will be wanting to party with me the second i get back....if i go that is.... and if i go and then go back how the hell could i do that? id be hurting so many people i just couldnt do it. and if i dont get accepted... what will i do with my summer? is it just gunna be another drunken ubo/lc summer? sure jumping off the bridge, tubing down the river, spending all day at the beach, camping, getting haggered and then starting all over again for 2 months straight sounds awesome right? well....what if i said thats not what i want to do? what if i said id rather spend the whole summer at a christian camp away from all my friends at home with no drugs or alchol? crazy right? thats what my friends think... but thats where i want to be. i will sorta miss the drunken beach days but its worth it. so many thoughts run through my head concerning summer its unreal. my cousin said he'll go to camp with weed and a mickey... fuck i hope he doesnt. what would i do? i sure as hell wont do anything but i dont know how i could tell him why not. fuckin hell why must this be so confusing?
i sure hope none of the cit potientials are readin this cuz if they are im probally so out. but if you are reading this try to understand that im just blowing steam and qwanoes is where all of my loyalties lie.