i dont even know.

i dunno what is going on with me. i feel so... confused and torn and broken yet somehow held together by nothing more than a lie. it doesnt work well... its like breaking a lamp and then trying to fix it with tape. its broken, falling apart, and only held by something weak. or maybe im just crazy. sometimes i wonder. thoughts of suicide are strangling my mind and my life. i tried to talk to somebody about it, but i cant really trust him anymore, and then i got scared that he might do something so i promised id stay alive. and im trying to stick to that promise but its so hard, i dont think i can do it. but i am going to try. how am i supposed to ask him for help when im feeling like that now? i feel like im no longer in control of my life. its all teachers, parents, and friends telling me what to do, how to think, what i can and cant do, and forcing me into things. they try to tell me what is going on in my head, they think they know me, but they have no fucking clue.

so many people hate me now. and it hurts cuz they hate me because they know im feeling suicidal and then they just make me feel even worse.

theres one person i can usually go to with anything. he's been there for me since grade 8 and i used to consider him a life-line. but he said something recently that completey destroyed me. he didnt just break my heart, he shattered it and took the peices. maybe im just being retarded, it wouldnt be the first time. but for some reason the simpliest little thing he said has taken away every shed of hope i had left. i've turned my back on all my beliefs, morals, hopes and dreams all because of one little sentance. and im wondering how i let him have the power to do that. the promise i made seems so insignificant now that i have nothing left to live for, but i really dont want to hurt him any worse than i already have, so how could i break that promise by ending my life? and now i dont know what to do. my life goal has been to have my entire life focusing on god, but now god seems scary and mean and dark and hateful. i've lost the desire to follow him, as if its been taken away by the thing that made me want to follow him in the first place. but then... qwanoes.... cit... ever since i was 8 qwanoes has been my life. how could i turn my back on everything i've been working for. and i've gotten somewhere. i've been accepted for cit. i've gone to church and youth all year. i've read 2 and a half books of the bible and i've transformed myself multiple times. i've even broke down and prayed begging to be made a christian, but now it feels like i've just thrown it all away. its like im dead but my alive, ive lost everything ive ever had except for my pulse. i can only hope that i will soon lose that too and everything will be over and done with. and then i wouldnt have to live in this pain. id rather be in hell.

so i think im gunna just wait things out. see what im really gunna do. am i really gunna walk away from god and qwanoes and cit and friends and life and everything? i dont know. but for now i've got some straightening out to do. and i think the only way i can do that, is if i walk away from everything, not just god and friends and stuff, but parents, stoner buddys, every part of my life. and just focus on me until i can figure this stuff out. but can i really do that? its incredabuly hard for me to spend any time alone. unless im cutting. which really isnt going to help right now.

my friend Lauren gave me a bracelet a few month ago, i never take it off. it says p.u.s.h, which means pray until something happens. when im about to cut i have to look at the bracelet while im doing it, and it usually makes me stop and call someone instead. or just feel incredabuly guilty. but now its like, ultimate "fuck you" to god. and thats what i want. but it isnt what i want at all. not in the least. but part of me does. and that scares me and hurts me so badly i want to punch myself in the head for even thinking that. its like im battling myself, a strange part of me says "fuck you god, i quit" and the other part of me says " what the hell are you doing, dont do it, dont say that, god is good and your a disguisting stoner bitch who doesnt deserve any of the stuff he's given you. your a liar. you love god. dont kid yourself. dont spit in the hand thats trying to help you." i get so mad at myself i dont know what to do. i need to sort this shit out. and the only way i can think of is running to god and just holding onto him, but thats what im trying to walk away from. im so confused. maybe i need to talk to him. crazy as that sounds. but what if he doesnt talk back? wont that just make it worse?

somebody please rescue me. i need help.

that place my parents have been talking about, ledger house, well.... im starting to think i really want to go there. im starting to think i desperately need to go there. but maybe im just crazy.

they made me sign a conract that says i will contact someone off a list of people if im feeling suicidal or if i feel like cutting or just need someone to talk to. this is how the list came out when we made it...

-crisis line (they insisted on putting that on, as if id ever actually use it)
1. Daniel (thats out)
2. Lauren (thats also out, she's pissed at me)
3. Matthew (thats out, stupid promise, now i feel like i cant talk to him about it)
4. Jonathan ( he's so hard to get a hold of)

so basically all the people i said id talk to, i cant talk to anymore. what the fuck am i supposed to do?
btw if any of the people on this list are reading this ( a few of them stalk my blog so i guess thats a huge possibility) im sorry if that hurts, its really not my intention at all. im just trying to let it out. if i dont.. i'll probally end up cutting. or, i'll probally end up cutting tonight anyways but whatever. and all im realy saying is that its hard for me to talk to you right now. but only because im going through a hard time. i really do mean it when i say i love you, but you assume im superfical and just say it without meaning it at all. so wtf am i supposed to say? " okay thats fine, your right im a total superficial bitch because im not as close to god as you are, sorry i guess im hopeless"
fucking whatever. im dont with my little rant. please dont get offended.

on a brighter note... i found my razor blade, i thought i lost it. i get back to my parents house in a few hours so yeah, i'll finally be able to deal with it..

theres a certain someone who's gunna give me hell for this, go ahead i feel bad enough as it is, i dont think it can get much worse by you freaking.