communion

so i've been at camp, then at ledger, then at camp for two weekends, and now... for the third time in the past 3 months, i can actually go to youth group and church. but of course it just so happens that its the first sunday of the month which means... the dreaded, the terrifying, the horific.. (dramatic music)... communion. okay so maybe it doesnt sound like something horific but it is to me okay, im just retarded like that.

i got to the route of my fear of communion this summer. i know exactly why im afraid of it, and its kinda not a legit fear anymore because i've changed so much.. but im still scared of it, why? this summer God basically told me "stop being so scared, i want you to take it" so i went to q-town the day they were doing communion, and then ran away at the word "communion". but i've been thinking about it a lot lately and i dont want to run away anymore, i want to take it, but im scared.

so basically... the main cause of the fear is simple. people keep saying "dont take communion unless you are in a good place with God" "if you screwed up, dont take communion" so i, realizing that im basically just a little shit-head and have no right to take part in something that special, ran away or just didnt go all together, every single time since i was like 8 and didnt know what it was. the one time i actually didnt run away and just didnt take it, "she" definately noticed. so it ended like this..
"oh, you dont believe in God"
"what????"
"if you dont take communion, you dont believe in God, its a way to show our love for him"
"you dont have a clue what it means"
and after that, i ran and hid or just didnt go, every single time.

i talked to Jim about it, and apparently i was wrong. its not about being perfect, its about realizing we're not even close to perfect, knowing how much we need him and remembering what he did for us. he said that all the times i ran away, would actually be the perfect time to take it because i was recognizing how special it actually is.

i think abother big part of it, was i was not fully living for God last year, and i felt like it was only for those people who actually live for him day to day. its kinda weird being like... wow... i guess now i'm "one of those people". but im still a little shithead. i dunno, i bet anything that on sunday i'll run away from it again, and the next time, and the next time, and the next time....

why am i still so scared of it?