nonverbal learning disability.

if i havent said yet,
when i was a kid i was diagnosed with two things that are going to stay with me for my entire life and it sucks, a diseased thyroid and a "nonverbal learning disability". for my entire life these things will stay with me. the thyroid thing isnt so bad unless i forget to take my medication but it does mean i need to get blood work done every 3 months and if a problem comes up then i have to get it done a lot more often i had to get it done daily for some reason i had to get it done twice this month so im kinda worried, anyways... i got neurophycoligical testing done while i was at ledger and the results say basically the same thing only now we know more what it is. i'll tell you one thing... i dont like it. but its part of me and its something i will always have to deal with. it explains a lot, much as i hate to admit it. so due to my learning disability and the fact that school has been one of my biggest struggles since grade 7 when i started barely passing, last year i passed one subject. only one, and im getting credit for p.e so i guess thats 2 subjects. other than that i suffered, my teachers suffered, my parents suffered, nobody benefited from me being in school. therefore there are many different theories on how to help me with it.

theory #1
the people at ledger think it would be best if i just stop going to school all together for a while. pros.. dad cannot possibly be on my case about school all the time if im not in school, he'd have to shut up, and if he would shut up then thats 75% of all my stress gone. cons.. how the heck would i graduate? what would i do? how would i get a job? i dont want to be a drop out.

theory #2
Mrs. Taylor thinks it would be best if i just did one subject at a time for all the ones i failed, meaning i'd graduate a year later. pros... less work, still get to go to school, see friends, less stress, etc ect. cons.... i'd graduate a year later, id have too much time to kill in lc because the stupid buses run one every 3 or 4 hours on the new scheduale.. meaning i'd go to class and then have to kill 2 hours in lc every day, to which id be going to the same place, tempted with the same things, and most likely fall flat on my face.

theory #3
my mom sujested one subject at a time in... um... homeschool.
sure as god made little green apples i am NOT under any circumstances doing homeschool. im not even going to bother with the pros and cons cuz i could list a million reasons why it would be a terrible decision. sooooo not doing it. im shocked that she would even suggest it.

so something i've been thinking about a lot lately, this stupid learning disability is defining my life for me. thats not right. im so sick of people telling me that i can't do it. and yet when i try to prove them all wrong i fail and feel worse. i hate it when they say i cant do it but i guess they are right. i cant do it. i dont know what to do. i want to just give up but then where would that leave me? i want to try harder but i'll probally just fail as always, i'm out of options. who is in control of my life? what can i do? i dont know anything anymore. depression is sneaking up on me and i'm scared. i cant handle this, or can i? maybe i can i dont know. im trying to stay focused on what i know to be true but it seems im in a battle between the old me and the person that God wants me to be, that i want to be. i feel so torn. do i give up? do i keep fighting? what am i even fighting for? i dont even know..