trying to use strength i dont have

i am not going to cut tonight. i am not going to cut tonight. i am not going to cut tonight. i feel like the temptations and the things i am feeling right now are going to tear me apart. i dont know what to do. but i cant give in. if i give in now that would be like totally slapping God in the face, not to mention...um.... i need to be a good example right now. how can i tell others not to do it if im doing it? grrrrr..... i need weed! wtf am i saying? i want weed, i want cigarettes, i want to go out and get drunk and do stupid shit but i cant. i havent done that in 4 months and im not starting again now. i need to stay strong, but i am falling apart. and im not going to camp this weekend so its like.... shoot. im completely on my own for.... a long time. i wish i could call a random trip to vic or something but no... of course it just had to be halloween this weekend. i cant do this anymore. im not strong enough. but then again.... i cant let go. frig, why didnt i just die in april like i was supposed to, i wouldnt have to deal with this shit if id just gotten what i wanted in the first place, but i guess thats kinda stupid too cuz then.... what would have happened if i had died that night? i dont really know but sometimes i think the world be a way better place if i did. i dont really want to die tho, no danger of another attempt people, dont worry. i just... i dunno... why did they have to stop me? honestly. but i guess i should be grateful that i was given a second chance at life and i need to use it for what God wants. but its so hard and im so tired. i just want it to be over, but i guess now that i've decided not to kill myself i've got years and year of this torture left to live. maybe it will get easier in a few months... maybe i should just give up... maybe... maybe i should just talk to someone about this already. but who would i talk to? the kaleos dont know anything about me and i plan on keeping it that way, the people i usually talk to seem to not be around, and i know exactly who i really need to talk to but i dunno, i just havent been able to talk to her yet. maybe i should talk to Claire about all this but i dunno, i dont usually talk to her about this kind of stuff but then again it could be really helpful considering she can probally relate to a few things... but that would be getting attached to a kaleo again which i dont want to do, even the ones i already know, i am not going to let myself get attached to them. i am so lost right now. i think i know what i need though, i need to go to vic and see Sarah and Lauren. i think i need a girl, or maybe i dont and i just think i do because of course i dont really have any girls i can talk to who will encourage me and not be like "oh that sucks, want a smoke?" grrr im going to lose my mind.