many times i dont know where to go, which way does the river flow?

okay so God definately decided to talk to me through one of my amazing cit sisters today, and i know it was God because she knew i wasnt doing so great and needed some encouragement, how else would she know? it was definately encouraging but also challenging. she said that i need to learn to totally despise the life i used to live, if i dont despise it, how can i resist it? i need to despise drugs and cigarettes and cutting and all that stupid crap i was into, but can i? what if i cant? and if i cant... does that mean i love it? i cant love it, i must love God and those things totally go against him. i need to let go of my old life and accept the fact that thats not me anymore, and embrace this new way of life i am discovering.

though right now, i'm learning through struggles, im in a state of confusion and a lot of self-doubt but it will pass.

another thing thats cool, well.. im reading this awesome book, and its helping me a lot. its about secrets and why girls tend to bottle things up so much, and how to let go and get over secrets and stuff. i've only read 2 chapters so far, in the first chapter the book asks us to write down our secrets, why we keep them, and a prayer. in the second chapter, it asks us to write a letter to a parent or someone talking about issues with home life, how it makes you feel, what you usually do instead of talking about it, and what you resolve to do instead of harming yourself. its helped me a lot although maybe i should let go of a few of those secrets, but not now.