i failed. i really thought i was getting somewhere, i really thought my plan was gunna work, i really thought i could quit forever, but i guess i was dead wrong. now what? it seems like i've ruined everything. and for what? what is the point in smoking weed? acceptance? fun? whats it worth? one day of having fun and acting like an idiot, compared to how much i always beat myself up about it. i friggen hate myself, i was finally getting somewhere, i was finally happier, and then i ruined everything, and i didnt even want to..
so i was talking to a friend, he asked if i was interested in buying a gun, i told him i am.. but now i'm not so sure.. i mean... what if someone got hurt? i dont want that to happen... and if i kill myself.. what about qwanoes? and youth group, and church, and family, and all my fantastical c.i.t girls... and then what about helping people? i cant do much of that if im dead. and what would the campers think? clearly, not a good idea. so why am i so tempted to buy the gun, when i know i shouldnt.
i really want to cut right now, but im not going to, because apparently it hurts people, and i know it hurts God..
i dont know what to do about this recent failure tho, i feel like i should just give up.. but i dont really want to... maybe i should just keep trying.. at least its not every single day like it used to be, i have improved..
c.i.t starts soon. thank God. things are looking up for me, i can feel it.
oh and btw, to all of you who think its satan who's tempting me, he's a friggen douche and a half. you know, i hope he tries every trick he's got, yeah, he got me today, but did he really get me if im running back to God? i refuse to let satan win. he may win the small victories, like today when i fell hard, but i will not let him control me anymore, im just gunna get back on my feet and keep fighting, i've got God on my side now... how can i lose?
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