thats right. 7 days. i've been counting. i'm taking it one day at a time and i think its really working. its been hard. sometimes it takes everything in me to make it through the day, and then i get to my house and am filled with a sense of "wow, i made it another day" so im usually pretty happy with that until the evening when im like "oh shit now i need to get through tommorrow, what if i fail?" so far i've been doing pretty good. the only thing i've been still falling into this week is cigarrettes and drama. friggen drama to the max. it never ends.. cant i have one day that isnt focused on who fucked who and who's doing what drugs, who's saying what, who's fighting who, who stole what. and who just got taken away from their parents, its all just friggen drama. its bullshit. why should any of it matter? it shouldnt. so why am i always involved no matter how hard i try to stay out of it? i always get dragged into things. but whatever. i made it 7 whole days. even when everybody around me was smoking weed, even when people were begging me to drink with them, even when i was so tempted to do E again when it was right infront of me, I SAID NO. thats a big deal for me. i guess i should shut up, i mean, its only a week... but still... im pretty happy. ever since i stopped smoking weed and drinking and stuff i feel so much better, im attending class more frequently, even managed to catch the bus a few times, actually particapating once in a while, reading the c.i.t book, swimming a lot, tend to have a nicer attitude, i feel so much better and a lot healthier. im enjoying it. now if only i could stop smoking i'd be set. tommorrow will be really hard. after school we're going tubing down the river and possibly jumping off the carbridge, of course, everyone figures days like that are made for drinking and getting stoned. but i refuse to fall now. i made it 7 days, a whole week, im not gunna ruin it. i can do this... right? please pray for me.
this week i've been going on about this weekend being my only weekend off and wanting to do everything that is an essential part of summer in lc/ubo before camp. so i made about a millon plans. today i got home and cheaked my email, i have to work. so when i first got it i kinda groaned to myself and told my mom about it, she asked me where my loyalty's lie and said i can always postpone the shopping spree. i went back to my room and with a sigh said " of course, i'd love to work that weekend too" then i sorta smiled thinking " hmm... how typical...." (in a very good way) but i was kinda feeling overwhelmed. i then got an email back saying "you are a star, completely reliable through-and-through, we really appriciate it, and i know the kitchen loves having you around too" it touched my heart. this is the place that i love, that i can call home, and they actually want me there. im not good at anything. im failing school, i dont have any talent, i really dont have anything to offer, yet they still want me. its just dishpit, but its acceptance. i am going home. and i get to stay there all summer. how friggen amazing is that! i cant believe i ever groaned about it even for a second. yeah, i have hella plans to cancel, but its so worth it. i cant believe i got here. after all the challenges i've faced, im going somewhere. i'm living out my life-long dream. sometimes it makes me so happy i could cry. life is so good. i guess i needed just a few words of encouragement to remind me of the great gift God has given me, and the amazing plans he has for me. i hope i never lose sight of that again, even if it was only 5 minutes..
theres a few things i need to do..
- read the bible
- pray more often
- stop allowing myself to get sucked into the drama
- be nicer to people
- speak up
- quit smoking
- read c.i.t book
- allow God to open my heart, and help me to see all my faults so he can repair them
i might need some encouragement on this one. but lately i've realized, i've got a lot of people on my side.
this year almost killed me, and look where i am now... i am so friggen glad i am alive. today i came across the suicide note i wrote a while ago, i laughed. i was in the darkness. now im out.
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