yesturday was tough. extremely. i had sooooo many people offering me weed and asking if i'd party with them this weekend. at one point i even had the pipe shoved into my hands as they all told me it was stupid not to smoke it. i said NO! thats 5 whole days i've made it without weed or drinking or drugs.. its hard, but 5 days i've made it. i want to see how long i can last. i want to challenge myself with it. i guess its nothing to be that proud of, i mean, its only 5 days.. but i made up my mind to quit and i'm doing it! i guess i should get realistic, i mean, kinda pathetic that a mere 5 days is such an accomplishment. but if i can make it another two days... and then another... and another... and 16 more (plus today so i guess 17).... and then it will be staff training week... and then cit... and then more osc... and then i'll gete home and go to school and i'll be able to say i made it 3 months without it, and i wont let myself fall like that again, if i can make it 3 whole months... then i'll win this constant battle. im just taking it one dy at a time for now.
i was looking at my agenda (stupid thing they make us write in for planning) and i was kinda looking back at the calendar part. i saw all the days and all the months of the year crossed out as they had come and passed and i thought about all the things that happened this year. all the shit i went trough, all the changes that happened, everything. and i was sitting back thinking, wow, this year should have killed me (literally) but somehow i made it to the end and for whatever reason, even though i struggled so much this year, all my wildest dreams are now coming true. how did this happen? what did i do right? how did i survive this year that had 'death' written all over it? how did i make it here? sometimes i look around at the nature, or the people at school, or little kids, or just the experiances in my life, and i wonder; how could God possibly not be real? how could i possibly go through another day not following him when he's done so much for me.. how could i possibly not see this before?
theres a few things im still struggling with, but i know God will help me through it.
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