in they're mind, i've died.

i went to my school to pick up some work today, everyone that saw me looked like they had seen a ghost or something, it was weird. it was as if everybody thought i died. when we drove past Koal on his bike he was staring at me so much that he ended up turning to the middle of the road, stopping and staring at me as if i was resurrected from the dead or something, it was crazy.

i really want to get into the claremont review, they have an annual contest, and i think i'm going to enter it. the due date is march 15th. and if i win i will feel like such a success, but why do i put so much empathesis and worth into one contest that can only have 3 winners out of all kids between 13 and 19 throughout canada that entire, and its thousands, maybe even millons. its as if im worth nothing if i dont win, but the chances of me winning are soooooo low, its nearly impossible. but what a dream come true that would be. maybe someone would read it and offer me a job in writting. now that would be a dream come true, but i should get realistic, i mean really, how could i possibly win something like that? i'm simply not good enough. grrrrrrrr but why? what makes me not good enough? why do i think i cant do it? why dont i have more confidence in myelf? why the heck would i have confidence? what reason do i have to think that i could write something so good that i could win something like that, its ridiculous. i shouldnt even try. but if i dont try that would be even worse than failing. i have to give it a shot, but what if i dont get it? i guess i could try again next year... i've gotta do it. this is my big chance. if only i was a better writter...

i miss my kaleos!!! and i really wonder why none of the new kaleos are going to my youth group this year, its kinda retarded. i wish my kaleos were back, i bet the new kaleos are nothing like them. i bet the new kaleos are gunna be complete strangers to me, i bet the new kaleos are gunna hate me for working so many retreats, i bet the new kaleos want nothing to do with anyone. what is with me and the new kaleos? grrrrr they're probally really nice people and i'll probally instantly regret the things i've thought about them as soon as i meet them, but to me theyre just like a broken lifeline, they could have saved me from so much this year but for whatever reason that didnt work out, which is not theyre fault at all but grrrrr. why cant we just have the old kaleos back? i miss them so much...

she clearly has it out for me. i wonder if she's bi-polar......