last night was rough. i was thinking about a million different things at once and depression started to creep its way in. i was really tempted to cut again, i almost gave in, i was so close to letting satan win. thankfully i put the blade down and tried to remind myself of who i am, where i am, and who i'm serving, and i knew that if i gave in it would only hurt God and bring me further away from Him. so i didnt do it. the fact is, these days, i have been clinging to God more than i have in a long time, i need to, but sometimes i can't really feel Him and i get scared cuz it feels like im clinging to nothing, but He is there and i need to trust Him. but its kinda like... i came so close to messing up... and no one is going to read this and try to help me, everyones just gunna be like 'oh good, you didnt do it,' but i came so close, what if i give in next time? i don't want to be like this anymore, i don't want this to be taking over my life so much. i need help. but no one is there. nothing is helping. the only thing i can do is just try to cling to God and hope that if i hold on to Him long enough He will have compassion and free me from this. but i dont think i'm strong enough to do that. everyone thinks i've been doing so well with everything thats going on, people think i'm so strong, but i'm not. i never have been. and people seem to be giving up on me now too. like.. it used to be that they would try so hard to convince me not to cut and now its like ' no, dont, okay goodnight' what can i do?
i really really hope i won't be at the k7's graduation but i think i already signed up to work for it back in january with my staff application. maybe i'll be able to keep myself so busy with dishes that i wont have to say goodbye to them.
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