??????

why is this suddenly happening to me? all these guys suddenly taking interest at the same time, when its really the last thing i need right now. and it makes me feel special but at the same time its like, fuck, why now? and i want to tell all these guys to back off for now, but everytime i try, they friggen make me melt and i forget why i wanted to tell them to back off. i feel so teenage-girl-ish. it aint cool. i need them all to leave me alone. but i cant tell them that. and a few of them are really starting to care about me too much, i dont want to hurt them but i have to. so why am i getting butterflies? frig, and some of them are saying there praying about it and feel like its okay, and i think its bullshit. and i realized what i really need. i need a guy who can just be my best friend and not try to push me into a relationship. apparently thats just too much to ask for. but i dunno, i've learned that i'm the 'in between' girl. good enough for the moment, good for when they're feeling lonely, just entertainment until they find somebody better. maybe this has something to do with my fear of saying no, and my always thinking of guys as brothers and assuming they know that when clearly not all of them do. damn. why now? i need to end whatever this thing is before someone gets hurt. and im making a new vow to stay single at least until my birthday. why cant things go back to normal? this is all too confusing. and what if it distracts me from c.i.t? i think right now i just need my girls. frig.