1. my friends are getting quite annoyed with my lack of being around. i havent even seen them since like... june 12th or something like that. and they dont know about all the things that have happened since then. im worried about going back to school, it will be the start of a majorly tough year. i still have to tell my friends that im not doing any drugs anymore, or anything illegal in general is a bad idea... once i tell them that,what will they do? what will they say? will they still be my friends? grrr its such a tough thing to tell them and they know im back now so if i was at home id probally be with them right now.
2. by being here, i get to meet some of the new kaleos. they seem pretty cool. i'm talking to a few of the kaleos that go to duncan youth groups and hopefully that will help me with the decision i need to make about church. i must say- they sure have a way of making you feel welcome. maybe i was wrong about them, i dunno.
3. by being here, i can hopefully learn something, and also, im getting a lot of good insight on what i should do regarding church. so thats cool.
in general though... im feeling a lot more self conscious than usual, and i seem to be trying to ignore my problems without knowing that im trying to ignore my problems because i know i shouldnt but i am. does that make sense?
tommorrow as soon as i get off work im going on "mission impossible" with my mom and my brother...
step 1: tea or something with grandpa, drop him off, and then try to act like we didnt see him
step 2: speed shopping
step 3: dinner with Grandma while trying to pretend that A) we were no where near Grampa and B) i was not just at a phyc ward for a month C) i didnt fail grade 10 D) im already back in school and doing very well
this could end in disaster.
and honestly, i should be so grateful that i just got a bunch of new stuff and im getting more tomorrow right? i want it all gone, i hate it. why? because as soon as i get something nice and then my mom gets in a bad mood suddenly im selfish, greedy lil brat, nothing is ever "enough". honestly, i would rather have nothing than have her say that about me. i dont want anything anyways. im so sick of her saying that about me. do i really seem like im that kind of person? i wish i could just get rid of everything but that would just make her more mad. isnt there anything i could do that wouldnt end in getting shit from my parents?
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