grrr

i dont want this anymore
but at the same time, i dont want it to go away
im done with my past
yet i still dwell in it sometimes
maybe if my heart stopped beating it wouldnt hurt this much
i kinda wish it could all just be over. right. now. but its not and i dont intend on making another attempt to end it. but still, whats the point in me being alive anymore? im pretty sure i did what i was supposed to do, why cant i just die now? what am i saying? this is bad, this is really bad. i should not be thinking this anymore, i thought i was over these thoughts but i guess im not, i wonder if i ever will be. i guess God has something else planed for me, i know he wouldnt put me through anything i cant handle, i just wish he didnt trust me so much. frig, why is this happening? i thought id be so much better after the weekend, i mean, it was so encouraging, but theres some stuff that i still need to work through i guess. frig, i need to talk to my kaleos, but theyre gone and i need to let go already.