ironic

i find it somewhat strange how after like 2 months of not being able to talk to any girls about anything and then i finally got to one day and i kept saying to a friend of mine "im so glad i can finally talk to a girl about this" and the next day a friend was saying to me "its so nicee to have a girl to talk to, not just about boys but about whats really going on, im glad your here"

its cool how even if theres something you dont really have, like someone you can really connect with and go to for help, you can be that someone for somebody else. the truth is, theres been times that i have seriously thought my brain would explode just by thinking about God. those times were not from asking for help or readoing the bible or anything focused on me and my relationship with God. the times that i learn the most and grow the most are the times when i'm helping someone else. if anyone is reading this and does not have someone under their wing i would strongly advise you do it. not only will it help them but it will make you so much stronger.

im in need of a lot of prayer right now. for oppourtunities to tell people about God and to serve him, for strength and patience and the ability to be a good mentor to people. to actually go to church on communion and not run away in fear, more than that i think i should actually take it this time, though i highly doubt that will happen. for open hearts when i talk to my parents about baptism and for patience if it ends horrible and they freak. and for the strength to allow myself to be broken, to stop building up so many walls, i didnt really realize i was doing it until i thought about the kaleos... im such a bitch by thinking of them as the replacements, i want this to stop. i want to see them as the awesome people they are and not be constantly restraining from getting to know them simply because they are kaleos, kaleos leave. theres this one guy, he's so awesome and its easy to talk to him and i hardly ever feel different around him, its like having a brother almost execpt i keep holding back. i try not to let him know anything about me. the most i've ever told him about me was about my mom, Jon, and a few random memories of my friends. i want to talk to him more but im scared because i dont want him to be Jon's replacement. theres another friend i have at kaleo, i knew him before he was a kaleo but now i think of him differently. i dont talk to him as much as i used to and when i do i feel guilty about it because i always think 'is he becomeing Jon's replacement' this is not right. but its the same thing with this girl at kaleo, she's awesome and so accepting of people but i never talk to her because i think "what if she becomes my replacement for Kylie" this just aint right. it needs to stop. so yeah...