rant

somebody wake me from this nightmare, i cant escape myself. 

what the frig am i gunna do? what is the point in anything? fuckin hell im sick of it. stupid promises. stupid broken trust. stupid parents. stupid grades. stupid drugs. stupid life. stupid me. its all just fucking stupid shit over and over. i dont want to deal with it. and then i got friends at my back thinking i dont care about them or something when the only fucking reason im still alive is because of them. whats there to live for though really? i mean, everything would be so much better if i wasnt here. and fucking drama to the max in lc, its only a matter of time until i drown in all the fuckin lake town gossip and lies and just fucking retarded shit. and then living with my parents is like suicide in its self. i might as well be dead. i cant stand them. my momma's okay, she's always been pretty decent. but fuck, me and my dad are always at each others throat. i wish mom would divorce his ass and get a better guy. one that would spoil her. one that she could actually spend time with. someone that would make her feel like a romantic couple, not buisness partners. i mean, fuck there married and they never get to spend any time together that there not working, and when they do, they talk about work.  i am never ever ever in a thousand millon years gunna get married. id rather be tortured to death biblical-style.  but at least i get along well enough with my mom that we can joke about stuff. but lately some of my moms jokes about what happened are getting to me. but i dunno, maybe theres something wrong with me. i've been thinking about "god stuff" and friends and all that, i've decided that this is fucking retarded and the damage is done so i guess theres nothing i can do about it. but i wish i could talk to Daniel about everything thats going on right now. but i guess thats pretty impossible, the damage is done. i got my acceptance letter for cit. i'm in for all the weeks i applied for and im applying for an extra 2. that would make an entire summer. but apparently my mom never signed me up for youth camp when she said she would so now i guess i cant go. i was really looking forward to that, but i guess it doesnt mater i mean, when your granted something far beyond your wildest dreams, its unreasonable to be upset when its over. and this summer will be amazing. but... can i stay alive another 2 months until then? well... i guess i can try. maybe if i just spend the whole time partying it will go by faster, but then more guilt and shit to deal with. hmm... i dunno. i think im in desperate need of a random trip to victoria. or maybe vancouver... well... actually that would be perfect.. i could see Jordana again! i really hope i can go... but im too broke, i highly doubt i could. i guess im just stuck here in my misery.  and yet again more bad news... to put in breif.. my only real brother (yes i am going to call him my only brother because if i think about the other two bad things will happen) completely hates me and its not getting any better. and then i got in another fight with my dad... lots of yelling... and of course then he said some shit about qwanoes and i lost it on him and nearly punched a hole in my wall. yeah... harsh things were said. i almost wish he would lose it and give me a black eye so i can get myself taken away from him forever and i hope id never have to see his face again for the rest of my life. but... he did improve a little bit. he gave me 2 minutes of internet to send qwanoes an email after he said shit about it and i flipped out on him saying "bullshit your a father, you dont give a damn about me or anything i care about so why the fuck should i give a damn about you" yeah... i think i gotta work on some of the shit i say, but thats not gunna happen anytime soon. i cant stand him. and for all you people reading this that have divorced parents YOU ARE SO FUCKING LUCKY! oh... and i have no internet. so how the hell am i gunna do 7 of the online cit sessions in 31 days without internet? well... at least theres internet at school. well... i got about a millon things i gotta deal with but im fine.. really...  fuck, why did the kaleos have to leave? i miss them like crazy. and this is about the worst timing ever for them to be gone since this is one of the darkest times in my life but... who gives a damn. im out. i cant wait for everything to be over.

i dont even know.

i dunno what is going on with me. i feel so... confused and torn and broken yet somehow held together by nothing more than a lie. it doesnt work well... its like breaking a lamp and then trying to fix it with tape. its broken, falling apart, and only held by something weak. or maybe im just crazy. sometimes i wonder. thoughts of suicide are strangling my mind and my life. i tried to talk to somebody about it, but i cant really trust him anymore, and then i got scared that he might do something so i promised id stay alive. and im trying to stick to that promise but its so hard, i dont think i can do it. but i am going to try. how am i supposed to ask him for help when im feeling like that now? i feel like im no longer in control of my life. its all teachers, parents, and friends telling me what to do, how to think, what i can and cant do, and forcing me into things. they try to tell me what is going on in my head, they think they know me, but they have no fucking clue.

so many people hate me now. and it hurts cuz they hate me because they know im feeling suicidal and then they just make me feel even worse.

theres one person i can usually go to with anything. he's been there for me since grade 8 and i used to consider him a life-line. but he said something recently that completey destroyed me. he didnt just break my heart, he shattered it and took the peices. maybe im just being retarded, it wouldnt be the first time. but for some reason the simpliest little thing he said has taken away every shed of hope i had left. i've turned my back on all my beliefs, morals, hopes and dreams all because of one little sentance. and im wondering how i let him have the power to do that. the promise i made seems so insignificant now that i have nothing left to live for, but i really dont want to hurt him any worse than i already have, so how could i break that promise by ending my life? and now i dont know what to do. my life goal has been to have my entire life focusing on god, but now god seems scary and mean and dark and hateful. i've lost the desire to follow him, as if its been taken away by the thing that made me want to follow him in the first place. but then... qwanoes.... cit... ever since i was 8 qwanoes has been my life. how could i turn my back on everything i've been working for. and i've gotten somewhere. i've been accepted for cit. i've gone to church and youth all year. i've read 2 and a half books of the bible and i've transformed myself multiple times. i've even broke down and prayed begging to be made a christian, but now it feels like i've just thrown it all away. its like im dead but my alive, ive lost everything ive ever had except for my pulse. i can only hope that i will soon lose that too and everything will be over and done with. and then i wouldnt have to live in this pain. id rather be in hell.

so i think im gunna just wait things out. see what im really gunna do. am i really gunna walk away from god and qwanoes and cit and friends and life and everything? i dont know. but for now i've got some straightening out to do. and i think the only way i can do that, is if i walk away from everything, not just god and friends and stuff, but parents, stoner buddys, every part of my life. and just focus on me until i can figure this stuff out. but can i really do that? its incredabuly hard for me to spend any time alone. unless im cutting. which really isnt going to help right now.

my friend Lauren gave me a bracelet a few month ago, i never take it off. it says p.u.s.h, which means pray until something happens. when im about to cut i have to look at the bracelet while im doing it, and it usually makes me stop and call someone instead. or just feel incredabuly guilty. but now its like, ultimate "fuck you" to god. and thats what i want. but it isnt what i want at all. not in the least. but part of me does. and that scares me and hurts me so badly i want to punch myself in the head for even thinking that. its like im battling myself, a strange part of me says "fuck you god, i quit" and the other part of me says " what the hell are you doing, dont do it, dont say that, god is good and your a disguisting stoner bitch who doesnt deserve any of the stuff he's given you. your a liar. you love god. dont kid yourself. dont spit in the hand thats trying to help you." i get so mad at myself i dont know what to do. i need to sort this shit out. and the only way i can think of is running to god and just holding onto him, but thats what im trying to walk away from. im so confused. maybe i need to talk to him. crazy as that sounds. but what if he doesnt talk back? wont that just make it worse?

somebody please rescue me. i need help.

that place my parents have been talking about, ledger house, well.... im starting to think i really want to go there. im starting to think i desperately need to go there. but maybe im just crazy.

they made me sign a conract that says i will contact someone off a list of people if im feeling suicidal or if i feel like cutting or just need someone to talk to. this is how the list came out when we made it...

-crisis line (they insisted on putting that on, as if id ever actually use it)
1. Daniel (thats out)
2. Lauren (thats also out, she's pissed at me)
3. Matthew (thats out, stupid promise, now i feel like i cant talk to him about it)
4. Jonathan ( he's so hard to get a hold of)

so basically all the people i said id talk to, i cant talk to anymore. what the fuck am i supposed to do?
btw if any of the people on this list are reading this ( a few of them stalk my blog so i guess thats a huge possibility) im sorry if that hurts, its really not my intention at all. im just trying to let it out. if i dont.. i'll probally end up cutting. or, i'll probally end up cutting tonight anyways but whatever. and all im realy saying is that its hard for me to talk to you right now. but only because im going through a hard time. i really do mean it when i say i love you, but you assume im superfical and just say it without meaning it at all. so wtf am i supposed to say? " okay thats fine, your right im a total superficial bitch because im not as close to god as you are, sorry i guess im hopeless"
fucking whatever. im dont with my little rant. please dont get offended.

on a brighter note... i found my razor blade, i thought i lost it. i get back to my parents house in a few hours so yeah, i'll finally be able to deal with it..

theres a certain someone who's gunna give me hell for this, go ahead i feel bad enough as it is, i dont think it can get much worse by you freaking.

fuck it

i dont care anymore. not even kidding. i'm screwed now but whatever, i guess i always have been and always will be. i think im just gunna give up and "let satan win." i hope it kills me. and if Tara is reading this i just wanna say i love you and please dont worry about me.

lame

this fucking sucks. i wish there was somewhere i could go, someone i could run to, but there isnt. and i feel so alone. i know i shoudnt, but i do.

sorry

please dont give up on me yet. i may have failed but i have loved you from the start. go ahead and hate me so you can see whats right for you. but just know that i never meant to hurt you. and i am not giving up.  i'm so sorry