okay so first of all... cit rocks. im loving it. but we have soooooo much homework. still its great.
lately i've been feeling really sick, im getting better tho, hopefully i'll be healthy again within a few days.
ugh i've been thinking too much again. and tommorrow we're doing testimonies, im so scared. i dont know what im gunna say.
and again im thinking about the past etc etc and im thinking.. i've got a whole summer of being in this great place and then what will happen when i get back?
we're all here now getting to know each other and getting ready for this program.
on the first day of cit we all moved in and got our cit shirts (which are lime green), then we played some get to know you games and did some arts and crafts. Jim took us to the greenhouse to play some more games and get our schedules, book, binder, etc and he told us kinda what it was about. sounds like an awesome an incredabuly busy week.
today we had breakfast and then went straight to the greenhouse for our first session. the session was about having a servant heart and how to make a difference in the world by loving others. after that we went to the waterfront to learn water search procedures, and then we got to play on all the inflatables. i gotta go to the greenhouse now, challenge course later. i love you Tara.
i want to leave. i dont belong here. and i dont know why im staying when everyday i cry myself to sleep because i dont want to be here anymore yet something is stopping me from making the call whats wrong with me?
i dont belong here. this is a mistake. and right now more than ever i feel completely alone, even tho im surrounded by amazing friends that care so much, but they are all too busy to talk, and this week im not fitting in with the cit's, they all know each other, and i dont. why am i here?
clearly God is trying to tell me something, maybe he is the one breaking me right now, but even though i desperately want to run to him, something is stopping me. i almost cut at camp, thats a huge problem, good thing i came to my senses.. its still tempting.. but if i do it at camp... dunno but it would be bad, really bad, i wont let myself do that. i need to be strong. so why do i feel so weak and breakable? i wish i could talk to someone, but of course, everyones busy..
i am home, surrounded with people i love and people who i dont know yet but they still care so much and are ready to get to know me, like as soon as i got here there where people i didnt know welcoming me and sharing in my excitment and nervousness.
and guess who's here?
JAYMIE HAYWARD!!!!!!!! hell yeah!
it feels good to be here, but also kinda doubtful at times, i mean, how can i be a good role model for the kids who will be coming next week (when i start CIT!!!!!!!) 8 days ago (unless you count today in which case, 9) i was smoking weed...
and i dunno, a lot of thoughts going through my head right now, but its hard to talk to anyone cuz im in dishpit and everyone else is busy all week doing staff training stuff. oh well..
my c.i.t's are friggen amazing. like.. super fantastically amazing. its so fun.
guess what we did today? tim tam slams!!!
k theres gunna be a lot less blog posts from now on cuz i have better things to do than be on the computer.
this aint right. im not meant for this. it was a mistake that i got accepted. so why am i so stoked? why do i feel like im finally home whenever im at qwanoes? its not right. i shouldnt be there. im not a good enough role model, what if i cant help anyone what if i cant do it?
im going to camp tommorrow. im ultra incredably fantastical double excited. but ahhh im so not ready. i havent even made a list of what to pack, or sorted out my medicine to see if i have enough for 2 months (which i already know i so dont) and im on the verge of having to take a millon vitamins and crap. already its thyroid, vitamin c, iron pills, and benadryl. gosh i feel so unhealthy. a recent trip to the doctor has informed us that actually, im really unhealthy, like state of emergency, like... why the fuck cant i remember to take my pills im gunna end up like i was when i first found out my thyroid failed. this is so not cool. anyways, fuck it moving on... yeah im not prepared for camp in the slightest and im going tommorrow..
to-do list (none of it is even close to being done, except the cit book) -read c.i.t book -clean both rooms (properly) - delete all the picures off my camera and save them to my computer - organize crap - get dad to get me a camera case - get rid of shitty clothes - make list of what to pack (in detail so i wont forget anything) - make list of stuff i need to get for camp (iron pills) - post adress on fb and on the fridge - chill with Tara -watch that movie momma's been bugging me about - actually pack -goodbye Tara :( -'quality time' with momma - goodbye momma (and dad) - go go go
and this is all to be done by 7:00pm tommorrow night. mission impossible.
ahhh im having extreme anxiety right now. but its getting a little better since i talked to someone about it (i totally thought she hated me but apparently she really cares a lot)
i love how, when im feeling all alone and about to fall hard, my c.i.t's are there for me right away, even when nobody else cares, they do. thats all i need. and with a little help from them and God, i know i'll be okay. God is always with me. sometimes i just forget it. so, broken as i may be, i will run to him, no matter what.
3 more days til staff training.
i'm so stoked. but extremely nervous. last night i actually considered dropping out of c.i.t. but then i talked to my girls. they comforted me. i looked at pics from last years c.i.t's, and i am beyond stoked for this. im finally getting somewhere. after all the shit i've been through. maybe my story will help somebody. maybe it will all be worth it. maybe.
i have one more struggle i need to deal with. a big mistake about to happen. and the one person i need to talk to seems to be too busy for me. i guess i'll have to figure it out on my own. this sucks. well... at least i'm not 100% useless... even if it is the worst use ever.
did anyone realize how a few weeks ago i was getting better, stronger, and more hopeful? yeah.. i guess satan did too. and so i've failed 3 times now in my efforts to quit smoking weed. and i've been smoking cigarettes like everyday too so i constantly feel like shit for that too. and other things are coming into my head again. things i thought i dealt with. but i guess they'll never really be dealt with.
i think its one of those things Jim says in that amazing book of his... tho i lack the exact quote. something about needing to go to God daily in prayer because if we dont we will really lack 'spiritual energy' and be an easy target for sin and doubts and all that other worldly crap. i havent been going to God as much as i should be. thats probally why i feel like fuckin trash.
i dont know what to say. this weekend was hectic and crazy and exhausting and frusturating and confusing and challenging and COMPLETELY AMAZING.
thoughts.. its definatately true.. we constantly need to go to God, especially when all week you try so hard not to fall into tempation and then all weekend your pouring out everything ounce of physical energy and a lot of spiritual energy too(or whatever you call it) i learned a lot about God this weekend. a lot came up. for the first 2 days i had nobody to talk to. right before i left on the last day i knew i needed some answers so i had to take a little leap of faith and talk to somebody that i had never really talked to before.. i knew it would be okay, i've known him for a while now.. anyways.. yeah... that was extremely helpful.
prayer requests..
- Tyler's mom has cancer, please pray that he will heal her and bless Tyler and his family - Gwen. this girl stole my heart. she's 10 years old, she was adopted when she was a baby because her mother did drugs, and she has huge faith in Jesus, its incredable, God shines through her and i want to do anything i can to help her along her journey. another thing that i find really sad.. she's only 10 and she's wearing make-up and worrying about what the right clothes are.. thats not right. please pray for her, God has put her in my heart for a reason and i know it. - camp. because camp is amazing and we wanna keep it that way. - patience. we're gunna need a lot of it this summer.. - guidance -faith -campers -staff -Shannon & Jon. theyre getting married on friday.. - the k6's. most of them are coming down for the wedding. please pray for safe travel and great learning experiances - open house. 1200 people. wow.. - Rainee. she's a girl from lake cowichan, she has cancer and is probally going to lose her eye. she's in kindergarden.. -a friend of mine.. she's due in december and her boyfriend and her need to grow up a bit and look at the big picure. and please pray that God will help their love grow stronger for each other, and that she'll have a safe pregnacy and a healthy baby. -another friend of mine. because i love her. and the crowd she's with are a little less than helpful.. - Sheri. just because.. -me. i cant even begin to explain why & how, but if you could pray for me.. that would be great..
so is anybody wondering about the title of this blog? well this blog is not finished yet. when im ready to stop avoiding the things i need to deal with and think about, then i'll let you know about the title. its not that interesting but yeah. i challenge you to figure it out.
i failed. i really thought i was getting somewhere, i really thought my plan was gunna work, i really thought i could quit forever, but i guess i was dead wrong. now what? it seems like i've ruined everything. and for what? what is the point in smoking weed? acceptance? fun? whats it worth? one day of having fun and acting like an idiot, compared to how much i always beat myself up about it. i friggen hate myself, i was finally getting somewhere, i was finally happier, and then i ruined everything, and i didnt even want to..
so i was talking to a friend, he asked if i was interested in buying a gun, i told him i am.. but now i'm not so sure.. i mean... what if someone got hurt? i dont want that to happen... and if i kill myself.. what about qwanoes? and youth group, and church, and family, and all my fantastical c.i.t girls... and then what about helping people? i cant do much of that if im dead. and what would the campers think? clearly, not a good idea. so why am i so tempted to buy the gun, when i know i shouldnt.
i really want to cut right now, but im not going to, because apparently it hurts people, and i know it hurts God..
i dont know what to do about this recent failure tho, i feel like i should just give up.. but i dont really want to... maybe i should just keep trying.. at least its not every single day like it used to be, i have improved..
c.i.t starts soon. thank God. things are looking up for me, i can feel it.
oh and btw, to all of you who think its satan who's tempting me, he's a friggen douche and a half. you know, i hope he tries every trick he's got, yeah, he got me today, but did he really get me if im running back to God? i refuse to let satan win. he may win the small victories, like today when i fell hard, but i will not let him control me anymore, im just gunna get back on my feet and keep fighting, i've got God on my side now... how can i lose?
thats right. 7 days. i've been counting. i'm taking it one day at a time and i think its really working. its been hard. sometimes it takes everything in me to make it through the day, and then i get to my house and am filled with a sense of "wow, i made it another day" so im usually pretty happy with that until the evening when im like "oh shit now i need to get through tommorrow, what if i fail?" so far i've been doing pretty good. the only thing i've been still falling into this week is cigarrettes and drama. friggen drama to the max. it never ends.. cant i have one day that isnt focused on who fucked who and who's doing what drugs, who's saying what, who's fighting who, who stole what. and who just got taken away from their parents, its all just friggen drama. its bullshit. why should any of it matter? it shouldnt. so why am i always involved no matter how hard i try to stay out of it? i always get dragged into things. but whatever. i made it 7 whole days. even when everybody around me was smoking weed, even when people were begging me to drink with them, even when i was so tempted to do E again when it was right infront of me, I SAID NO. thats a big deal for me. i guess i should shut up, i mean, its only a week... but still... im pretty happy. ever since i stopped smoking weed and drinking and stuff i feel so much better, im attending class more frequently, even managed to catch the bus a few times, actually particapating once in a while, reading the c.i.t book, swimming a lot, tend to have a nicer attitude, i feel so much better and a lot healthier. im enjoying it. now if only i could stop smoking i'd be set. tommorrow will be really hard. after school we're going tubing down the river and possibly jumping off the carbridge, of course, everyone figures days like that are made for drinking and getting stoned. but i refuse to fall now. i made it 7 days, a whole week, im not gunna ruin it. i can do this... right? please pray for me.
this week i've been going on about this weekend being my only weekend off and wanting to do everything that is an essential part of summer in lc/ubo before camp. so i made about a millon plans. today i got home and cheaked my email, i have to work. so when i first got it i kinda groaned to myself and told my mom about it, she asked me where my loyalty's lie and said i can always postpone the shopping spree. i went back to my room and with a sigh said " of course, i'd love to work that weekend too" then i sorta smiled thinking " hmm... how typical...." (in a very good way) but i was kinda feeling overwhelmed. i then got an email back saying "you are a star, completely reliable through-and-through, we really appriciate it, and i know the kitchen loves having you around too" it touched my heart. this is the place that i love, that i can call home, and they actually want me there. im not good at anything. im failing school, i dont have any talent, i really dont have anything to offer, yet they still want me. its just dishpit, but its acceptance. i am going home. and i get to stay there all summer. how friggen amazing is that! i cant believe i ever groaned about it even for a second. yeah, i have hella plans to cancel, but its so worth it. i cant believe i got here. after all the challenges i've faced, im going somewhere. i'm living out my life-long dream. sometimes it makes me so happy i could cry. life is so good. i guess i needed just a few words of encouragement to remind me of the great gift God has given me, and the amazing plans he has for me. i hope i never lose sight of that again, even if it was only 5 minutes..
theres a few things i need to do.. - read the bible - pray more often - stop allowing myself to get sucked into the drama - be nicer to people - speak up - quit smoking - read c.i.t book - allow God to open my heart, and help me to see all my faults so he can repair them
i might need some encouragement on this one. but lately i've realized, i've got a lot of people on my side.
this year almost killed me, and look where i am now... i am so friggen glad i am alive. today i came across the suicide note i wrote a while ago, i laughed. i was in the darkness. now im out.
yesturday was tough. extremely. i had sooooo many people offering me weed and asking if i'd party with them this weekend. at one point i even had the pipe shoved into my hands as they all told me it was stupid not to smoke it. i said NO! thats 5 whole days i've made it without weed or drinking or drugs.. its hard, but 5 days i've made it. i want to see how long i can last. i want to challenge myself with it. i guess its nothing to be that proud of, i mean, its only 5 days.. but i made up my mind to quit and i'm doing it! i guess i should get realistic, i mean, kinda pathetic that a mere 5 days is such an accomplishment. but if i can make it another two days... and then another... and another... and 16 more (plus today so i guess 17).... and then it will be staff training week... and then cit... and then more osc... and then i'll gete home and go to school and i'll be able to say i made it 3 months without it, and i wont let myself fall like that again, if i can make it 3 whole months... then i'll win this constant battle. im just taking it one dy at a time for now.
i was looking at my agenda (stupid thing they make us write in for planning) and i was kinda looking back at the calendar part. i saw all the days and all the months of the year crossed out as they had come and passed and i thought about all the things that happened this year. all the shit i went trough, all the changes that happened, everything. and i was sitting back thinking, wow, this year should have killed me (literally) but somehow i made it to the end and for whatever reason, even though i struggled so much this year, all my wildest dreams are now coming true. how did this happen? what did i do right? how did i survive this year that had 'death' written all over it? how did i make it here? sometimes i look around at the nature, or the people at school, or little kids, or just the experiances in my life, and i wonder; how could God possibly not be real? how could i possibly go through another day not following him when he's done so much for me.. how could i possibly not see this before?
theres a few things im still struggling with, but i know God will help me through it.
