undescribable.

things are good.

i have made it through the hard times and i'm enjoying the blessings that have come from it. but now i have a lot of hard times coming my way and i dont know how i'm gunna survive it. 

but things have changed, and i have changed.

but nothing else has.

i have changed. but when i go home, almost everyone will be the same. my situations have not disappeared. i will still be pressured and labeled and struck down and confused. its just the way it is. but i can handle it. i am no longer of the world, and i need to prove it. 

so many times this summer

 i've prayed for God to break my heart

and he did.

i've prayed for him to change me

he did

i prayed for him to heal me

he did

i prayed for strength

i prayed over and over for strength

and then i realized

he gave me a rollar coaster of a summer

to make me stronger

i never prayed for a miracle

i thought it was too much to ask for

but God gave me many miracles

and i know that no matter what

He is at work

and He answers prayers

i had no clue what to expect this summer

i never expected anything good

i never in my wildest dreams thought it could be so life changing

theres no way i could possibly describe it.

He's up to something

God def has something planed for me this week.

i dont think i'm ready

but i have the creator of the universe on my side

i'll be okay.

you're still a part of everything i do, you're on my heart just like a tattoo

now just isnt the time

i'm still in love with you

but i dont think you know what love means

maybe i dont either

but we both have some stuff to sort through

maybe one day 

just not now

i'm sorry for hurting you

it kills me

but one day things will work out

just so you know

i do mean it when i say i love you

p.s i'm still not over you

this is a fight i refuse to lose

sometimes it feels like the worlds on my shoulders,

how did i go from the person always in need of so much help

to the person who loves to help other people

why do all these people trust me so much?

i have so many people relying on me

what will happen if i break?

why do i feel so stable when everything around me is crashing down?

but at the same time i feel so worried and insecure

and theres someone i really need to talk to

but he's so different now...

rawr

two weeks left. not even..

and now Daniel is gone..

and im still feeling so bitter.

but im going to make the most of this week. 

so why am i so tempted to cut when i know god is good? why is this happening? why cant i just friggen talk to someone. but my lifelines dont seem to care that much anymore, i know they do but it doesnt seem like it. but i guess everyones busy. besides i've been so determined to avoid one of them its amazing that i can hold a two second conversation with them.

oooooo and im in some serious pain cuz my hand are like ripping apart. its freaky. pray for me? 

her first words to me were

"i hate this camp, i was forced to come here. God hates me."

her last words

"this has been the best week of my life" "i love God" "i'm going to change my life" "i love qwanoes, i am def coming back"

why cant kaleo just cease to exist?

i hate them.

they dont care

they'll only leave

i dont want them in my life

i wish kaleo would cease to exist.

i dont want anything to do with any of them. 

but at the same time, i know i need them.

every time i think about them and the new youth leaders i get so angry and bitter

i want a youth leader like Jonny Mo

he actually gives a damn about his kids

and they probally dont even realize how fuckin lucky they are

i'd kill to be them

but i'll never have that person who actually cares

and the kids of lc will grow up knowing the same thing

i wont let that happen

i'll never get the leader i want

i will have to be that person for the others then

sure, i wont get what i want

but those kids will hopefully get what they need

God is calling me to this

i've never felt so convicted to something before

i will not let these kids down

but still,

why cant fucking kaleos just fucking stay at fucking camp and leave us alone

i dont want to get hurt again

it sucks

i cant control my bitterness towards them

even the ones i know who mean a lot to me 

i now avoid them as much as possible 

because they are leaving too. 

they're just another goodbye.

fuck it.

courage is not the absense of fear, its what you do despite of it.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

1 deuteronomy 31:6

why is there no one to talk to?

grrrr i just need to talk to someone right now 

i feel like i'm being attacked

and i wont let him win

not anymore.

blah!

okay so wtf is going on? 

talked to my momma today, she said i dont really have to go back to school right away and i dunno what to think of that...  

and then ledger house will be probally novemberish..

and then this year is going to be horrible. no lie, it will be the worst year of my life. im trying to follow God but i know that as soon as i get back things are going to be absolutely horrible and i will be completely alone. i wont even be able to talk to my 'lifeline's. life sucks.

camp is great tho, still dont know about youth camp tho.. should i do it or not?

.... grrr... goodbyes and new kaleos

im going to have to say goodbye to all these amazing people in only 3 short weeks.

on the bright side, new kaleos coming soon! altho im betting all the ones i know are gunna pick a different church/youth group, which extremely sucks cuz im gunna need them more this year than ever but i probally wont even get to talk to them. shitty. and i just want the kaleos from last year to come back.

is this good or bad?

its officailly been 2 months since the last time i smoked weed. 

now on the one side..

2 friggen months! thats pretty damn good for what used to be several times a day. and i mean... wow... so much has changed in me in the past 2 months its incredable.

but on the other side..

thats it? it seems so.. small.and it seems like ive been at camp so long it shouldnt qualify. and some of the people here have gone wayyy longer. 

i wonder..

whats worse?

being far from your friends and your lifelines?

or living at the same camp as them all summer and not being able to talk to them at all?

i have not been brainwashed

its just that i've found hope

i've found light

i know truth

i found what it means to truely be alive

i only wish

that you would find it too

God is good.
in the middle of a heatwave
in the middle of hella stress
while trapped in a car while dad is spazzing
during a terrible time
through loss
through accomplishments
in good times
in bad times
he blesses me
God is good.