so sick

she's the pretty one,
the successful one,
the lovable one,
the favorite,

and i don't even get a name.

i feel like it will always be this way. i feel like i'm always going to be the ugly duckling. the one who never gets noticed. the one who will always end up alone. but the thing is.... i would rather be unnoticed and alone but with a beautiful heart, than be pretty and everyones favorite but be shallow, caught up in the world, with a selfish heart.

lets get these teen hearts beating faster, faster

so much going on, so much to think about.

from family changes to new friends to new routines to graduation to thinking about the future. the future seemingly meaning leaving this town, my friends, my family, my life.. and heading to a place i've never been before thats supposed to be good for me.

i'm terrified

i'm excited

i'm homesick

i'm suffocated

i want to stay, i want to leave

i'm so confused. and that brother of mine... he's stupid but i love him... and i'm so worried she's going to break his heart, even though she's great and i love her.

fading

honesty

honesty is difficult for me.

right now i'm struggling for the courage to be honest with the people around that really care, but it seems like the only people who are around are too busy.

maybe i should be more concerned with opening my time so that others can be honest with me.

one of the many things learned from campers

my campers loved me. i didn't have to look good, i didn't have to be "cool". for them, just being myself, and proving to them that i actually cared and was glad to have them around, was enough.

why do i worry so much about vanity? the things that i've been evaluating myself on lately, didnt matter in the least to my campers, why should it matter to me?

it seems weird but like... i dont really journal much, so a lot of things just sit in my mind without ever being spoken or written or anything when i dont put them on here, yet i keep wondering.. whats the point?

no one reads this blog anymore. so i think i'm just gunna let it die