today

it started with skipping class for leadership to set up for tour de rock. then it started and i got to take millions of pictures for yearbook and it was so fun. the sun was shining and the sky was blue and it was beautiful. then i helped take down tour de rock and went to the last little bit of science. i have a spare for last block so i went to a little spot with a creek that is so quiet and peaceful its hard to believe its in lake cowichan. i went there and just started writing. i don't know if its any good, but Mr. Beillo likes it, but then again he likes everything i write and i never really believe that anything i write is good but the thing is, its important to me. i love writing. its my passion. i never have to think about it, i just write and words just come out, it never takes more than 10 miniutes for me to write something. i love it. i am me again!! but even more so, because i'm bringing the passion back into my life and its not all depressing emo crap anymore, because i'm not a depressing emo kid anymore. i've changed. and so, my writing has also changed, and i love it! and... i think i'm slowly learning how to love me.

rule of life #465

people will never notice the things you do,only the things you don't do or you do wrong.

i am so overwhelmed with school right now its ridiculous. no one cares that i'm actually doing pretty decent with balancing 7 courses in one semester and doing more homework than i've ever had to do before. they do however, notice that i'm not fast at taking notes in class, that i'm not caught up on the notes we're supposed to be taking.

yesturday i was stressed to the max. the only thing that made it bearable, was a conversation with a stranger over tea after i had walked out of class. she made my day so much better.

i need you to know, i'm not through the night some days i'm still fighting to walk towards the light..


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you should know you're not on your own, these secrets are walls that keep us alone. i don't know how, but i know now, together we'll make it though somehow

if its cut off, it says "you're dying to leave this town, why can't you just appreciate it?" i feel like it speaks directly to me. i'm dying to get out, to experiance the world outside of the cowichan valley, but i wonder if this is what people are wanting to say to me, "why can't you just apprechiate it?" truth is, this town is a blessing in disguise. and i'm going to be learning that more and more this year, i don't know if i'm going to leave as soon as i graduate or not, i'm thinking about another option, its nothing i ever wanted for myself before, but is it what God wants? maybe this is just where he has placed me and this is what i need to do for my town, to help others survive the chokehold of youbou and lake cowichan, i could give them hope, i could tell them why this town is a blessing in disguise. maybe. maybe this town is more of a gift than i thought. maybe its more of my responsability than i thought, and less at the same time.

things on my mind

- what have i done with my life? have i benefited anyones life? have i done anything good? i feel like i've never done anything important.

-does mental illness run in the family?

-what would what happened back in april 2009 look like from their perspective?

-i'm afraid to get to know these kaleos that go to my church. 2 of them i already know but i'll be getting to know them a lot better if i see them almost every week. i'm afraid i'm going to get too attached. i'm afraid i'm going to replace Jon and Trent with one of these kaleos unintentionally. i know i'm going to get hurt at the end of the year. i know it, i know how painful it will be for a while, and thats what i'm walking into as soon as i walk into church today. i know it.

- will i ever do anything with my life?

still juggling

this is a lot harder than i thought it would be. time is moving at light-speed. today i'm finally getting time to look into scholarships and actually spend more than 5 minuites on the computer. but most days, i'm insanely busy from start to finish, and then it starts all over again. free time means homework time. even luch at school... y'know that breif time we get for socializing, is spent either doing homework or going to leadership and yearbook meetings. yeah.. theres a lot of work. i havent been spending personal time with God because by the time i have a moment to do that, i fall asleep within seconds.

the times when i have time to think.. which only last for minutes, barely, i tend to have memories and thoughts come up that i hate, and i can't make them go away. i legitamately have times that i would love nothing more than to grab a giant rock and smash my head in with it.

i miss my friends. especially her. but i have so long to get through before i get to see her again. and even then it will only be for one day. but i fully intend on making the very most of it.

in other news, at least Ben is happy with his new girlfriend and her kid. i get to see him more now.

oh boy..

i'm trying to just deal with things on my own, but i could really use a chat right now. oh well... i'll deal.

all anyone is talking about is how fun pre-grad was last night. all they did was get really drunk. i didn't go because i didnt feel like being the only one there not drunk, but apparently people are mad that some of the grads didnt go. so i guess i'll have to go to the next one.... oh the joy... not! oh well, i can be sober and still have fun with them while they're drunk... right? i'm getting a little sick of having that be all i hear about though. oh and it sucks that the only other christian in the high school was there and got drunk and is now going on and on about how awesome it was. she's changed a lot. last year she was so... not like that. i want to talk to her about it, but when? how? i dont think she wants to.

so now its just me. alone.

oh well... i'm getting heaps involved with school this year and i'm trying to get connected with a church.

i do have one person supporting me, but they're not really living out their faith. they're more like "i totally believe in God and i'm glad i have someone to talk to about spiritual stuff now, and now i'm gunna smoke some weed" i love them, but i wish i had some support from someone whos not into that stuff, heck, i wish i could just find one friggen person at this school that isnt into that stuff.

oh well.... God will get me through.

... i wish i could talk to someone though.

back to school

i'm going to make the best of this year. i'm going to make this year the best year of my life. sadly, there haven't actually been any good years of my life that i remember besides last year. this year can easily beat it. and it will, i'll make it better.