fading

honesty

honesty is difficult for me.

right now i'm struggling for the courage to be honest with the people around that really care, but it seems like the only people who are around are too busy.

maybe i should be more concerned with opening my time so that others can be honest with me.

one of the many things learned from campers

my campers loved me. i didn't have to look good, i didn't have to be "cool". for them, just being myself, and proving to them that i actually cared and was glad to have them around, was enough.

why do i worry so much about vanity? the things that i've been evaluating myself on lately, didnt matter in the least to my campers, why should it matter to me?

it seems weird but like... i dont really journal much, so a lot of things just sit in my mind without ever being spoken or written or anything when i dont put them on here, yet i keep wondering.. whats the point?

no one reads this blog anymore. so i think i'm just gunna let it die

dear past

dear past,

i'm a completely different person now, i'd say i'm sorry, but i'm not. but thank you, for i wouldnt be me here and now, if it werent for being me way back then. its all a growing process. hey past, its ok. i don't hate you anymore. you've left me with battle wounds and memories that will never die, but ever since leaving you behind, i've gotten to experiance healing. and you know what, past, i think you've completely lost me now, because the one peice of you that never really came off, slipped right off today without even putting up a fight. why? becuase past, i've found someone else, and now that i fully and completely have let go of everything, i am fully and completely free, and safe in his arms. his name is Jesus. and so past, i bid you farewell, and finally, we can shake hands and leave each other in peace. goodbye past, you have no control anymore even in the slightest. i'm moving up.
sincerly,
God's girl.

undescriptive

something is very different.
i don't know what, why, or how.

i feel like i have a million things to say about my weekend, and my life at this moment, and yet no words are coming out.

therefore, i will simply write something from a song i heard today

"You’re standing right in front of me with arms wide open, all i know is every day is filled with hope, You are everything that i believe for and i can’t help but breathe You in"

today

it started with skipping class for leadership to set up for tour de rock. then it started and i got to take millions of pictures for yearbook and it was so fun. the sun was shining and the sky was blue and it was beautiful. then i helped take down tour de rock and went to the last little bit of science. i have a spare for last block so i went to a little spot with a creek that is so quiet and peaceful its hard to believe its in lake cowichan. i went there and just started writing. i don't know if its any good, but Mr. Beillo likes it, but then again he likes everything i write and i never really believe that anything i write is good but the thing is, its important to me. i love writing. its my passion. i never have to think about it, i just write and words just come out, it never takes more than 10 miniutes for me to write something. i love it. i am me again!! but even more so, because i'm bringing the passion back into my life and its not all depressing emo crap anymore, because i'm not a depressing emo kid anymore. i've changed. and so, my writing has also changed, and i love it! and... i think i'm slowly learning how to love me.

rule of life #465

people will never notice the things you do,only the things you don't do or you do wrong.

i am so overwhelmed with school right now its ridiculous. no one cares that i'm actually doing pretty decent with balancing 7 courses in one semester and doing more homework than i've ever had to do before. they do however, notice that i'm not fast at taking notes in class, that i'm not caught up on the notes we're supposed to be taking.

yesturday i was stressed to the max. the only thing that made it bearable, was a conversation with a stranger over tea after i had walked out of class. she made my day so much better.

i need you to know, i'm not through the night some days i'm still fighting to walk towards the light..


------------------------------------------------------------------------
you should know you're not on your own, these secrets are walls that keep us alone. i don't know how, but i know now, together we'll make it though somehow

if its cut off, it says "you're dying to leave this town, why can't you just appreciate it?" i feel like it speaks directly to me. i'm dying to get out, to experiance the world outside of the cowichan valley, but i wonder if this is what people are wanting to say to me, "why can't you just apprechiate it?" truth is, this town is a blessing in disguise. and i'm going to be learning that more and more this year, i don't know if i'm going to leave as soon as i graduate or not, i'm thinking about another option, its nothing i ever wanted for myself before, but is it what God wants? maybe this is just where he has placed me and this is what i need to do for my town, to help others survive the chokehold of youbou and lake cowichan, i could give them hope, i could tell them why this town is a blessing in disguise. maybe. maybe this town is more of a gift than i thought. maybe its more of my responsability than i thought, and less at the same time.

things on my mind

- what have i done with my life? have i benefited anyones life? have i done anything good? i feel like i've never done anything important.

-does mental illness run in the family?

-what would what happened back in april 2009 look like from their perspective?

-i'm afraid to get to know these kaleos that go to my church. 2 of them i already know but i'll be getting to know them a lot better if i see them almost every week. i'm afraid i'm going to get too attached. i'm afraid i'm going to replace Jon and Trent with one of these kaleos unintentionally. i know i'm going to get hurt at the end of the year. i know it, i know how painful it will be for a while, and thats what i'm walking into as soon as i walk into church today. i know it.

- will i ever do anything with my life?

still juggling

this is a lot harder than i thought it would be. time is moving at light-speed. today i'm finally getting time to look into scholarships and actually spend more than 5 minuites on the computer. but most days, i'm insanely busy from start to finish, and then it starts all over again. free time means homework time. even luch at school... y'know that breif time we get for socializing, is spent either doing homework or going to leadership and yearbook meetings. yeah.. theres a lot of work. i havent been spending personal time with God because by the time i have a moment to do that, i fall asleep within seconds.

the times when i have time to think.. which only last for minutes, barely, i tend to have memories and thoughts come up that i hate, and i can't make them go away. i legitamately have times that i would love nothing more than to grab a giant rock and smash my head in with it.

i miss my friends. especially her. but i have so long to get through before i get to see her again. and even then it will only be for one day. but i fully intend on making the very most of it.

in other news, at least Ben is happy with his new girlfriend and her kid. i get to see him more now.

oh boy..

i'm trying to just deal with things on my own, but i could really use a chat right now. oh well... i'll deal.

all anyone is talking about is how fun pre-grad was last night. all they did was get really drunk. i didn't go because i didnt feel like being the only one there not drunk, but apparently people are mad that some of the grads didnt go. so i guess i'll have to go to the next one.... oh the joy... not! oh well, i can be sober and still have fun with them while they're drunk... right? i'm getting a little sick of having that be all i hear about though. oh and it sucks that the only other christian in the high school was there and got drunk and is now going on and on about how awesome it was. she's changed a lot. last year she was so... not like that. i want to talk to her about it, but when? how? i dont think she wants to.

so now its just me. alone.

oh well... i'm getting heaps involved with school this year and i'm trying to get connected with a church.

i do have one person supporting me, but they're not really living out their faith. they're more like "i totally believe in God and i'm glad i have someone to talk to about spiritual stuff now, and now i'm gunna smoke some weed" i love them, but i wish i had some support from someone whos not into that stuff, heck, i wish i could just find one friggen person at this school that isnt into that stuff.

oh well.... God will get me through.

... i wish i could talk to someone though.

back to school

i'm going to make the best of this year. i'm going to make this year the best year of my life. sadly, there haven't actually been any good years of my life that i remember besides last year. this year can easily beat it. and it will, i'll make it better.

goodbye qwanoes? or hello again?

i think my time here might be done? i'm not sure yet, but i think that its time for me to branch off, be independant and dependant at the same time. depending only on God. i think its time for a crazy adventure. this place feels like home, but it isnt. its time for me to learn and grow and mature and get ready for adult life this year. and next year... who knows what God has in store for me. but i have this thrilling thought of going somewhere thats out of my world. a city or maybe even just another town, but not youbou, not lake cowichain, not duncan, somewhere farther, bigger, full of more oppourtunities than i can imagine. somewhere that i can go, unknown, and get to know some new people, start a new chapter. i hope this is God's plan for me... but for now, i will just wait and prepare. one day i will break free. 

some people seem to expect that theres always some big thing on my mind that i need to talk about. i dont need to talk. i'm ok. a hug and some time to just hang out and have fun enjoying life sounds like the best thing in the world almost. i feel like people who think that others always need to talk about something big, are hindering them from growth. theres some people i wish i could just hang out with, but i cant, they won't let me..

scatter

i have so much to say

and no words

no title

i just wanted to say that the summer is going great
i cant even begin to describe it right now, but i'll reveiw it at the end.

summer is coming like... now...

but it doesnt feel real. i guess it will when i get there though.

please pray for me

- for joy
- for a prepared heart
- for perseverance
- that i would have a great summer... if i get to counsel, or not.

please also pray for the campers
- that the captive would be set free
-for open hearts
- that the ones who need to be here that are still on the waiting list, would go to camp
- that they would be placed in the right cabin, with the right counselors
- that they would let go of lies

options, options and no idea which way to go

ok so..

L.I.T this summer.

and then (hopefully) my last year of high school

and then.... ?

i have so many options. i could go to bible collage, which i want to do, and theres soooo many to chose from. i could do an apprenticeship in youth & schools ministry with the pais project, or i could join YWAM, or i could work for Compassion, or i could do an internship with TWLOHA, or i could...

so yes, i have many options. and as you may have noticed, all the things i want to do and i'm looking into, do not involve being paid, and do involve needing money for flights and essentials, or for collage..

and there are even more options than that! ahhh. i'm thinking i'll need to just work for a year. and when i say work i mean... work either a full-time job, or 2 - 3 part-time jobs. then at least i'll have a bit of money so that i can keep debt to a minimum for whatever direction God wants me to go. so.. missions first? collage first? apprenticeship first? am i going to do all of those things?

well.. i have time to decide...

on the inside

- did you know, i'd still say yes if you asked, but you won't
- dear mom && dad, i'm not a horrible person. please believe that.
- i'm dying to talk to her right now, and it isn't happening, i miss you.
- sometimes i wonder if people will just suddenly stop caring about me
- thank you Lord, for turning everything around
- i will survive
- we are soldiers, we have war wounds, our story is that He heals us.
- they sent me home from ledger, as soon as i began to enjoy it.
- i suck at keeping in contact, i'm sorry
- i'm a mess of insecurities
- but, insecurity, in the end brought me closer to God, again..
- love me or hate me, i promise it won't make or break me.
- do you have any idea how much you mean to me?
- i thought i wanted someone to say they were proud of me, i didn't. i want to be proud of myself one day, i don't think i ever will be. maybe i will, if in heaven God ever tells me that He's proud of me, that is what i really want.
- it feels weird. i don't know how i'm going to feel when the official day comes. will i tell anyone? or just keep it as my secret accomplishment?

no title

theres a million things i wish i could say. theres so much i want to get off my chest, but i don't know how to say it. sometimes even when i do try to talk about it i don't feel understood, and i don't think i know how to explain it. sometimes i wonder what the point is in talking about it anyways. most of all though, i just wish i had a sister or someone who could actually be here with me. so... to those people with a sister close in age to you, please realize how very lucky you are.

to run

sometimes i just want to run away from time and schedules and responsibilities and just LIVE. sometimes i feel like i'm being weighed down by these typical little everyday things. i hate having a life that i can't just leave or change at any given moment. i hate being stuck. i want to be free.

untitled

i found this on post secret today and i kinda stopped to think... what do i think about that? is that good or bad? i think its good... really good. its not good that they are uncomfortable with God, obviously, and i pray that they would discover how great he is and would be no longer be uncomfortable with him. but... this person is going to worship because there is something different about people who follow Christ. we are 'awesome' as many people say, in a very different way, we are not of this world, and that draws people in because it seems so strange that we actually love them. this is clearly a work of the Holy Spirit, because when we stand out like that, and show people love, we can show them who God is. i think it is such an amazing thing when people see us like that because it creates such great opportunities for God to work through us to reveal himself to people. i hope this person will continue to go and get to know these 'awesome' people, because God can teach so much through relationships with His followers. i really do hope this person will come to trust God and be drawn more towards Him than just being drawn towards His followers, because really, all we are is what God made us to be, and thats what people are being drawn to is the Holy Spirit that is in us, but they need to go straight to the source, to God, their Father, who is bigger and better than anything imaginable.

God is amazing

ok so the past few weeks i have been falling away from God because i was trying to do homework/ relax and i stopped praying and reading my bible.. which we all know nothing goes well when we neglect those things. then i was getting overwhelmed with... well... everything. i was just not in a good place.

on saturday i had a conversation with a friend that just broke my heart, and i reached my limit. it was then that i realized i could not handle everything on my own, it just didnt work. it was then that i finally broke down. i knew in that moment that cutting, temptation, things, nothing was going to satisfy me or take away my pain i needed ( and still need) the only one who can take away my pain and burdens, my one and only Savior. so i prayed, and i dont mean like "dear God help me" i mean balling my eyes out praying for him to take my burdens away and to help me to get by because i realized that i was and am completely helpless without him. i asked him why things were happening, i apoligized for everything, and then i realized that he is bigger than everything i was so upset about. i then, fell asleep.

when i woke up in the morning, i felt joyful, light, and soooo grateful to God for putting my burdens on him so that i could stand again. its these things that remind me how great my Savior and Father is, and these things that make me fall even more in love with him.

i can't even begin to tell you how much He taught me this weekend, there is no words to describe how i feel now, i'll just say this then: God is good! but, my situations have not changed, nothing disappeared, everything is still happening, but i'm letting God deal with it now, which means i don't need to be burdened by it anymore, he's got it covered.

a small confession

my past.... scares me....

to go or not to go

at the moment i'm trying to decide on something and i don't really know what i'm gunna do. okay, so on the bright side, theres only 2 choices for this one.

a) i work kaleo grad and say goodbye to them

b) i dont go to kaleo grad and avoid the whole goodbye thing.

right now i'm leaning towards choice b but then i'm kinda wondering if i'll regret it later. the thing is im trying to just apprechiate the fact that i get the oppourtunity to know the kaleos every year. but on the other side: why the heck do i keep doing this to myself? i know what will happen when i get to know kaleos but yet i do it anyways and then i end up her, at the point of goodbye, and i dont regret it, but i dont want to do it again. i dont want to do this every year. but of course, im just going to have to shut up about this now because everyone will keep telling me how lucky i am so whats the point in saying anything about how painful it is for the youth kids and people who get to know the kaleos, i dont think the kaleos acknowledge the fact that it hurts us too but whatever i guess its kinda selfish of me to be thinking so much about how it affects me when they have to say goodbye to each other so they're sorta feeling like i am too only in a different way because.. well... all i can relate it to is saying goodbye to my c.i.t's, only worse.. so yeah, as of now, i wont even mention goodbye or their grad or anything. this will be my last post about it. and then i will watch them leave and although it will hurt, i will simply move on with my life, and then in a few more months, there will be a whole new group and i will have to decide if i'm going to get to know them or not. i'm leaning towards not.

looking back

i was reading a post someone wrote on tumblr something about journaling and it made me think. geez, if only i had kept a journal since like... last april... it would make it so much easier for me to see in myself the changes that everyone else says are so obvious. im not kidding when i say i dont see them, like... i know i have changed a lot since last year, but i can't pick out specific things that have changed besides my actions, and sometimes i wonder if theres much of a difference in me since last year, but at the moment i can feel it more. i wish i had kept a journal. it would help me right now, im sure. but either way right now i find myself continueously being amazed by the things God has done for me in my life. i wonder how he could possibly do more, but i know he will.

whirlwind, hurricane, so fast its insane

last night was rough. i was thinking about a million different things at once and depression started to creep its way in. i was really tempted to cut again, i almost gave in, i was so close to letting satan win. thankfully i put the blade down and tried to remind myself of who i am, where i am, and who i'm serving, and i knew that if i gave in it would only hurt God and bring me further away from Him. so i didnt do it. the fact is, these days, i have been clinging to God more than i have in a long time, i need to, but sometimes i can't really feel Him and i get scared cuz it feels like im clinging to nothing, but He is there and i need to trust Him. but its kinda like... i came so close to messing up... and no one is going to read this and try to help me, everyones just gunna be like 'oh good, you didnt do it,' but i came so close, what if i give in next time? i don't want to be like this anymore, i don't want this to be taking over my life so much. i need help. but no one is there. nothing is helping. the only thing i can do is just try to cling to God and hope that if i hold on to Him long enough He will have compassion and free me from this. but i dont think i'm strong enough to do that. everyone thinks i've been doing so well with everything thats going on, people think i'm so strong, but i'm not. i never have been. and people seem to be giving up on me now too. like.. it used to be that they would try so hard to convince me not to cut and now its like ' no, dont, okay goodnight' what can i do?


i really really hope i won't be at the k7's graduation but i think i already signed up to work for it back in january with my staff application. maybe i'll be able to keep myself so busy with dishes that i wont have to say goodbye to them.

now i see the walls i built are falling

i used to put up a wall. i used to block everyone out. i used to wonder what the world would be like behind my wall, but i didnt dare look. i thought it might be more beautiful than i imagined. i think maybe i was right. my wall is crashing down, and i never planed for this to happen, but i think it is a good thing. i can let people in now, i dont have to push everyone away. i can love people like i never knew was possible. i can see more clearly, i can open up a little. i can be a little less fearful. i can forgive fully and allow old wounds to heal, i can learn so much more all the time. i can go after more opportunitys. i am discovering a whole new side to life. and it is good.


but... im also more vulnerable than i'd like to be, i have to trust God with childlike faith, or i wouldnt be able to put my gaurd down, to watch my wall come crashing down and see what its like on the other side. in this kind of life im begining to experiance, i will surely be hurt deeply, but for some reason, im okay with that. sometimes you need to go through pain to experiance healing. you live and learn. its time to stop holding back.

if only

i wish i had gotten to you before the world got to you. i wish i could have told you who you are and how amazing and beautiful and special you are before the world told you all those lies that made you feel so ugly and worthless and insecure. i wish i had gotten to you first..

i got my heart set on what happens next

so i just got the news that i've been accepted. another full summer at qwanoes, my true home. i couldnt possibly be more excited. i know that incredable things are going to happen, and i just can't wait.

this summer will be my 8th summer there, i'm only 16... thats half my life... weird, but cool...

mmmm.... home..... what a beautiful word.

wtf

so i was talking to my mom and then i said "i miss my kaleos" but i didnt mean the kaleo 6's, i meant the k7's. i cant believe i actually called them "my" kaleos. wtf is going on here? i can not let myself get attached to them like that. they are not "my" kaleos and they never will be. i need to stop thinking of them so much, i do not want to feel like this about them. they will leave in april, and i dont want to deal with the goodbye. i refuse. im going to toughen up and pretend like they never even exsisted... or i would... if i didnt love them so much... but i dont think i can do that... i'm going to miss them :(

8 months!!!

quick update

okay so first of all: the confrence was sooo amazing. i cant even begin to describe it. i learned so much, i grew so much closer to God, i dealt with a lot of stuff, and now i get a fresh start. i wish i could tell you all about it but im tired and dont have time for a long blog post, even if i did, i still wouldnt be able to explain it.

in other news, i got my report card. now rewinding back to november i was pretty much failing math and they wanted to kick me out of school because of it. they said i was hopeless. i fell into depression because of my failing grades and when i tryed to reach out for help which i had never done before, nobody would believe me and they just knocked me down even more. i gave in to my temptation to cut that day because of some of the stuff they said. i was determined to pass though, and with some help from my mom, and a lot of endurance and will power i didnt know i had, i somehow pulled it together in the second term. i just got my report card yesturday, i got an A in math. an A. i havent gotten an A in anything acadamic since grade 6, possible not even then, so yeah, i was pretty much shocked.

i also got an email from qwanoes, they want a phone interveiw, im extremely nervous, its friday after school around 4. ahhhhhhh.

people do notice, but can they see, or is it me that is blinded, or both

" everyone says you seem to be doing better this year, you're grades are improving, you seem to be happier, you're attending classes, you're getting more involved.."
"oh yeah.. who said this"
"teachers, counselors, we've noticed it.."

then why do you refuse to even entertain the idea i might not be the same person i was, why cant you consider the possibility that maybe i have changed? or have i? but can you see that there is a reason behind this? can you tell that i have found something far greater than this world? something to live for? can you see that change is possible? or is it just something you wonder about but never ask questions about? please ask questions momma i want to tell you all about it!

how can i do more? i want to have Him shining through me, but i feel like im still stuck in darkness.

Lord, i still love you and i always will, please help me through this. i want to serve you better, and right now i feel like im useless because i feel a disconnection to you and i dont even know why. bring me closer to you Lord please, i have nothing without you. amen.

a night with the kaleo sevens

this is how it started... i drove to camp in the dark, with a slight bit of rain on my second day ever driving. but we lived (yay) and i got there. about 20 minutes later i went where i always go.... dishpit. which of course, made me feel right at home.

so after that i went back to the pacific woods lodge and everyone was at the couches but then a bunch of people headed to mcdonalds. Emma and Kaitlyn stayed so i stayed with them and a few other people. they then discovered the chips and everyone came up to the couches and practically devoured them, like seriously i've never seen so much excitement over chips before, but yeah..

so then we were sitting on the couches and then all in the sudden Emma turned to me and said "Grace, whats your story?" i was so confused, did she really want me to tell them my testamony? i mean.. i hardly even know them... and they're kaleos... and theyre the replacement kaleos. but i've told it to campers before, what would be the harm in telling them? so i went to grab Trent first because i know him and it made me feel a little more secure having at least one person i really knew. and then i told them my story.

i didnt want to get too into detail but i did tell them about a lot. almost everything, i just didnt go too into detail about how it felt and what it was like. after i told them, i felt really... light... as if i had just had a weight lifted that i didnt know i was carrying. but i figured that was it.. tell them... then go back to the library with Trent and Jenna, back to my comfort zone, but no.

they were so great. everyone said something that was so encouraging and so supportive, i felt so loved, i had no idea they care so much. one thing made me want to cry, i think it was Emma that said this but yeah.. she talked about when they named each other @ mount washington and the name they gave Claire was "victory" and she said that it fit with my story so well because "theres been such victory in your life". yeah.. like oh my goodness you have no idea how great it felt to hear that. and then they all prayed for me, pop-corn prayer style, it was so great and i was just thinking like "God thank you so much for this moment, i needed this so much"

so then everyone came back from mcdonalds and we all got extremely hyper. later i went back to talk to Trent and i told him about how its been such a struggle for me to stop cutting and stuff and yeah..

so the next morning i didnt really do much, talked to Trent for a bit, then worked dishpit, then went home. but yeah... awesome weekend. i think i like this group, but they leave in like 3 months, so its kinda like.. what was the point in that? now im just gunna miss the whole group and not just 3 people. but still, i think it was definately worth it. the k7's are amazing.

Emma even made me a bracelet, so right now im feeling like... so special. haha.

what i want for my life

i want to learn from all experiances and gain wisdom from them so that i may help others more. i want to use my life for good things, godly things, things that are worth living for. ultimately, i want to serve my God with every single breath. i want to grow closer and closer to him, and even if i never make it to heaven, at least i can live for him on earth. i want to one day tell my testimony and be able to say that He overcame everything, including self-injury. i want to get baptized. i want to leave everything in the past behind and follow him. that is all i want.

grace is a beautiful thing

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scar[r]ed hand to the other

I know you've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel
But by the truth your word reveals
I'm not holding on to you
But your holding on to me
Your holding on to me

Jesus, you know just how far
The East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scar[r]ed hand to the other

i still love God, why am i so afraid?

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

ugh

i just want to disapear.

have i changed?

life is weird. things change so quickly and yet you hardly even notice it until you look back into the past. my life was once all about partying, stealing, and breaking rules. those actions came with a consequence, depression, guilt, and self-hate. those feelings lead to more stupid actions, cutting, and suicide attempts. friends and good times were all i cared about, i wanted to do whatever i wanted. but then again, things change. i havent smoked weed or gotten drunk or anything in 7 months and i dont steal anymore, and im more about following God's commands than breaking rules. things are different, but they feel almost the same.

sometimes i wonder if i really have changed, or if its all just some act or dream or something and im just trying to kid myself into thinking its different. i mean, yeah, i quit the things i used to be into but have i really changed? i still struggle, im still tempted, im still the same person i was. but how can i actually change? i've been trying so hard and i havent changed at all, or have i? i dont know.

but when i say this to my friends they say that its not true, that i actually have changed, why do they say this? why do they seem so convinced? why am i so not convinced?

and lately i've been thinking about the future a lot, and honestly, im scared. i dont know what im going to do with my life and it seems like everyone else at least has some idea. it used to be that i wanted to be a youth worker or counselor or something, but 'd need to go to collage for that, and i dont think i could handle collage. lately i've been thinking about doing kaleo when i graduate, but i dont know if i could handle the homework, i mean, it is different than other collages, but its still a collage. and its like $16,225 for the year, incuding textbooks and everything, but considering room and board and food and stuff, that might actually be cheap, which is even more scary. thank God im retarded, cuz i dont know what i would do when i move out if i wasnt going to get a disability cheque. and i need to get a job now, but i can hardly handle school, how could i handle school, leadership, youth group, church, qwanoes, and a job all at the same time? maybe... God forbid.... i have to leave qwanoes..... nooooooooo that is way too scary to think about. maybe i can somehow find the ability to balance everything at once, but i somehow doubt it. maybe i should just face the fact that the future isnt looking so bright for me. i like to dream about possible careers, possible missions, possible things i could do and people i could help in my life. but really, i think im probally going to be one of those people that are constantly broke, stuck in a dead-end crappy job, with minimal education. it seems the most i can hope for is a place to live. the future seems nearly hopeless. and it freaks me out to think about it. a lot of my friends are graduating this year or just graduated last year, they talk about the future and seem to be so hopeful, it scares me that i dont have a hopeful future. i never thought about it that much before because i expected to be dead by the age of 16, but im not dead yet, and i dont see death in my near future so yeah.. i guess its time to think about the future, so why do i keep dwelling on the past? why do i fear my future? i dont know.

even the near future is looking not so good. i want to do l.i.t, but i have a feeling God is going to say 'no' and i wont get accepted. then what would i do? i cant imagine not doing l.i.t this summer.

i feel very much confused right now. i wish i could talk to someone and actually tell them this stuff, but i dont see that happening. its times like this that i miss my c.i.t's, the k6's, friends from camp, and i even miss the k7's right now, which is kinda odd considering i dont know them that well, but they are so cool, and i spent a lot of weekends at camp in the fall when i could actually hang out with them, but now i think im only going back a few more times before they graduate. i guess i might as well let go of them now, its easier this year because im not as attached, i only talk to 2 of them, but theres a few people that i so wanted to get to know better but it never happened, the k7 girls seem so sweet, but i guess i'll just have to pray that a few k8's will go to youth group in lc next year.

theres this song by tenth avenue north, by your side.... its really good. its like... Jesus singing.... theres this one line that really hit me..

"why are you still searching, as if im not enough?"

in my world

- one of my c.i.t's is going to be a kaleo next year, this is getting riduculous, first him, now one of my cit's , its weird when you know someone before kaleo because then you dont really think of them as a kaleo, but they are, and then its just strange.
- dutch blitz is friggen amazing!
- im very confused as to whats going to happen in the near future, particularly, summer
- i miss the kaleos, and now i cant see them
- i feel... happy... and i like it, but it seems like the stronger, happier, more positive i am now, the higher i am spiritually right now, the harder im going to fall later on, and i dont want this feeling to ever go away. im finally enjoying my life.
- the bible is the best book ever! im loving it. but it does get confusing sometimes, but its good cuz it makes you think
- im afraid that i will end up on the streets one day and be too proud to ask for help, it seems more likely to happen the more i think about it.

theese colours make a rainbow

something to think about

why me? why would God pick a little insignificant useless sinner like me and give me a purpose and a new life and a huge job to do. can i really handle this? isnt it just a little too much responsibility? does He really think i can do this? isnt this kinda biting off more than i can chew? hmm... nope, i have Jesus, and He rocks!

please pray people. for me. for my friends. for the youth groups. for fuze. for youbou. for lake cowichan.

and another thing that happened to me today.. i was talking to someone about music choices, they asked if it was bad to listen to 'questionable' music. i told them it is because we need to be in this world and not of this world so listening to worldly garbage is not going to help us at all, it will bring us down. but the thing is... i havent been doing this lately. i listen to music that is so full of garbage im pretty sure Matthew would smack me upside the head for it. and i told her not to do it. which means, i need to stop listening to it as well. i know what its like to have someone tell you not to do something and then do it themselves, im not going to do that to her and that is a promise i made to her, to myself, and more importantly, to God, and for God. but its hard. i like to listen to that kind of music sometimes, but i know i shouldnt. i dont know what im going to do now.. i mean.. can i really just go and delete those songs from my ipod and computer playlist? its a difficult thing to do, i dont know if i can. and im not saying that this is like some big huge sin or something, im just saying, i promised. and i refuse to be a hypocrite.

so to all that read this, please pray that i would be able to do this, for God, so that i may be less worldly and a better follower. also, that in so doing this i may set an example for the other believers, and keep my promise.

... but grrr... that means deleteing some of my favourite songs and bands. ahhhhhhhh how the heck am i gunna do this?

finally

i dont think i have ever heard these words come out of her mouth in my entire life
"i'm proud of you"
my own mother said that... to me! omg i cant believe it! you dont even know what its like to have her say that to me. ahhhh it feels so weird, but so good.

staff retreat

okay what could be better than staff retreat of 2009 turns into 2010? one thing and one thing only: heaven.

- epic reunion. c.i.t's. summer staff. Heather (she is so amazing that she gets her very own catagory, you know your special when..)

- many many heart-to-hearts.

- being with sisters. ultimate estrogen boost haha

- my first communion. oh my goodness i cant even describe how amazing it was. it was one of the most intimate moments with Jesus i have ever experianced. i was overwhelmed with a million different feelings at once. i got some intense prayer time. i finally got over my fear. oh my goodness, i love Jesus so much. i can not even fathom how great he is. communion was one of the best spiritual experiances of my life, i felt so close to Him, it was incredable. wow, i love communion!

- the gathering of the c.i.t's. can only describe it with this: wow. so encouraging.

- epic new years dance party with Heather

- hot tub time. the familar feeling of being 'one of the guys' i love it.

- asking for prayer and praying for others. it was an experiance i can not speak about, but i can say this: i learned something

- goodbye, this time, no tears. because i know that we must all walk our own paths in life, and wherever they lead us, God will get us through. and even though we all walk different paths and come from different places we are still a family of believers and we are all headed in the same direction, and one day we will be reunited in heaven and it will be better than anything on earth.

- all systems go, feeling refreshed, clean, and closer to God than ever. i have high hopes for 2010, i have a feeling i am about to grow so much throughout the year and things are going to change a lot, my heart will be broken, lessons will be learned, and in the end i will be thinking the same thing im thinking now, no matter what happens, even if i lose everything, "God is so, so good."

* new years resolutions*
-stop cutting
- read at least 6 books of the bible
- do l.i.t
- stop being so afraid, let Jesus overcome fear.