....

i fucking quit!!!!!!

im not trying anymore.

i give up.

grrrrr.

sometimes i wish i could disect my brain, take out all the parts that make me think, and then stick it back in my skull and be a hell of a lot happier.
everything would be fine if id just stop thinking. i love living with my brother, its friggen amazing. but sometimes i get confused, like when people ask where i live or when i try to make plans but dont know where the hell i'll be living when the time comes. case and point: summer. how the hell am i gunna figure out all the camp stuff when i dont even know where i friggen live. i live in lc for now, but how long will it last? i dont plan on moving back to ubo anytime soon thats for sure. i dont friggen know where i belong, where the fuck is "home"? does "home even exsist? i dont know but if i know anything its that im happier living with ben than i have been in a hella long time.

i seem to be messing up a lot lately. my life is getting more and more complicated, so how do i deal? i just dont think about it. its amazing how much better i feel when i dont think. but i have to be careful because when i allow myself to think about stuff i start getting depressed, and then i make mistakes like cutting again or planning on....nevermind.....just stupid stuff.

the kaleo grad is coming up and its causing me to feel...different....i dunno....i never thought id feel like this because of them...did i not tell them to stay out of my life when i first met them?....why does no one ever just listen and disapear when i tell them to? friggen qwanoes people...there just too amazing.

every now and then i get a burst of excitement when i think about qwanoes and the summer and how it could potientally be the best thing to ever happen to me....if i get acccepted that is....which i doubt. but just the thought of it keeps me going when things get extra tough. right now ive got a lot of decisions to make tho, for one....youth camp...go or not go? or work osc?....where would i go if i went "home"? ubo or lc? where the fuck will i be living then?.... i know for a fact that so many people will be wanting to party with me the second i get back....if i go that is.... and if i go and then go back how the hell could i do that? id be hurting so many people i just couldnt do it. and if i dont get accepted... what will i do with my summer? is it just gunna be another drunken ubo/lc summer? sure jumping off the bridge, tubing down the river, spending all day at the beach, camping, getting haggered and then starting all over again for 2 months straight sounds awesome right? well....what if i said thats not what i want to do? what if i said id rather spend the whole summer at a christian camp away from all my friends at home with no drugs or alchol? crazy right? thats what my friends think... but thats where i want to be. i will sorta miss the drunken beach days but its worth it. so many thoughts run through my head concerning summer its unreal. my cousin said he'll go to camp with weed and a mickey... fuck i hope he doesnt. what would i do? i sure as hell wont do anything but i dont know how i could tell him why not. fuckin hell why must this be so confusing?
i sure hope none of the cit potientials are readin this cuz if they are im probally so out. but if you are reading this try to understand that im just blowing steam and qwanoes is where all of my loyalties lie.

stuck in my stupidity again... why havent you given up on me yet?

so things haven't been so good lately...
i've basically just given up on myself, figuring its easier not to hope for anything than to have all hope painfully shattered and be left empty and disappointed. i need to spend some time writing or something, anything to change my mind. i continuously tell myself that i am worth nothing to the world and everyone would be so much better off without me. yet i know of one person that would be so hurt if i died, so i face the continuous pain and think about her, hoping that she will forgive me. but i dont think she will, and it breaks my heart, and she will probally read this and never realize its about her, and i tell her how much i care, but she refuses to listen, it kills me.

i've been making a lkot of mistakes lately, but this is my life now, it could never be any different. i'm sorry for all the people i've hurt.

lately i've been feeling so horrible, i try to convince everyone that i'm totally fine, but then there are those annoying people who can make me freeze and listen by just saying my name, and i know exactly what they're going to say, and every word hits me like a dagger, i dont even know why. its people like that who somehow can get me to tell them stuff when its the last thing i want to do, and they dont even have to say anything, theres just something about them.

i am promising myself right now that i will never let myself get attached to another one of the kaleo's next year, i hate how im counting down the days until they graduate, and it kills me because im afraid of saying goodbye, and i'll really miss them. they have affected my life so much, i never realized until now. and i tried so hard not to care, that was pointless.

im regretting something a lot right now, and its too late, im screwed. why do i have to be so friggen stupid? well i guess it doesnt matter that much if i make a huge mistake, its what i diserve for being such an idiot.

friggers qwanoes has never meant so much to me, sometimes its the only thing that keeps me alive. but i highly doubt i'll be there this summer, i applied, but i dont think they'd accept me.

... why did i let myself believe miracles could happen?

hmm well, im a total fake.

today i slipped back into my usual life, went to Tanna's at lunch, spent all my money on stupid shit, skipped the rest of the day. oh yea, not good. it was fun tho, thats why its so hard to resist, i love it there, i just hate the guilt that comes with it. theres 3 places in this world that i feel at home, her house is the second best (first is qwanoes)

last night i got the strong erg to cut again, today i got a new blade, and the temptation gets worse every second. please pray for me, i dont know what else to do, but i hate how shitty it makes me feel sometimes.

never back down

ok so my life in brief.. hi, i live in ubo.... you now know my life story.

i had the most awesomely amazing weekend in victoria, it was sweet, and incredably random. so this is what happened, so tuesday im on facebook and thought i should go to vic for like.. 2 days or something.. i tald my mom about my brillant thought (which was completely unplanned and doubtful) and she said "ok you leave tommorrow, come back sunday" well... that went well.

but it was so great, i got to see a bunch of people who i like never see, and i got to be cityish for once. im so glad i had people with me cause im really bad at remembering to wait before crossing the street, i almost got hit by a car, on so many occasions. note to self...wait for signal! but it was so great to get out of town for a bit, refreshing actually. Lauren took me to a grocery store, for the 3rd time in my entire life, and then Daniel met us there later. well yea... lets just say it was a whole new world for me, they had cooked food...in a store... and nothing was out of date! it was like resturant/chinatown/store/superfluous amounts of weird foodish type items. living in a store is sure different. well, she found it quite entertaining. i cant even begin to explain how it affected me being there, but it gave me a whole new state of mind... i was... happy.

saturday night i decided i needed to go home, for many reasons. i didnt really want to leave, but i just couldnt stay anymore. but now its back to reality, back to my life, in ubo... a hell hole, but its still my home, its still my life. i've decided im gunna change, it will be hard, but i cant live like this forever, i need to break free. i refuse to give up, i will never back down, i'll fall, i know that, but i will fight to the death, i need this, i want this, its time to change. i am not afraid. i dont fear the sinful ways of life here, i now embrace them, they've made me into who i am, without my past i would be a totally different person, id be stupid and arrogant, selfish, and ignorant. whatever doesnt kill me can only make me stronger, i'm ready, no matter what. if anything tries to bring me down or get in my way or bring me down i will only laugh at them.

" the world will give you a lot of troble, but i have overcome the world"