rawr

if i dont talk to a female follower of God soon i will probably explode. like, actually. im actually wondering if i should skip a weekend of camp to go to victoria but that would be like 2 weeks from now cuz i might be able to skip dishpit for mens retreat but theres no way i can not go to junior high and senior high. and no girls are picking up their phones right now. so basically, im screwed for the next 2 weeks. unless i talk to Claire, which i doubt will happen... honestly, why did God make me the youngest? i would kill for an older sister closer to my age.

and i think im just going to skip church this weekend. its too complicated for me right now. so yeah..

communion

so i've been at camp, then at ledger, then at camp for two weekends, and now... for the third time in the past 3 months, i can actually go to youth group and church. but of course it just so happens that its the first sunday of the month which means... the dreaded, the terrifying, the horific.. (dramatic music)... communion. okay so maybe it doesnt sound like something horific but it is to me okay, im just retarded like that.

i got to the route of my fear of communion this summer. i know exactly why im afraid of it, and its kinda not a legit fear anymore because i've changed so much.. but im still scared of it, why? this summer God basically told me "stop being so scared, i want you to take it" so i went to q-town the day they were doing communion, and then ran away at the word "communion". but i've been thinking about it a lot lately and i dont want to run away anymore, i want to take it, but im scared.

so basically... the main cause of the fear is simple. people keep saying "dont take communion unless you are in a good place with God" "if you screwed up, dont take communion" so i, realizing that im basically just a little shit-head and have no right to take part in something that special, ran away or just didnt go all together, every single time since i was like 8 and didnt know what it was. the one time i actually didnt run away and just didnt take it, "she" definately noticed. so it ended like this..
"oh, you dont believe in God"
"what????"
"if you dont take communion, you dont believe in God, its a way to show our love for him"
"you dont have a clue what it means"
and after that, i ran and hid or just didnt go, every single time.

i talked to Jim about it, and apparently i was wrong. its not about being perfect, its about realizing we're not even close to perfect, knowing how much we need him and remembering what he did for us. he said that all the times i ran away, would actually be the perfect time to take it because i was recognizing how special it actually is.

i think abother big part of it, was i was not fully living for God last year, and i felt like it was only for those people who actually live for him day to day. its kinda weird being like... wow... i guess now i'm "one of those people". but im still a little shithead. i dunno, i bet anything that on sunday i'll run away from it again, and the next time, and the next time, and the next time....

why am i still so scared of it?

what is it about him?

i just cant stop smiling when i talk to him
he makes me feel like myself again.
i love him so much

meh..

"where the fuck have you been? you disapeared"
"yeah, i was at camp, then in victoria.. its been a while"
"so you still smoke or did they brainwash you?"
"i quit smoking"
"what about weed?"
"i quit"
"well thats pretty fucking gay"
"um... well... i dunno"

i dont know how many more of theese conversations i can handle.

a brighter side

so when your feeling a nearly unbearable temptation to go back to smoking and shit what is NOT a good thing to do? go somewhere that its right in front of you. so what did i do? go somewhere that it was right in front of me.

okay so what started out to be not the smartest idea turned out to be good for me. we got in a debate about God, that was definately interesting. it was surprising, hearing him defend God so much and then watching him light up a joint, and then seeing a book on "introduction to the new testament" on his floor. i found it quite contradicting but somewhat encouraging. does this make sense to anyone else?

okay so heres one of my favourite parts of today..
he lit up a smoke and asked me if i wanted some. every part of me was dying to take it, but a small voice in the back of my head said "no, think about God.." i looked at him and said "no, thanks. i quit." he said "oh, good girl" and then told me how much he missed me. haha what a sweetheart.

so.... basically.... im still going strong. why? because God is just so friggen amazing that no matter how bad things get i can not walk away from him. its weird cuz it was killing me, until i said no, and then, i didnt have a problem with it.

i think people are noticing something different about me. i wonder what they see. i wonder if theres anyone who actually beleives that i have changed and im not going to go back to the way things were. i wonder if God is proud of me.

what right do i have to be weak in faith? what right do i have to question God like i was yesturday? considering all the things he's done for me, id say i was pretty stupid and selfish yesturday. it is worth all the suffering in the world if it means that one day, i will be standing before the king. one day, i might hold the hand that holds the world.

i think i need to learn not to rely on people as much. today, it wasnt people that gave me the strength to say no, it was clearly God. and clearly, it will always be God.


ohhhh p.s i didnt cut last night :)

p.p.s i'm actually getting stuff done in school, im almost finished a unit in family studies.

trying to use strength i dont have

i am not going to cut tonight. i am not going to cut tonight. i am not going to cut tonight. i feel like the temptations and the things i am feeling right now are going to tear me apart. i dont know what to do. but i cant give in. if i give in now that would be like totally slapping God in the face, not to mention...um.... i need to be a good example right now. how can i tell others not to do it if im doing it? grrrrr..... i need weed! wtf am i saying? i want weed, i want cigarettes, i want to go out and get drunk and do stupid shit but i cant. i havent done that in 4 months and im not starting again now. i need to stay strong, but i am falling apart. and im not going to camp this weekend so its like.... shoot. im completely on my own for.... a long time. i wish i could call a random trip to vic or something but no... of course it just had to be halloween this weekend. i cant do this anymore. im not strong enough. but then again.... i cant let go. frig, why didnt i just die in april like i was supposed to, i wouldnt have to deal with this shit if id just gotten what i wanted in the first place, but i guess thats kinda stupid too cuz then.... what would have happened if i had died that night? i dont really know but sometimes i think the world be a way better place if i did. i dont really want to die tho, no danger of another attempt people, dont worry. i just... i dunno... why did they have to stop me? honestly. but i guess i should be grateful that i was given a second chance at life and i need to use it for what God wants. but its so hard and im so tired. i just want it to be over, but i guess now that i've decided not to kill myself i've got years and year of this torture left to live. maybe it will get easier in a few months... maybe i should just give up... maybe... maybe i should just talk to someone about this already. but who would i talk to? the kaleos dont know anything about me and i plan on keeping it that way, the people i usually talk to seem to not be around, and i know exactly who i really need to talk to but i dunno, i just havent been able to talk to her yet. maybe i should talk to Claire about all this but i dunno, i dont usually talk to her about this kind of stuff but then again it could be really helpful considering she can probally relate to a few things... but that would be getting attached to a kaleo again which i dont want to do, even the ones i already know, i am not going to let myself get attached to them. i am so lost right now. i think i know what i need though, i need to go to vic and see Sarah and Lauren. i think i need a girl, or maybe i dont and i just think i do because of course i dont really have any girls i can talk to who will encourage me and not be like "oh that sucks, want a smoke?" grrr im going to lose my mind.

losing faith

im starting to slip
i feel so empty
i feel so broken
i feel so weak
and every time i try to reach out for help
theres no one there
theres no hand for me to grab before i fall.
i want to cut again, but i know i shouldnt
its hard to avoid
the devil is attacking me
and he's starting to win
i dont know what to do.
lies. everything around me. and i know truth, but i seem to be losing my grip on it, believing lies yet again.

okay... so... how is this happening?

i feel like such a bitch for thinking of the new kaleo's as "the replacements" but i cant not think of them like that. its annoying. i like the new kaleos, im starting to become slightly attached to them and it scares me because i dont want to be attached to them. i want to feel absolutely nothing when they leave. and i dunno, i just want my kaleos back. i love my kaleos. i miss them so much. and having the new kaleos here only makes me miss them more.

but on the bright side, theres this one kaleo, he's so awesome and we have quite a bit in common and he's actually really easy to talk to. he's one of the few that i dont feel weird around at all. i got to ask him a question thats been bugging me for a while, he didnt really have an answer but it was cool to talk about it anyways.

it seems that i went to camp with some questions and left with a millon more. talking to someone about the world i realized, basically my whole life i've just been believing lies. i thought that now that things have changed i wouldnt believe lies anymore, but no.. i still do, just not like before. but now i realize, they are lies, so then... what is the truth, really?

honestly, i just need... something.... i dont even know anymore... i need.... for that stupid devil to stop attacking me already, geez. i mean, why doesnt satan realize when God has won a battle and just leave it at that. i wish i could punch satan in the face. but i cant, so, i'll just keep holding on as best as i can. im stronger now, i can handle it, i know God is big, therefore, my problems dont matter because my God can conquer anything. therefore, all i need to do is hold on to him.

is this even real?

okay so theres been a lot of changes in the past few months, its definately a lot to take in all at once. i know that i am becoming a strong follower but am i strong enough have 3 amazing and special people under my wing while i have no one to take me under theirs. am i really alone in this? cant i just have one person to support me this year? but no of course, no one cares. and the people who do, cant do anything about it anyways cuz there not here. i wish i had my kaleos back. yes- my kaleos. im sick of trying to get to know the replacements. i just want my kaleos back, i just want the summer back, i just dont want to be alone anymore. and of course, thinking about it is making me upset, i must be strong, for their sake. its a scary thing though, when someone tells you that you are their role-model, i've gotta wonder, am i good enough? well i've got to be. i must be a good example, i must be strong, even if im completely alone now, i cant let it break me.

another worry... i have 4 people that want me to take them to youth group/church next weekend. its the first sunday of the month. that means communion. i dont understand why im still so afraid of it. 

my head is spinning so much lately. i tried to talk about it, but i havent really been able to, but at least i got to talk to JimBad a bit, that was helpful.

i really want to cut right now, but if i do, how could i tell her not to cut? why cant i just give up?

i need to talk to someone. 

its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me and im feeling good.

i did it!
he passed me a joint
i said i quit
and nobody bugged me about it.
i had a great time
i left without smoking or getting drunk or anything.
it was friggen hard
i was surrounded by the smell of weed and cigarettes, which usually make me cave right away, but no. 4 months and 10 days and still counting.
did i mention God is friggen amazing and way more powerful than um... anything!

im going the opposite way :)

one of the sweetest things i didnt remember

i was looking through some old papers and stuff and i found a random doodle of mine, but i dont remember doing it. all around the edges of the paper i wrote things like "anger, depression, lonely, drugs, alcohol, parties, cutting, suicide, darkness, lost,"etc etc. then there was a circle, in the middle of the circle there was a cross with a heart behind it. around the cross and inside the circle i had written words like "light, good, safe, loved, hope," etc etc.

i just thought it was cool, its weird how i totally forgot about it tho. its actually quite random. i wonder what i was thinking about when i made it.

some quality God-time

so i woke up this morning and covered my eyes groaning about how bright it was, and tryed to go back to sleep. then suddenly jumped out of bed to see that it was actually.... sunny! what a miracle. it was as surprising to me as the first snow fall of the year, the magic of waking up to see the whole world covered in a white blanket of snow. thats what it felt like to wake up to the sun shining.

so i gathered some notebooks, my book of old writing, and Jonny Mo's book and heading outside to get a good dosage of vitamin d. a millon things went through my mind while i was out there. i really needed that. praise Jesus for days like today :) it is gray and cloudy right now but i dont really care because i am not going to let the weather bring me down (although the weather is a great pick-me-up when its sunny)

i came across my bucketlist (a list of things to do before you die) i added something and i actually got to cross something off. how great is that?

i came to the decision that everyone should have a little bag of skills to help with depression and times of confusion, i have a rather big bag of little tricks now, and it is making all the difference..
if any of you are in need of some tricks.. ill name just a few

- pray- duh
-read luke 15
- flip through the psalms, stop on any page, read it!
- read the chapter on seizing the day in Jonny Mo's book
- listen to really upbeat music and colour a picure or draw or something
- look at your walls, if there are picures of girls in bikini's- rip them off your wall- its really satisfying.
-redorate your room, get rid of junk, etc etc
- put a giant peice of paper on your wall, get all the art supplys you have and go crazy.
- write down sweet verses and put them around your room
- put 1 peter 3:3 on your mirror
-write
-if all else fails... go outside and smash things
-mash potatoes, bananas, whatever, or pound meat (this helped before i was a veg-head)
-wear a bright colour
-help someone
-cheak out God's love letter

these are just off the top of my head so if you want the full list (so far) i'm working on it, let me know if you want it.

the most beautiful person i know

she is my inspiration. i love her so much. with all of the things she is going through right now. raising 4 kids on her own because her husband chose drugs instead, yet she is constantly praising God and telling me about how much he is helping her through this. she is so strong, so amazing, such a beautiful person. i wish i could be more like her.

she see's something in me that i dont see. she seems to look straight into my soul. i hope i can be more obediant to God, more deep and secure in my faith, more of the kind of beautiful person that she is. if i can be half as strong as her, i will live the rest of my life with a smile on my face because she blows my mind every time i talk to her. what a blessing it is to know her. God shines through her. i wish i could be more like that.

i wonder..

why did Jesus say that it would be better to jump in a lake with a millstone around your neck than cause children to stray from him when he knew it would unrightfully cause my aunty to almost drown?
why would my grandma try to drown her daughter because of a cd with "questionable" lyrics?
why did he make my momma and my aunts and uncles have to deal with all of the terrible things she did and think that thats what "religion" is about?
why did he let that happen?

and at the same time, im amazed at how much he protected them through their childhood.

um... God def answers prayers.

so i was praying and wishing i had somebody to talk to when suddenly the door opens, Claire walks in. we talked about a few of my stresses and my dilemma with church. i feel a lot better now. i think i've made my decision too. after talking to Jeremy (who by the way, looks a lot like one of my brothers) i thought maybe i might go to new life or some other church in duncan . i could go to new life, bethel, north cowichan alliance, or st. andrews. i dont know anything about st.andrews, bethel doesnt sound like the right place for me, i didnt think much about north cowichan alliance until i met someone who goes there and i figure it would suck if after january i never saw him again, and new life sounds really awesome. so i dunno. but i do know i'm gunna pick one of them. 

so yeah, i was thinking id head up to the a-frame to study (thats where im staying- how cool is that) when suddenly i thought of jonathan and how he used to go to the library all the time, so i went there and a guy was there so we talked a bit and i feel a lot more comfortable now, and i think i was definately wrong about the new kaleos, they are awesome people. this new guy is really cool but then he told me that he lives in alberta, just like jon, he was in the library, just like jon, and he's in room 211, just like jon. so yeah... thats pretty weird. i guess i just need to give these kaleos more of a chance instead of thinking of them as the replacements. 

anyways, i got the energy boost i needed. so hopefully that will last at least until next weekend for juniors retreat. 

... i dont even know...

um... so im at qwanoes right now, which is good. but its kinda weird too. the summer is over and the only people that are here this weekend are the new kaleos and the year-round staff. i find myself feeling as if qwanoes is dead- or a better word- hybernation. its so different. however, i am glad im here for a few different reasons 

                                           1. my friends are getting quite annoyed with my lack of being around. i havent even seen them since like... june 12th or something like that. and they dont know about all the things that have happened since then. im worried about going back to school, it will be the start of a majorly tough year. i still have to tell my friends that im not doing any drugs anymore, or anything illegal in general is a bad idea... once i tell them that,what will they do? what will they say? will they still be my friends? grrr its such a tough thing to tell them and they know im back now so if i was at home id probally be with them right now.

                                        2. by being here, i get to meet some of the new kaleos. they seem pretty cool. i'm talking to a few of the kaleos that go to duncan youth groups and hopefully that will help me with the decision i need to make about church. i must say- they sure have a way of making you feel welcome. maybe i was wrong about them, i dunno. 

                                     3. by being here, i can hopefully learn something, and also, im getting a lot of good insight on what i should do regarding church. so thats cool.

in general though... im feeling a lot more self conscious than usual, and i seem to be trying to ignore my problems without knowing that im trying to ignore my problems because i know i shouldnt but i am. does that make sense?

tommorrow as soon as i get off work im going on "mission impossible" with my mom and my brother...

                       step 1: tea or something with grandpa, drop him off, and then try to act like we didnt see him

                     step 2: speed shopping

                     step 3: dinner with Grandma while trying to pretend that A) we were no where near Grampa and B) i was not just at a phyc ward for a month C) i didnt fail grade 10 D) im already back in school and doing very well 

this could end in disaster.

and honestly, i should be so grateful that i just got a bunch of new stuff and im getting more tomorrow right? i want it all gone, i hate it. why? because as soon as i get something nice and then my mom gets in a bad mood suddenly im selfish, greedy lil brat, nothing is ever "enough". honestly, i would rather have nothing than have her say that about me. i dont want anything anyways. im so sick of her saying that about me. do i really seem like im that kind of person? i wish i could just get rid of everything but that would just make her more mad. isnt there anything i could do that wouldnt end in getting shit from my parents? 

woah.

so i woke up this morning thinking about some stuff and then all in the sudden it hit me.. i made it. i lived to my 16th birthday, i was planning to be long dead by now but im not and im so glad. i lived to see the day i never thought would come. i almost didnt make it, but God wouldnt let that happen. ultimately he is in control of my life and im so glad he is cuz my life is always a disaster when i try to control it. its a weird thought though. sometimes i wonder what would have happened if i had died that night. thinking of all the things that would have never happened, all the lessons i would have never learned, all the accomplishments i would have never made, its kinda scary. but now its only a painful memory, thats not who i am anymore and i dont plan on ever messing around with death again until God decides my time is up. its another weird thought though, because now i have a future. in grade 8 i decided id be dead before reaching 16 but now i have so much time, so many years ahead of me, its like a whole new veiw, an entire life ahead of me, what am i going to do with it? only God knows.

im okay. just a rough patch.

so i didnt really do anything too special for my birthday but this is pretty much how it went down..

my parents gave me an ipod, very cool.

i got like 80 bucks

and i dont really care too much about it because the thing that meant the most to me was the simple card that my brother gave me. it had a verse in it. for those that have heard about my brother, imagine my surprise when he gives me this sweet little card with a sweet verse in it. he doesnt understand why it means so much to me, but he pays attention enough to know that it does. how amazing is he?

another thing that meant the world to me... i got a bunch of my cit's wishing me happy birthday and reminding me that they havent forgotten me and still care about me a lot. i miss them so much. if only we could organize some sort of cit reunion soon because i am for sure in need of it.

also, i got to talk to a good friend of mine on the phone (for like 2 hours) and i realized, i am okay. i mean, im exhausted, but im okay. and i thought about all the times i used to go through times like this and id get so depressed and overwhelmed and therefore i would turn to things like cutting and getting stoned and shit and now... i dont. i am different now. i havent done any drugs in 4 months, i havent cut in a really really long time and i am actually doing okay. so i decided, i am going to make the best of my situation, and i actually have more ways of escape than i thought.

i also decided that i need to go to youth group in duncan. its hard because i feel like im betraying the kids stuck at the lc youth group but i need to help myself as well and the lc youth group is simply not going to help me. so i am going to search for a new youth group and church in duncan. i have it well planned out except for one thing- where would i go? i might try new life but it seems so.... big.... and the only other church in duncan that i know of is one that one of the kaleos goes to and i dont really know anything about it i just know the name and the fact that it exsists. so i dunno, i'll try new life and if that doesnt work i'll ask around and see whats best. its weird to think i could actually go to a good youth group.

changed my mind

i want to talk to someone about this, i need to talk to someone about this, its too much for me to handle, but there is no one to talk to. i am alone.

im done.

im done trying to talk about my problems. im done with blogging. i think i need to keep it to myself for now. but at the same time, i've been home for like 3 days and i feel like if i dont talk to someone now i might do something i'll regret.

ahhhh

"she looks up to you, you know.."

am i a good enough person to look up to? i have such an important role now being back here, i have to be careful, i need to strive to be more Christ-like in everything i do. its a burden and a blessing that he has placed on me and i am amazed that he would pick me so that he could work through me, what a blessing. and its such a miracle, she's going to youth group and asking questions and i am so friggen proud of her.

the thing im working at the most right now, is getting rid of old idols and stuff i need to let go of, its all in the past now. i am striving to become more of the person God want me to be. please pray for me.

nonverbal learning disability.

if i havent said yet,
when i was a kid i was diagnosed with two things that are going to stay with me for my entire life and it sucks, a diseased thyroid and a "nonverbal learning disability". for my entire life these things will stay with me. the thyroid thing isnt so bad unless i forget to take my medication but it does mean i need to get blood work done every 3 months and if a problem comes up then i have to get it done a lot more often i had to get it done daily for some reason i had to get it done twice this month so im kinda worried, anyways... i got neurophycoligical testing done while i was at ledger and the results say basically the same thing only now we know more what it is. i'll tell you one thing... i dont like it. but its part of me and its something i will always have to deal with. it explains a lot, much as i hate to admit it. so due to my learning disability and the fact that school has been one of my biggest struggles since grade 7 when i started barely passing, last year i passed one subject. only one, and im getting credit for p.e so i guess thats 2 subjects. other than that i suffered, my teachers suffered, my parents suffered, nobody benefited from me being in school. therefore there are many different theories on how to help me with it.

theory #1
the people at ledger think it would be best if i just stop going to school all together for a while. pros.. dad cannot possibly be on my case about school all the time if im not in school, he'd have to shut up, and if he would shut up then thats 75% of all my stress gone. cons.. how the heck would i graduate? what would i do? how would i get a job? i dont want to be a drop out.

theory #2
Mrs. Taylor thinks it would be best if i just did one subject at a time for all the ones i failed, meaning i'd graduate a year later. pros... less work, still get to go to school, see friends, less stress, etc ect. cons.... i'd graduate a year later, id have too much time to kill in lc because the stupid buses run one every 3 or 4 hours on the new scheduale.. meaning i'd go to class and then have to kill 2 hours in lc every day, to which id be going to the same place, tempted with the same things, and most likely fall flat on my face.

theory #3
my mom sujested one subject at a time in... um... homeschool.
sure as god made little green apples i am NOT under any circumstances doing homeschool. im not even going to bother with the pros and cons cuz i could list a million reasons why it would be a terrible decision. sooooo not doing it. im shocked that she would even suggest it.

so something i've been thinking about a lot lately, this stupid learning disability is defining my life for me. thats not right. im so sick of people telling me that i can't do it. and yet when i try to prove them all wrong i fail and feel worse. i hate it when they say i cant do it but i guess they are right. i cant do it. i dont know what to do. i want to just give up but then where would that leave me? i want to try harder but i'll probally just fail as always, i'm out of options. who is in control of my life? what can i do? i dont know anything anymore. depression is sneaking up on me and i'm scared. i cant handle this, or can i? maybe i can i dont know. im trying to stay focused on what i know to be true but it seems im in a battle between the old me and the person that God wants me to be, that i want to be. i feel so torn. do i give up? do i keep fighting? what am i even fighting for? i dont even know..

yeee

its been 4 months!

lessons learned.

so i am now in ubo, back at my parents house which i plan on living in for a while now, no more moving around all the time, okay well... maybe.

so being at ledger for a month has been a very weird, difficult, interesting, and growing experiance for me. theres a lot of things and changes i went through at ledger.

it all boils down to one thing

i found out who i really am.
and i discovered a new side of myself
a new voice calling out
its my chance to be heard
i cant wait to see whats next.

time to move on

Bryan leaves thursday
i leave Friday
Justin leaves next week.

goodbye ledger.

and honestly, i'm going to miss it.