
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
dear Jesus
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be
Because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be
read dis
k so i spent a while writing about my christmas and talking about how im feeling and what im worried about but then i figured out... no one really reads this blog... and do i really need it? i could easily just write in a notebook or something. so im gunna think about it and one week from today i will decide if i should keep it, or delete this blog. i'll still write in it for the week.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
the retiring of a great notebook
my notebook that i filled with thoughts, prayers, and randomness is now filled.
this notebook has almost every kind of writing that exists in it. there is something i wrote in it i want to share, and i dont know why. please dont judge as this was over a year ago. ps this is an exact translation from paper to blog
November 3rd 2008
where is my relationship with God? i don't exactly know but i do know this, its begining. i am learning and discovering more about him everyday. maybe its not important if you know him or not, all that matters is if you want to. so no, i dont follow him right now, but i'm taking the first steps on my walk with him. i won't pertend i'm something i'm not or act like i'm close with God, because i'm not. at church yesturday, they did communion. a beautiful, precious, and special way to remember what Jesus did for us. i did not take it though, because i dont fully understand it and i'm not far enough on my walk with God to get the full precious meaning of it. communion is a very personal and amazing thing and i'm just not ready for it. but when Sasha saw this she said, "you don't believe in God," it hurt. it hurt because she's right. i'm not a 'christ follower' at least, not yet. maybe i dont fit in with the church and the youth group but there is no where else for me to go. i am acually Grateful for what she said, because it made me fully realize where i am in my relationship with God and i think i am on the right path. but looking at everyone in church and how they all fit together like a family. and they all have God on their sidde as well as a family of people who care and are there to help them on their walk wirh God it makes me think, i want to be a part of that family. and maybe, just maybe, if i have that want, thats all i need, because a want and a craving for Christ is what will carry me through, and everything will be found as i seek it. how amazing is that?
this notebook has almost every kind of writing that exists in it. there is something i wrote in it i want to share, and i dont know why. please dont judge as this was over a year ago. ps this is an exact translation from paper to blog
November 3rd 2008
where is my relationship with God? i don't exactly know but i do know this, its begining. i am learning and discovering more about him everyday. maybe its not important if you know him or not, all that matters is if you want to. so no, i dont follow him right now, but i'm taking the first steps on my walk with him. i won't pertend i'm something i'm not or act like i'm close with God, because i'm not. at church yesturday, they did communion. a beautiful, precious, and special way to remember what Jesus did for us. i did not take it though, because i dont fully understand it and i'm not far enough on my walk with God to get the full precious meaning of it. communion is a very personal and amazing thing and i'm just not ready for it. but when Sasha saw this she said, "you don't believe in God," it hurt. it hurt because she's right. i'm not a 'christ follower' at least, not yet. maybe i dont fit in with the church and the youth group but there is no where else for me to go. i am acually Grateful for what she said, because it made me fully realize where i am in my relationship with God and i think i am on the right path. but looking at everyone in church and how they all fit together like a family. and they all have God on their sidde as well as a family of people who care and are there to help them on their walk wirh God it makes me think, i want to be a part of that family. and maybe, just maybe, if i have that want, thats all i need, because a want and a craving for Christ is what will carry me through, and everything will be found as i seek it. how amazing is that?
Sunday, December 20, 2009
unititled
okay seriously everyone that lives in lc is always in desperate need of a break from lc and when they get one theyre always like 'yay im out!' and then they come back and its like 'i need to get out'.
why do we have to go through this? isnt there some way to change things? isnt there at least somewhere we can run to? honestly, this town suffocates people.
why do we have to go through this? isnt there some way to change things? isnt there at least somewhere we can run to? honestly, this town suffocates people.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Qwanoes vs Imadene
qwanoes-
its amazing, has way more things to do, i like it more, the staff are better at qwanoes in my opinion, and i kinda like.. 'belong' to qwanoes now, it kinda over ranks imadene
imadene-
well... i did have some pretty good times there. and i did spend 6 years of life at imadene, well actually it might have been 7, imadene was the first camp i ever went to; i started going to qwanoes the year after, imadene sends birthday cards, imadene provides financial assistance, its cheaper, its on a lake and not an ocean, and for some reason they wont stop sending me stuff saying 'please come back' but qwanoes is better, its hard to really explain why but it just is.
there are things i miss about imadene, i sorta feel bad for not going there anymore but it had to happen eventually, but honestly, last spring when i was applying for c.i.t at qwanoes, imadene sent me a brochure basically saying 'come be a staff, we want you' and i was like 'nooo, im going to qwanoes', this fall they sent me a flyer for the teen fall retreat and i was like 'nooo im working at qwanoes. and now, they send me a brochure for imadene (and by the way, they totally copied qwanoes themes, it used to be that qwanoes would have a theme like 'breakthrough' and imadene would have a theme like 'cowboys' or 'african safari', but this year their theme is 'jump in') there is this one camp they have that i was thinking about, "leadership developement camp" but that would mean one less week at qwanoes in the summer, and i think im gunna do another full-summer this year, i dunno. but i do miss imadene, i kinda wish i could just go there for a day, but their teen retreat is over and next years teen retreat is probally going to be on the same weekend as a qwanoes retreat that i'd most likely be working for. my imadene days are over. besides, imadene was actually getting kinda lame, summer 2008 i said would be my last summer at imadene, and it was.
its amazing, has way more things to do, i like it more, the staff are better at qwanoes in my opinion, and i kinda like.. 'belong' to qwanoes now, it kinda over ranks imadene
imadene-
well... i did have some pretty good times there. and i did spend 6 years of life at imadene, well actually it might have been 7, imadene was the first camp i ever went to; i started going to qwanoes the year after, imadene sends birthday cards, imadene provides financial assistance, its cheaper, its on a lake and not an ocean, and for some reason they wont stop sending me stuff saying 'please come back' but qwanoes is better, its hard to really explain why but it just is.
there are things i miss about imadene, i sorta feel bad for not going there anymore but it had to happen eventually, but honestly, last spring when i was applying for c.i.t at qwanoes, imadene sent me a brochure basically saying 'come be a staff, we want you' and i was like 'nooo, im going to qwanoes', this fall they sent me a flyer for the teen fall retreat and i was like 'nooo im working at qwanoes. and now, they send me a brochure for imadene (and by the way, they totally copied qwanoes themes, it used to be that qwanoes would have a theme like 'breakthrough' and imadene would have a theme like 'cowboys' or 'african safari', but this year their theme is 'jump in') there is this one camp they have that i was thinking about, "leadership developement camp" but that would mean one less week at qwanoes in the summer, and i think im gunna do another full-summer this year, i dunno. but i do miss imadene, i kinda wish i could just go there for a day, but their teen retreat is over and next years teen retreat is probally going to be on the same weekend as a qwanoes retreat that i'd most likely be working for. my imadene days are over. besides, imadene was actually getting kinda lame, summer 2008 i said would be my last summer at imadene, and it was.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
fail
im sorry.
suddenly my world has become dark again, i cannot see the stars anymore, i cannot see the light. this might be the end.
suddenly my world has become dark again, i cannot see the stars anymore, i cannot see the light. this might be the end.
looking back in time
last night i came across an old notebook of mine, one that i used a lot over the summer and through the fall. it was filled with my thoughts and prayers. i looked back at it and i was like 'woah'. it was so rad.
that wasnt the only thing i came across. i also found my the journal i kept when i was in the hospital for my last suicide attempt. this journal was my only way of keeping my sanity for 4 days. along with it came the journal from ledger. i didnt read either one, i was scared of getting emotional so i just put it away. i did skim over a few pages though, holy crap was i ever broken. i kinda want to show it to somebody, so that they would know what its like and so i can share with somebody else one of the most personal things i have and remind them of how great God is that he can change a person so much. but i cant do it, because im afraid of what they would think.
that wasnt the only thing i came across. i also found my the journal i kept when i was in the hospital for my last suicide attempt. this journal was my only way of keeping my sanity for 4 days. along with it came the journal from ledger. i didnt read either one, i was scared of getting emotional so i just put it away. i did skim over a few pages though, holy crap was i ever broken. i kinda want to show it to somebody, so that they would know what its like and so i can share with somebody else one of the most personal things i have and remind them of how great God is that he can change a person so much. but i cant do it, because im afraid of what they would think.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
last night
okay so it all started around dinner time, my brother showed up to work while my parents were out at the firemans chirstmas party. so he tells us about the mess of his house and everything and how hungover he was, so we offer him the spare room, and he tells us he cant because he was gunna get laid later. so my parents leave and my brother and i watch tv together, while the whole time he was complaining about how hungover he was. so i tried to make him drink water to cure the hangover but his solution was energy drinks. he told me all about his crazy night and how he almost got in a fight with 12 guys. talking to him reminded me of something, i am so friggen glad i quit drinking! so then some friends showed up..... then they left... and then my parents came home around 1:30 in the morning and my dad was piss drunk. this morning mom and i did what we always do and talked all about the juicy details of the firemans party thing and she told me all about how drunk dad was and how hungover he'll be now, he's still asleep. and mom and i are being as quiet as we possibly can because no one wants to deal with dad when he's hungover.
so yeah, dad was drunk and my brother was hungover. and its weird but it made me think about when i used to live with my brother. it was cool, we kinda took care of each other. i miss taking care of him. frickk why did i have to go and fuck everything up? i wish i could go back in time and not make that stupid decision, then i would still be living with him, and i loved living with him, it was the ultimate freedom. but freedom is like a drug, and if you get too much freedom all at once, its hard not to go out of control.
anyways. bad news, today is sunday, which means tommorrow is monday, and i hate mondays, with a passion. good news, this is the last week of school until christmas break.
so yeah, dad was drunk and my brother was hungover. and its weird but it made me think about when i used to live with my brother. it was cool, we kinda took care of each other. i miss taking care of him. frickk why did i have to go and fuck everything up? i wish i could go back in time and not make that stupid decision, then i would still be living with him, and i loved living with him, it was the ultimate freedom. but freedom is like a drug, and if you get too much freedom all at once, its hard not to go out of control.
anyways. bad news, today is sunday, which means tommorrow is monday, and i hate mondays, with a passion. good news, this is the last week of school until christmas break.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
thoughts. confessions. randomness.
- i've realized a major issue for the middle school kids with bullying. its so sad because i remember what it felt like and i remember never believing the people that would tell me how insignificant insults from people like that are, if i had known then what i know now things would have been so different, i wish i could get these kids to believe me.
- a friend of mine is going through a really rough time right now, please pray for her
- i thought i forgave him, but then i saw him twice, the first time i hid behind a car, the second time we were bowling and i secretly hoped that a bowling ball would hit him in the nuts. apparently forgiveness is harder than i thought.
- i want to be a living testimony to God's amazing power and grace, i want to be a light for lake cowichan, and im slowly starting to live it out. i took a huge step, theres no going back now. i couldnt be happier. thank you Jesus!
- one year ago today, i attempted suicide for the first time. i just want to say right now, rescue is possible, and im glad im alive.
- i dont know what is going to happen next, i dont know where this path will lead me, but thats the beauty of it. i know He has great plans for me, so im letting Him take over.
- sometimes at the most unexpected moments, God just blows my mind.
- i had a very important question to ask, it was a good one too, but then i forgot. i really hope i remember because i want to know the answer.
- right now im in the baggyest t-shirt i have and pyjama pants with no make up or anything, and i feel beautiful.
- i was feeling a little alone, but then i found out, i am more loved than i ever knew. and i have a whole family thats supporting me, i love them so much, theyre like a 2nd home.
- i worry too much
- school is over in a week
- i've been clean for 6 months
- maybe i was wrong about marriage...
- "your only as strong as the drinks you mix, the friends you roll with, and the tables you dance on" is SO NOT TRUE
- im learning to apprechiate the simple things more, and sometimes i feel sorry for the city kids who dont get to experiance this.
- i love my grampa <3 id="gwProxy" type="hidden">
- a friend of mine is going through a really rough time right now, please pray for her
- i thought i forgave him, but then i saw him twice, the first time i hid behind a car, the second time we were bowling and i secretly hoped that a bowling ball would hit him in the nuts. apparently forgiveness is harder than i thought.
- i want to be a living testimony to God's amazing power and grace, i want to be a light for lake cowichan, and im slowly starting to live it out. i took a huge step, theres no going back now. i couldnt be happier. thank you Jesus!
- one year ago today, i attempted suicide for the first time. i just want to say right now, rescue is possible, and im glad im alive.
- i dont know what is going to happen next, i dont know where this path will lead me, but thats the beauty of it. i know He has great plans for me, so im letting Him take over.
- sometimes at the most unexpected moments, God just blows my mind.
- i had a very important question to ask, it was a good one too, but then i forgot. i really hope i remember because i want to know the answer.
- right now im in the baggyest t-shirt i have and pyjama pants with no make up or anything, and i feel beautiful.
- i was feeling a little alone, but then i found out, i am more loved than i ever knew. and i have a whole family thats supporting me, i love them so much, theyre like a 2nd home.
- i worry too much
- school is over in a week
- i've been clean for 6 months
- maybe i was wrong about marriage...
- "your only as strong as the drinks you mix, the friends you roll with, and the tables you dance on" is SO NOT TRUE
- im learning to apprechiate the simple things more, and sometimes i feel sorry for the city kids who dont get to experiance this.
- i love my grampa <3 id="gwProxy" type="hidden">
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
you are my strong tower
okay so today we went broke. i dont even know whats gunna happen now its just crazy and now we need to make an insurance claim and the absolute best case scenario is that we're out a thousand bucks and the insurance pays for the rest which would also result in larger insurance bills because this is the first time we have ever had to make a claim, i guess we're blessed that way. now to some people a thousand bucks isnt a big deal but we are part of the working poor which means we live paycheck to paycheck and there is no way to get ahead. it will take until summer to recover from this financially. and we already live in a house that is built on dirt with no foundation and a roof that leaks and a floor that is extremely tilted and water that has to visit every single drain in the house before going down the drain, leaving vegetables in the bathtub, oh yeah and on top of that guess what my rooms are built on? the roof. thats right. it used to be a one story house but then the people that used to live here had more kids so he just built more rooms, right on top of the old roof. and on top of that winter is coming in more and more each day which means the pipes will freeze and we will have to live with no water for christmas. but it could be a lot worse. i mean, yeah its rough but im sure we'll get through somehow. i guess i just need to learn to rely on God more, no doubt he will carry us through this, and i can learn to enjoy the things i already have and stop wanting things. i'll just have to spend only the absolute bare minimum amount of money. which means i might not be able to do any more random trips to victoria or vancouver. which means i'll really have to depend and rely fully on God because without them i'm kinda alone on this, besides Tara. but thats okay maybe i needed this, i havent been relying on Him enough lately, and he will provide, no matter what happens i will be okay. praise Jesus for being there!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
i wish i could save you
please please stay alive. i cant even begin to describe what its like when you stop wanting to die, and begin to fully live. there is hope for you yet i promise.
you are so loved and that will never change
you are so loved and that will never change
Saturday, December 5, 2009
stupid stupid stupid
honestly, whats wrong with me? what about me is so horrible that everyone wishes i would just disapear from their lives? what did i do that was so bad to deserve this? well fine! if thats what they want, then i give up! fuck it. i suppose my sister is just gunna be another sibling that i never see.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
starfeild

it was sooooooooooo great. okay so Tara and i went in and right away the ticket lady was like "oh hi grace" and im thinking "oh no, who is this, what do i do, who is she, ahhhhh" but dont worry it turned out fine, it was Brittney's mom. then i saw Jaymie Hayward! she's amazing. then i also saw Jeremiah and Kennan. so yeah, i knew a lot of people there, but that part is not important, okay so back to the concert.
it was so amazing and it reminded me how good it feels when God is the most important thing in your life. i prayed and asked him to make it happen again, to be the very center of my life and not let me drift away due to depression and temptation. and then i was thinking, wow, im at a starfeild concert, worshipping God, where as at this time last year... not good. He really did rescue me. and then they sang the hand that holds the world. thats been like, my song for the past.. almost 2 months. a while later they played reign in us. another song that has been like, wow. during the summer it was my favorite song. even now, its still one of my favorites (i never have just one favorite song) it was so amazing! cant even describe it.
they played a song that i didnt know but i think its becoming my new favorite. though when i listen to it now its kinda like looking at a picture of niagra falls after seeing the real thing. but its so great. definately encouraging because it reminds me of how much God has done in me and encourages me to keep fighting. its called revolution. and omg it was the most epic thing ever in concert. especially because i was like right in the front. here's a few of the lyrics...
If I'm here all alone
If I'm left behind
If they spit in my face
If they hate my kind
I will rise above
I will live for love
I will answer to the call
For the bond between
For the depth unseen
For my God forsake it all
'Cause I'm a fire
I'm a flood
I'm a revolution
I am a war
Already won
I'm a revolution
oooooooooohhhhh and after the concert, we got to meet them! i got them to sign my p.u.s.h bracelet.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
losing the battle
in a book my class was reading for term one, a man who was mentally challenged had an operation to increase his intelligence, it worked, and he had a whole new life, but then i turned out that it was only temporary and every day he got a little dummer, knowing he would go back to the way he was pre-operation. its kinda weird but i kinda know how he feels.
i was stuck in a life full of lies and sin. but then God rescued me and i learned about him and i was saved. and for a while, i had joy in my life. i was out of the darkness. my vision of life was no longer dim and blinded. but now im falling. and every day it gets a little worse. it wont be long until im back where i started. and it kills me because i dont want this to happen. i want to walk with God for he rest of my life and serve him in everything i do. i want him to be the very reason for everything i do. i want him to be the center of my life. i want to feel him like i did in c.i.t. but every day everything is a little dimer. every day i get a little more depressed. every day i get more and more tempted. every day i want to die more than ever.
im at camp right now, its my last weekend here until staff retreat. i go home today and i honestly cant wait. i dont belong here. and i dont think anyone wants me here. so today im going home, and after staff retreat, i might never come back. ever.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
new plan
k from now on, im just not going to tell anyone whats going on. im not going to ask for help or just talk to people about things im struggling with or need prayer for. im just going to suffer in silence from now on. i have God on my side though, he can help me.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
friggers
do guess what i just found out... my dad blames God for my suicide attempts.
another life ruined by me. how typical. frickk why am i still alive? i havent done anything significant with my life, i havent impacted other peoples lives (positively), and then theres all the people who would be far better off without me.
k so everyone has a lifeline list right? well all through last year i had 4 people on mine, today i thought about it and i changed it, my list now contains 2 people. both of whom are difficult to get a hold of most of the time but w,e. maybe God is trying to teach me to rely more on him and less on other people.
another life ruined by me. how typical. frickk why am i still alive? i havent done anything significant with my life, i havent impacted other peoples lives (positively), and then theres all the people who would be far better off without me.
k so everyone has a lifeline list right? well all through last year i had 4 people on mine, today i thought about it and i changed it, my list now contains 2 people. both of whom are difficult to get a hold of most of the time but w,e. maybe God is trying to teach me to rely more on him and less on other people.
.
not that anyone cares or anything, but im not actually gunna do it. i think all i needed was somebody to talk to but no one was available and then i ended up od-ing on my melatonin (its a natural sleeping suplement, i even googled it, theres no danger in it and yet it still knocks you out right away) when i woke up i was mad. i dunno what was up with me but i woke up thinking 'fuck everyone they dont care' and then i saw that Jon sent me a message. it was really encouraging. so even if no one else cares, he does, and God does. im gunna keep fighting.
Monday, November 23, 2009
i quit
im done with trying. tommorrow i am going to go to school and i am going to smoke again, for the first time in over 5 months i am going to be me again. im so done with this shit. so to all my lovely christ-followers out there, it was a great journey, but its over now, fuck it.
disapointment
so today i realized im pretty much just a waste of flesh so whats the point of even trying anymore? okay like, seriously since i got back from ledger i have been trying so hard to pass school and all i've acomplished is completely exhausting myself and being more discouraged than ever. i havent even gotten my L yet because i've been so busy with homework that i dont have time to study. i havent been skipping anymore, i've been trying as hard as i can, i dont have a life because of it (plus the fact that i decided not to do stupid shit anymore so now i dont really have any friends so i guess im just a loser now). we've been looking at careers in planning and every single career matchmaker snd self annayase has said that my career has to be something involving people and collage. i cant do collage. i can hardly make it through high school how the hell am i gunna get through collage? i bet i wouldnt even be able to handle kaleo, and thats been my dream since.. well last october, but still. frig, i guess i dont have a career. maybe i'll just have to wash dishes for a living since i guess thats the only thing i can actually do and i can hardly even do that because of my friggen hands. oh yeah, and i've been dreaming of becoming a writer since i knew how to write and i've been so busy lately and then i was so distracted and uninspired when i was a stoner that i havent been published in at least 2 years! i only have like 2 years left until i will be too old to enter student writer contests and then how will i get published? i want to enter some new stuff but i dont even write anymore because im so busy trying to get my life back on track and its like frigg. honestly i dont know why i even bother.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
take me as i am, i am clay within your hands
oh my goodness i dont even know what to say.
okay so it started with me watching the simpsons in my room and attempting to do homework. then i got a phone call from a frien who told me that his dad was not doing so well and might be dying. he said he was calling everyone he knew to ask for prayer and apparently i was the first one he thought of (aww). we talked about it for a while and i had no idea what to say so i just listened and mentioned some bible stories, particularly Job, like geez what didnt happen to Job? then somehow we got on the subject of the retreat (sr.high). last years retreat was when we met and soooo much has changed since then. he told me how surprised he was at how far i've come since then. he said that when he herd about my life back then he thought it would take wayy longer for me to change and he said for someone who's only been trying for like a year he's amazed at how 'mature' i've become. he said that when he talks to me it seems like i've been christian for way more than a year (haha a year.. try since like april, and only fully since june 11th.) but still, that was really encouraging. but it was also kinda like 'noooo your better, im in a rough patch' but w,e. okay so then i went on fb to get some other people to pray for him and then went to my other room (okay yeah i know that sounds so rich but theyre both really small so it evens out)
i started to pray for him and his dad and his familyand then i dont really remember what i said but it ended with 'there is nothing without you' and thats when it happened, i finally broke. it was incredable. i cried to God for forgiveness. i asked him to help me to rely on him more and to use me to do his will. i told him i was sorry for cutting and promised that i would rely on him more, and then i turned around and looked at the book that i've been hiding my razor blade in. thats when i took it and said 'i love you more' and with that, i threw it out the window. and thats when i felt it, the refreshing 'clean' feeling i always get after asking for forgiveness. for the rest of the night i listened to worship music and then fell asleep. it was an amazing, beautiful night.
okay so it started with me watching the simpsons in my room and attempting to do homework. then i got a phone call from a frien who told me that his dad was not doing so well and might be dying. he said he was calling everyone he knew to ask for prayer and apparently i was the first one he thought of (aww). we talked about it for a while and i had no idea what to say so i just listened and mentioned some bible stories, particularly Job, like geez what didnt happen to Job? then somehow we got on the subject of the retreat (sr.high). last years retreat was when we met and soooo much has changed since then. he told me how surprised he was at how far i've come since then. he said that when he herd about my life back then he thought it would take wayy longer for me to change and he said for someone who's only been trying for like a year he's amazed at how 'mature' i've become. he said that when he talks to me it seems like i've been christian for way more than a year (haha a year.. try since like april, and only fully since june 11th.) but still, that was really encouraging. but it was also kinda like 'noooo your better, im in a rough patch' but w,e. okay so then i went on fb to get some other people to pray for him and then went to my other room (okay yeah i know that sounds so rich but theyre both really small so it evens out)
i started to pray for him and his dad and his familyand then i dont really remember what i said but it ended with 'there is nothing without you' and thats when it happened, i finally broke. it was incredable. i cried to God for forgiveness. i asked him to help me to rely on him more and to use me to do his will. i told him i was sorry for cutting and promised that i would rely on him more, and then i turned around and looked at the book that i've been hiding my razor blade in. thats when i took it and said 'i love you more' and with that, i threw it out the window. and thats when i felt it, the refreshing 'clean' feeling i always get after asking for forgiveness. for the rest of the night i listened to worship music and then fell asleep. it was an amazing, beautiful night.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
friggers
honestly, k its like midnight right now so i cant call anyone and nobody is on fb and like friggers i need to talk to someone. i kinda really want to cut... again... and i dunno, its dumb. i hate how i always feel like this when theres no one to talk to.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
why?
i have no life. but i guess thats better than the life i used to be stuck in but what if i slip into it again? im scared. and depression is kicking in again. i find myself thinking about a lot of stuff i shouldnt think about. last night i was thinking about this river that has 'death' written all over it and i wanted to jump in, knowing i would never survive and then i thought about it and then i was like "what the fuck? no way. im not going to kill myself. i shouldnt even be thinking about it" but i dunno, satan is attacking me but God is better so im going to keep trying. i mean, i cant forget the amazing gift he has given me. i love God, even though its hard. but i dunno, im definately in a rough patch. i ruined everything.
frig, i wish i could punch satan in the face.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
grrr
i dont want this anymore
but at the same time, i dont want it to go away
im done with my past
yet i still dwell in it sometimes
maybe if my heart stopped beating it wouldnt hurt this much
i kinda wish it could all just be over. right. now. but its not and i dont intend on making another attempt to end it. but still, whats the point in me being alive anymore? im pretty sure i did what i was supposed to do, why cant i just die now? what am i saying? this is bad, this is really bad. i should not be thinking this anymore, i thought i was over these thoughts but i guess im not, i wonder if i ever will be. i guess God has something else planed for me, i know he wouldnt put me through anything i cant handle, i just wish he didnt trust me so much. frig, why is this happening? i thought id be so much better after the weekend, i mean, it was so encouraging, but theres some stuff that i still need to work through i guess. frig, i need to talk to my kaleos, but theyre gone and i need to let go already.
but at the same time, i dont want it to go away
im done with my past
yet i still dwell in it sometimes
maybe if my heart stopped beating it wouldnt hurt this much
i kinda wish it could all just be over. right. now. but its not and i dont intend on making another attempt to end it. but still, whats the point in me being alive anymore? im pretty sure i did what i was supposed to do, why cant i just die now? what am i saying? this is bad, this is really bad. i should not be thinking this anymore, i thought i was over these thoughts but i guess im not, i wonder if i ever will be. i guess God has something else planed for me, i know he wouldnt put me through anything i cant handle, i just wish he didnt trust me so much. frig, why is this happening? i thought id be so much better after the weekend, i mean, it was so encouraging, but theres some stuff that i still need to work through i guess. frig, i need to talk to my kaleos, but theyre gone and i need to let go already.
okay...um... what up?
i was watching tv when someone went in to my other room and then left, thinking they were looking for me i went downstairs after a while to see what was up only to find.... my mother... reading my Bible!!!!! its cool, we've been challenging each other so much lately, she'll ask me about why i dont beleive certain parts of her religion and i always answer 'find it in the Bible and i'll believe you.' the result? i'm asking more questions and getting some awesome answers thanks to the kaleos and im really double-cheaking what i believe, which is great, and she is searching for answers in the Bible. its great! she read some parts of it to me and asked questions and i got to explain some of the things to her, it was so rad. it was more curiosity than anything but she got pretty into it and its def a great start.
so this other thing thats going on right now... kaleo. honestly, i thought i was done with them. i swore i wouldnt let myself get attached to the new ones but i am. i mean, they are so accepting and really fun to hang out with and when i ask them questions they have such great insights and its like danngggg. this is not allowed to happen. they leave in april and i am not going to let myself care. i wont let myself feel a thing when they leave. but i hate the thought of not seeing them anymore. i want to get to know them more, but then i get scared because 'they're kaleos, they come, they leave' and now im just getting closer to them. its annoying, its good but it sucks.
so this other thing thats going on right now... kaleo. honestly, i thought i was done with them. i swore i wouldnt let myself get attached to the new ones but i am. i mean, they are so accepting and really fun to hang out with and when i ask them questions they have such great insights and its like danngggg. this is not allowed to happen. they leave in april and i am not going to let myself care. i wont let myself feel a thing when they leave. but i hate the thought of not seeing them anymore. i want to get to know them more, but then i get scared because 'they're kaleos, they come, they leave' and now im just getting closer to them. its annoying, its good but it sucks.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
could this be any better?
i dont even know what to say.
how could it be better than this? im at camp with Laura, Tara, Steve, Chris, a bunch of c.i.t's, the kaleos, and i even got to see MiSheri (thats code for michelle + sheri, theyre practically one person anyways..
one of the kaleos made me memorize my fave verse and it worked, he also got me to read what the kaleos had to read for their ot lit class, the challenge is i need to read it all by mens retreat. aaaannnndddd.... i finally told him a bit about my life. i feel so much better now, its not like i told him any details or anything just the basics like "haha i was such a stoner, it was stupid."
theres so much more to tell but id rather go ask more questions.
btw theres this other kaleo and dang he's smart. he knows so much biblical stuff.
(notice the lack of the words "replacements" and "new kaleos"? i think i like theese people. but will i see them again after mens retreat? the thought of not seeing them again scares me, i didnt want to get attached to them but i am.)
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
inside this shell is a prison cell
why is it that after all this transformation and after all the amazing things God has done for me im still tempted to cut, i still want to go back to my old life sometimes but theres no turning back now, im not the same as i used to be. and no matter how much i want to do it, i've got people who are looking to me as an example, i told them not to cut and i refuse to be a hypocrite. grrrr but i want to. and my scars are begining to fade which scares me because i've never not had them since i started and i dont want them to go away because they a part of who i am. my scars tell a story and without them my past would only be a memory.
how great is our God?
5 months! thats almost half a year! i cant even believe it. i never thought any of this could ever be possible and now look at how much has changed. sometimes im so in awe of Him i cant even speak. sometimes i get so excited i wish i could scream from the roof tops 'God is unfathomably amazing!' like actually guys.... 5 months! i havent gone that long since i started it, and i was only 12. wow. a lot has changed since then. sometimes i look back on my past and actually just start laughing at it, my past does not control me anymore.
another amazing thing happened last night. my parents said i am allowed to get baptised. they dont understand, they dont agree, but they say i'm allowed. which means i got a heck of a lot of praying to do to find out when i should do it. hopefully i can talk to JimBad about it this weekend.
i cant wait to tell Trent, he'll be so stoked.
but possibly the best part about this weekend is the fact that Laura will be there, i cant wait to talk to her.
so if you guys could pray that God would tell me... loud and clear because this is kinda a big thing... when the right time is to get baptised.
i cant believe this is even a possibility, God is so friggen amazing. i love him so much. at this point, i couldnt even imagine walking away from him. life suck without him.
another amazing thing happened last night. my parents said i am allowed to get baptised. they dont understand, they dont agree, but they say i'm allowed. which means i got a heck of a lot of praying to do to find out when i should do it. hopefully i can talk to JimBad about it this weekend.
i cant wait to tell Trent, he'll be so stoked.
but possibly the best part about this weekend is the fact that Laura will be there, i cant wait to talk to her.
so if you guys could pray that God would tell me... loud and clear because this is kinda a big thing... when the right time is to get baptised.
i cant believe this is even a possibility, God is so friggen amazing. i love him so much. at this point, i couldnt even imagine walking away from him. life suck without him.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
ironic
i find it somewhat strange how after like 2 months of not being able to talk to any girls about anything and then i finally got to one day and i kept saying to a friend of mine "im so glad i can finally talk to a girl about this" and the next day a friend was saying to me "its so nicee to have a girl to talk to, not just about boys but about whats really going on, im glad your here"
its cool how even if theres something you dont really have, like someone you can really connect with and go to for help, you can be that someone for somebody else. the truth is, theres been times that i have seriously thought my brain would explode just by thinking about God. those times were not from asking for help or readoing the bible or anything focused on me and my relationship with God. the times that i learn the most and grow the most are the times when i'm helping someone else. if anyone is reading this and does not have someone under their wing i would strongly advise you do it. not only will it help them but it will make you so much stronger.
im in need of a lot of prayer right now. for oppourtunities to tell people about God and to serve him, for strength and patience and the ability to be a good mentor to people. to actually go to church on communion and not run away in fear, more than that i think i should actually take it this time, though i highly doubt that will happen. for open hearts when i talk to my parents about baptism and for patience if it ends horrible and they freak. and for the strength to allow myself to be broken, to stop building up so many walls, i didnt really realize i was doing it until i thought about the kaleos... im such a bitch by thinking of them as the replacements, i want this to stop. i want to see them as the awesome people they are and not be constantly restraining from getting to know them simply because they are kaleos, kaleos leave. theres this one guy, he's so awesome and its easy to talk to him and i hardly ever feel different around him, its like having a brother almost execpt i keep holding back. i try not to let him know anything about me. the most i've ever told him about me was about my mom, Jon, and a few random memories of my friends. i want to talk to him more but im scared because i dont want him to be Jon's replacement. theres another friend i have at kaleo, i knew him before he was a kaleo but now i think of him differently. i dont talk to him as much as i used to and when i do i feel guilty about it because i always think 'is he becomeing Jon's replacement' this is not right. but its the same thing with this girl at kaleo, she's awesome and so accepting of people but i never talk to her because i think "what if she becomes my replacement for Kylie" this just aint right. it needs to stop. so yeah...
its cool how even if theres something you dont really have, like someone you can really connect with and go to for help, you can be that someone for somebody else. the truth is, theres been times that i have seriously thought my brain would explode just by thinking about God. those times were not from asking for help or readoing the bible or anything focused on me and my relationship with God. the times that i learn the most and grow the most are the times when i'm helping someone else. if anyone is reading this and does not have someone under their wing i would strongly advise you do it. not only will it help them but it will make you so much stronger.
im in need of a lot of prayer right now. for oppourtunities to tell people about God and to serve him, for strength and patience and the ability to be a good mentor to people. to actually go to church on communion and not run away in fear, more than that i think i should actually take it this time, though i highly doubt that will happen. for open hearts when i talk to my parents about baptism and for patience if it ends horrible and they freak. and for the strength to allow myself to be broken, to stop building up so many walls, i didnt really realize i was doing it until i thought about the kaleos... im such a bitch by thinking of them as the replacements, i want this to stop. i want to see them as the awesome people they are and not be constantly restraining from getting to know them simply because they are kaleos, kaleos leave. theres this one guy, he's so awesome and its easy to talk to him and i hardly ever feel different around him, its like having a brother almost execpt i keep holding back. i try not to let him know anything about me. the most i've ever told him about me was about my mom, Jon, and a few random memories of my friends. i want to talk to him more but im scared because i dont want him to be Jon's replacement. theres another friend i have at kaleo, i knew him before he was a kaleo but now i think of him differently. i dont talk to him as much as i used to and when i do i feel guilty about it because i always think 'is he becomeing Jon's replacement' this is not right. but its the same thing with this girl at kaleo, she's awesome and so accepting of people but i never talk to her because i think "what if she becomes my replacement for Kylie" this just aint right. it needs to stop. so yeah...
Monday, November 9, 2009
baptism
i want to get baptised. like.... really really really want to be baptised. like... theres a little voice that keeps screaming in my ear "its time"
problem: my parents wont let me. i dont want to do it without their permission. but how can i explain this to them when i dont even know how to put this into words? how i can i get them to see my side? how can i be understanding of their side and show them that i do care what they think, without giving up on what i beleive? how can i get them to at least let me do it? how?
so please pray for me guys, im going to try to talk to them about it.
problem: my parents wont let me. i dont want to do it without their permission. but how can i explain this to them when i dont even know how to put this into words? how i can i get them to see my side? how can i be understanding of their side and show them that i do care what they think, without giving up on what i beleive? how can i get them to at least let me do it? how?
so please pray for me guys, im going to try to talk to them about it.
i hope you get that steam roller
i hope he reads this..
i always thought it was my fault but it isnt. i thought you were a horrible person but your not. i thought you stole everything from me and i was destroyed but as it turns out you didnt destroy me you made me stronger because i learned an important lesson. i thought i had to be afraid of all guys because they could turn out like you but that was wrong. i thought that i needed justice for what you did to me but i dont, i need to have mercy. more importantly, you made a mistake and it hurt me a lot and although i will never be able to forget what you did i realize now that it was a mistake and im letting go. you did not destroy me, instead i learned things i would have never discovered. and i would never have this glorious moment of just letting go. i forgive you. and i forgive myself.
i pray that you would seek help, i worry about you. i hope you move on and do great things in your life. i hope you find a reason to live a long and joyful life, one that does not involve murder or suicide.
i want good things for you. and i regret being so hateful and bitter all theese years
i always thought it was my fault but it isnt. i thought you were a horrible person but your not. i thought you stole everything from me and i was destroyed but as it turns out you didnt destroy me you made me stronger because i learned an important lesson. i thought i had to be afraid of all guys because they could turn out like you but that was wrong. i thought that i needed justice for what you did to me but i dont, i need to have mercy. more importantly, you made a mistake and it hurt me a lot and although i will never be able to forget what you did i realize now that it was a mistake and im letting go. you did not destroy me, instead i learned things i would have never discovered. and i would never have this glorious moment of just letting go. i forgive you. and i forgive myself.
i pray that you would seek help, i worry about you. i hope you move on and do great things in your life. i hope you find a reason to live a long and joyful life, one that does not involve murder or suicide.
i want good things for you. and i regret being so hateful and bitter all theese years
true ecstacy
when i think of all the things God has done, is doing, and will do i get so ecstatic i can hardly contain my excitement. he's so awesome.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
rescue is possible
staff training week we did a one word prayer thing. scott said "God i pray that this summer you would..." and people finished the sentence. a friend of mine said "free the captive"
He did. He set me free.
the past 5 months, everything has changed. and God has done so much in me and now he is doing things through me too. i never thought i had anything to offer. i thought i was worthless but i tried to do what i could for God anyways, it turns out, i did have something to offer.. my life. my story. my words. my hand to help in any way i can. a willingness to serve him. thats all that it takes.
someone saw something in me this weekend that i didnt even really see in myself. she told me that seeing me change inspired her. she says i proved to her that anything is possible, just by living. well.... obviously it wasnt me that proved that to her, but God working through me. i am nothing without him. God is using me so much and i am so amazed, so blessed, so honoured, so incredably undeserving of this great gift and great responsabilty that he has placed on me.
i am here for a purpose, one purpose, to live as he did and serve him with everything i have.
God saved my life. and i am forever changed because of it. he can do anything. rescue is possible through him and only him and it will ALWAYS be possible.
He did. He set me free.
the past 5 months, everything has changed. and God has done so much in me and now he is doing things through me too. i never thought i had anything to offer. i thought i was worthless but i tried to do what i could for God anyways, it turns out, i did have something to offer.. my life. my story. my words. my hand to help in any way i can. a willingness to serve him. thats all that it takes.
someone saw something in me this weekend that i didnt even really see in myself. she told me that seeing me change inspired her. she says i proved to her that anything is possible, just by living. well.... obviously it wasnt me that proved that to her, but God working through me. i am nothing without him. God is using me so much and i am so amazed, so blessed, so honoured, so incredably undeserving of this great gift and great responsabilty that he has placed on me.
i am here for a purpose, one purpose, to live as he did and serve him with everything i have.
God saved my life. and i am forever changed because of it. he can do anything. rescue is possible through him and only him and it will ALWAYS be possible.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
i got what i aksed for
i prayed that if i endured through this rough patch, God would provide me with some sort of help, a place for refuge from the storm, and a chance to have some fun again. i got it.
today i am going to victoria to see Lauren, i'm so beyond stoked. im staying the night there and then we're going to camp together. lil dude is gunna be at camp :)
im so stoked.
although im starting to worry about it being my last weekend working there. my dad is very unhappy aboout what dishpit does to my skin and he keeps yelling at me and asking why i do it. he calls me "camp slave" and everytime i say that im not a slave he says "well if your not a slave, why do you work there? how could you work when you know what it will do to your hands?" grrr i wish he could just understand, camp means the world to me, its the one place that i can truly call home. so i guess im going to have to start lying to him, which kinda sucks cuz i could really see it ending badly but w,e.
im so happy right now, its amazing.
today i am going to victoria to see Lauren, i'm so beyond stoked. im staying the night there and then we're going to camp together. lil dude is gunna be at camp :)
im so stoked.
although im starting to worry about it being my last weekend working there. my dad is very unhappy aboout what dishpit does to my skin and he keeps yelling at me and asking why i do it. he calls me "camp slave" and everytime i say that im not a slave he says "well if your not a slave, why do you work there? how could you work when you know what it will do to your hands?" grrr i wish he could just understand, camp means the world to me, its the one place that i can truly call home. so i guess im going to have to start lying to him, which kinda sucks cuz i could really see it ending badly but w,e.
im so happy right now, its amazing.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
many times i dont know where to go, which way does the river flow?
okay so God definately decided to talk to me through one of my amazing cit sisters today, and i know it was God because she knew i wasnt doing so great and needed some encouragement, how else would she know? it was definately encouraging but also challenging. she said that i need to learn to totally despise the life i used to live, if i dont despise it, how can i resist it? i need to despise drugs and cigarettes and cutting and all that stupid crap i was into, but can i? what if i cant? and if i cant... does that mean i love it? i cant love it, i must love God and those things totally go against him. i need to let go of my old life and accept the fact that thats not me anymore, and embrace this new way of life i am discovering.
though right now, i'm learning through struggles, im in a state of confusion and a lot of self-doubt but it will pass.
another thing thats cool, well.. im reading this awesome book, and its helping me a lot. its about secrets and why girls tend to bottle things up so much, and how to let go and get over secrets and stuff. i've only read 2 chapters so far, in the first chapter the book asks us to write down our secrets, why we keep them, and a prayer. in the second chapter, it asks us to write a letter to a parent or someone talking about issues with home life, how it makes you feel, what you usually do instead of talking about it, and what you resolve to do instead of harming yourself. its helped me a lot although maybe i should let go of a few of those secrets, but not now.
though right now, i'm learning through struggles, im in a state of confusion and a lot of self-doubt but it will pass.
another thing thats cool, well.. im reading this awesome book, and its helping me a lot. its about secrets and why girls tend to bottle things up so much, and how to let go and get over secrets and stuff. i've only read 2 chapters so far, in the first chapter the book asks us to write down our secrets, why we keep them, and a prayer. in the second chapter, it asks us to write a letter to a parent or someone talking about issues with home life, how it makes you feel, what you usually do instead of talking about it, and what you resolve to do instead of harming yourself. its helped me a lot although maybe i should let go of a few of those secrets, but not now.
Monday, November 2, 2009
where can you run to escape from yourself?
i feel so weak. i feel so broken. i dont know what to do, i dont know where to turn to. i keep trying to reach out for help but nobodys there. is it supposed to be this hard? im scared of falling back into all the crap that used to take over my life. and im scared for the people i love who are letting it take over theirs. i was so desperate to talk to a girl that i actually tried to talk to my mom about it. pathetic. i need help. and im not going to camp until the weekend which means i have to survive another whole week of school. and i really want to cut... fuck, im so friggen weak. i hate myself for it.


Sunday, November 1, 2009
maybe i should give up?
maybe i was stupid to think that i should get out of the crap i was into before,
maybe i was mislead by thinking i could lead by example, like Jesus did
maybe i did something wrong by thinking i could be better
maybe i was ignorant by thinking there was hope.
maybe everything i just said is a lie.
maybe this is a test
maybe its just the devil trying to take me back
maybe im going to be okay
maybe God is carrying me right now
maybe there is hope for me
maybe rescue is still possible.
maybe i was mislead by thinking i could lead by example, like Jesus did
maybe i did something wrong by thinking i could be better
maybe i was ignorant by thinking there was hope.
maybe everything i just said is a lie.
maybe this is a test
maybe its just the devil trying to take me back
maybe im going to be okay
maybe God is carrying me right now
maybe there is hope for me
maybe rescue is still possible.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
rawr
if i dont talk to a female follower of God soon i will probably explode. like, actually. im actually wondering if i should skip a weekend of camp to go to victoria but that would be like 2 weeks from now cuz i might be able to skip dishpit for mens retreat but theres no way i can not go to junior high and senior high. and no girls are picking up their phones right now. so basically, im screwed for the next 2 weeks. unless i talk to Claire, which i doubt will happen... honestly, why did God make me the youngest? i would kill for an older sister closer to my age.
and i think im just going to skip church this weekend. its too complicated for me right now. so yeah..
and i think im just going to skip church this weekend. its too complicated for me right now. so yeah..
Friday, October 30, 2009
communion
so i've been at camp, then at ledger, then at camp for two weekends, and now... for the third time in the past 3 months, i can actually go to youth group and church. but of course it just so happens that its the first sunday of the month which means... the dreaded, the terrifying, the horific.. (dramatic music)... communion. okay so maybe it doesnt sound like something horific but it is to me okay, im just retarded like that.
i got to the route of my fear of communion this summer. i know exactly why im afraid of it, and its kinda not a legit fear anymore because i've changed so much.. but im still scared of it, why? this summer God basically told me "stop being so scared, i want you to take it" so i went to q-town the day they were doing communion, and then ran away at the word "communion". but i've been thinking about it a lot lately and i dont want to run away anymore, i want to take it, but im scared.
so basically... the main cause of the fear is simple. people keep saying "dont take communion unless you are in a good place with God" "if you screwed up, dont take communion" so i, realizing that im basically just a little shit-head and have no right to take part in something that special, ran away or just didnt go all together, every single time since i was like 8 and didnt know what it was. the one time i actually didnt run away and just didnt take it, "she" definately noticed. so it ended like this..
"oh, you dont believe in God"
"what????"
"if you dont take communion, you dont believe in God, its a way to show our love for him"
"you dont have a clue what it means"
and after that, i ran and hid or just didnt go, every single time.
i talked to Jim about it, and apparently i was wrong. its not about being perfect, its about realizing we're not even close to perfect, knowing how much we need him and remembering what he did for us. he said that all the times i ran away, would actually be the perfect time to take it because i was recognizing how special it actually is.
i think abother big part of it, was i was not fully living for God last year, and i felt like it was only for those people who actually live for him day to day. its kinda weird being like... wow... i guess now i'm "one of those people". but im still a little shithead. i dunno, i bet anything that on sunday i'll run away from it again, and the next time, and the next time, and the next time....
why am i still so scared of it?
i got to the route of my fear of communion this summer. i know exactly why im afraid of it, and its kinda not a legit fear anymore because i've changed so much.. but im still scared of it, why? this summer God basically told me "stop being so scared, i want you to take it" so i went to q-town the day they were doing communion, and then ran away at the word "communion". but i've been thinking about it a lot lately and i dont want to run away anymore, i want to take it, but im scared.
so basically... the main cause of the fear is simple. people keep saying "dont take communion unless you are in a good place with God" "if you screwed up, dont take communion" so i, realizing that im basically just a little shit-head and have no right to take part in something that special, ran away or just didnt go all together, every single time since i was like 8 and didnt know what it was. the one time i actually didnt run away and just didnt take it, "she" definately noticed. so it ended like this..
"oh, you dont believe in God"
"what????"
"if you dont take communion, you dont believe in God, its a way to show our love for him"
"you dont have a clue what it means"
and after that, i ran and hid or just didnt go, every single time.
i talked to Jim about it, and apparently i was wrong. its not about being perfect, its about realizing we're not even close to perfect, knowing how much we need him and remembering what he did for us. he said that all the times i ran away, would actually be the perfect time to take it because i was recognizing how special it actually is.
i think abother big part of it, was i was not fully living for God last year, and i felt like it was only for those people who actually live for him day to day. its kinda weird being like... wow... i guess now i'm "one of those people". but im still a little shithead. i dunno, i bet anything that on sunday i'll run away from it again, and the next time, and the next time, and the next time....
why am i still so scared of it?
Thursday, October 29, 2009
what is it about him?
i just cant stop smiling when i talk to him
he makes me feel like myself again.
i love him so much
he makes me feel like myself again.
i love him so much
meh..
"where the fuck have you been? you disapeared"
"yeah, i was at camp, then in victoria.. its been a while"
"so you still smoke or did they brainwash you?"
"i quit smoking"
"what about weed?"
"i quit"
"well thats pretty fucking gay"
"um... well... i dunno"
i dont know how many more of theese conversations i can handle.
"yeah, i was at camp, then in victoria.. its been a while"
"so you still smoke or did they brainwash you?"
"i quit smoking"
"what about weed?"
"i quit"
"well thats pretty fucking gay"
"um... well... i dunno"
i dont know how many more of theese conversations i can handle.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
a brighter side
so when your feeling a nearly unbearable temptation to go back to smoking and shit what is NOT a good thing to do? go somewhere that its right in front of you. so what did i do? go somewhere that it was right in front of me.
okay so what started out to be not the smartest idea turned out to be good for me. we got in a debate about God, that was definately interesting. it was surprising, hearing him defend God so much and then watching him light up a joint, and then seeing a book on "introduction to the new testament" on his floor. i found it quite contradicting but somewhat encouraging. does this make sense to anyone else?
okay so heres one of my favourite parts of today..
he lit up a smoke and asked me if i wanted some. every part of me was dying to take it, but a small voice in the back of my head said "no, think about God.." i looked at him and said "no, thanks. i quit." he said "oh, good girl" and then told me how much he missed me. haha what a sweetheart.
so.... basically.... im still going strong. why? because God is just so friggen amazing that no matter how bad things get i can not walk away from him. its weird cuz it was killing me, until i said no, and then, i didnt have a problem with it.
i think people are noticing something different about me. i wonder what they see. i wonder if theres anyone who actually beleives that i have changed and im not going to go back to the way things were. i wonder if God is proud of me.
what right do i have to be weak in faith? what right do i have to question God like i was yesturday? considering all the things he's done for me, id say i was pretty stupid and selfish yesturday. it is worth all the suffering in the world if it means that one day, i will be standing before the king. one day, i might hold the hand that holds the world.
i think i need to learn not to rely on people as much. today, it wasnt people that gave me the strength to say no, it was clearly God. and clearly, it will always be God.

ohhhh p.s i didnt cut last night :)
p.p.s i'm actually getting stuff done in school, im almost finished a unit in family studies.
okay so what started out to be not the smartest idea turned out to be good for me. we got in a debate about God, that was definately interesting. it was surprising, hearing him defend God so much and then watching him light up a joint, and then seeing a book on "introduction to the new testament" on his floor. i found it quite contradicting but somewhat encouraging. does this make sense to anyone else?
okay so heres one of my favourite parts of today..
he lit up a smoke and asked me if i wanted some. every part of me was dying to take it, but a small voice in the back of my head said "no, think about God.." i looked at him and said "no, thanks. i quit." he said "oh, good girl" and then told me how much he missed me. haha what a sweetheart.
so.... basically.... im still going strong. why? because God is just so friggen amazing that no matter how bad things get i can not walk away from him. its weird cuz it was killing me, until i said no, and then, i didnt have a problem with it.
i think people are noticing something different about me. i wonder what they see. i wonder if theres anyone who actually beleives that i have changed and im not going to go back to the way things were. i wonder if God is proud of me.
what right do i have to be weak in faith? what right do i have to question God like i was yesturday? considering all the things he's done for me, id say i was pretty stupid and selfish yesturday. it is worth all the suffering in the world if it means that one day, i will be standing before the king. one day, i might hold the hand that holds the world.
i think i need to learn not to rely on people as much. today, it wasnt people that gave me the strength to say no, it was clearly God. and clearly, it will always be God.

ohhhh p.s i didnt cut last night :)
p.p.s i'm actually getting stuff done in school, im almost finished a unit in family studies.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
trying to use strength i dont have
i am not going to cut tonight. i am not going to cut tonight. i am not going to cut tonight. i feel like the temptations and the things i am feeling right now are going to tear me apart. i dont know what to do. but i cant give in. if i give in now that would be like totally slapping God in the face, not to mention...um.... i need to be a good example right now. how can i tell others not to do it if im doing it? grrrrr..... i need weed! wtf am i saying? i want weed, i want cigarettes, i want to go out and get drunk and do stupid shit but i cant. i havent done that in 4 months and im not starting again now. i need to stay strong, but i am falling apart. and im not going to camp this weekend so its like.... shoot. im completely on my own for.... a long time. i wish i could call a random trip to vic or something but no... of course it just had to be halloween this weekend. i cant do this anymore. im not strong enough. but then again.... i cant let go. frig, why didnt i just die in april like i was supposed to, i wouldnt have to deal with this shit if id just gotten what i wanted in the first place, but i guess thats kinda stupid too cuz then.... what would have happened if i had died that night? i dont really know but sometimes i think the world be a way better place if i did. i dont really want to die tho, no danger of another attempt people, dont worry. i just... i dunno... why did they have to stop me? honestly. but i guess i should be grateful that i was given a second chance at life and i need to use it for what God wants. but its so hard and im so tired. i just want it to be over, but i guess now that i've decided not to kill myself i've got years and year of this torture left to live. maybe it will get easier in a few months... maybe i should just give up... maybe... maybe i should just talk to someone about this already. but who would i talk to? the kaleos dont know anything about me and i plan on keeping it that way, the people i usually talk to seem to not be around, and i know exactly who i really need to talk to but i dunno, i just havent been able to talk to her yet. maybe i should talk to Claire about all this but i dunno, i dont usually talk to her about this kind of stuff but then again it could be really helpful considering she can probally relate to a few things... but that would be getting attached to a kaleo again which i dont want to do, even the ones i already know, i am not going to let myself get attached to them. i am so lost right now. i think i know what i need though, i need to go to vic and see Sarah and Lauren. i think i need a girl, or maybe i dont and i just think i do because of course i dont really have any girls i can talk to who will encourage me and not be like "oh that sucks, want a smoke?" grrr im going to lose my mind.
losing faith
im starting to slip
i feel so empty
i feel so broken
i feel so weak
and every time i try to reach out for help
theres no one there
theres no hand for me to grab before i fall.
i want to cut again, but i know i shouldnt
its hard to avoid
the devil is attacking me
and he's starting to win
i dont know what to do.
lies. everything around me. and i know truth, but i seem to be losing my grip on it, believing lies yet again.
i feel so empty
i feel so broken
i feel so weak
and every time i try to reach out for help
theres no one there
theres no hand for me to grab before i fall.
i want to cut again, but i know i shouldnt
its hard to avoid
the devil is attacking me
and he's starting to win
i dont know what to do.
lies. everything around me. and i know truth, but i seem to be losing my grip on it, believing lies yet again.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
okay... so... how is this happening?
i feel like such a bitch for thinking of the new kaleo's as "the replacements" but i cant not think of them like that. its annoying. i like the new kaleos, im starting to become slightly attached to them and it scares me because i dont want to be attached to them. i want to feel absolutely nothing when they leave. and i dunno, i just want my kaleos back. i love my kaleos. i miss them so much. and having the new kaleos here only makes me miss them more.
but on the bright side, theres this one kaleo, he's so awesome and we have quite a bit in common and he's actually really easy to talk to. he's one of the few that i dont feel weird around at all. i got to ask him a question thats been bugging me for a while, he didnt really have an answer but it was cool to talk about it anyways.
it seems that i went to camp with some questions and left with a millon more. talking to someone about the world i realized, basically my whole life i've just been believing lies. i thought that now that things have changed i wouldnt believe lies anymore, but no.. i still do, just not like before. but now i realize, they are lies, so then... what is the truth, really?
honestly, i just need... something.... i dont even know anymore... i need.... for that stupid devil to stop attacking me already, geez. i mean, why doesnt satan realize when God has won a battle and just leave it at that. i wish i could punch satan in the face. but i cant, so, i'll just keep holding on as best as i can. im stronger now, i can handle it, i know God is big, therefore, my problems dont matter because my God can conquer anything. therefore, all i need to do is hold on to him.
but on the bright side, theres this one kaleo, he's so awesome and we have quite a bit in common and he's actually really easy to talk to. he's one of the few that i dont feel weird around at all. i got to ask him a question thats been bugging me for a while, he didnt really have an answer but it was cool to talk about it anyways.
it seems that i went to camp with some questions and left with a millon more. talking to someone about the world i realized, basically my whole life i've just been believing lies. i thought that now that things have changed i wouldnt believe lies anymore, but no.. i still do, just not like before. but now i realize, they are lies, so then... what is the truth, really?
honestly, i just need... something.... i dont even know anymore... i need.... for that stupid devil to stop attacking me already, geez. i mean, why doesnt satan realize when God has won a battle and just leave it at that. i wish i could punch satan in the face. but i cant, so, i'll just keep holding on as best as i can. im stronger now, i can handle it, i know God is big, therefore, my problems dont matter because my God can conquer anything. therefore, all i need to do is hold on to him.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
is this even real?
okay so theres been a lot of changes in the past few months, its definately a lot to take in all at once. i know that i am becoming a strong follower but am i strong enough have 3 amazing and special people under my wing while i have no one to take me under theirs. am i really alone in this? cant i just have one person to support me this year? but no of course, no one cares. and the people who do, cant do anything about it anyways cuz there not here. i wish i had my kaleos back. yes- my kaleos. im sick of trying to get to know the replacements. i just want my kaleos back, i just want the summer back, i just dont want to be alone anymore. and of course, thinking about it is making me upset, i must be strong, for their sake. its a scary thing though, when someone tells you that you are their role-model, i've gotta wonder, am i good enough? well i've got to be. i must be a good example, i must be strong, even if im completely alone now, i cant let it break me.
another worry... i have 4 people that want me to take them to youth group/church next weekend. its the first sunday of the month. that means communion. i dont understand why im still so afraid of it.
my head is spinning so much lately. i tried to talk about it, but i havent really been able to, but at least i got to talk to JimBad a bit, that was helpful.
i really want to cut right now, but if i do, how could i tell her not to cut? why cant i just give up?
i need to talk to someone.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me and im feeling good.
i did it!
he passed me a joint
i said i quit
and nobody bugged me about it.
i had a great time
i left without smoking or getting drunk or anything.
it was friggen hard
i was surrounded by the smell of weed and cigarettes, which usually make me cave right away, but no. 4 months and 10 days and still counting.
did i mention God is friggen amazing and way more powerful than um... anything!
im going the opposite way :)
he passed me a joint
i said i quit
and nobody bugged me about it.
i had a great time
i left without smoking or getting drunk or anything.
it was friggen hard
i was surrounded by the smell of weed and cigarettes, which usually make me cave right away, but no. 4 months and 10 days and still counting.
did i mention God is friggen amazing and way more powerful than um... anything!
im going the opposite way :)
Monday, October 19, 2009
one of the sweetest things i didnt remember
i was looking through some old papers and stuff and i found a random doodle of mine, but i dont remember doing it. all around the edges of the paper i wrote things like "anger, depression, lonely, drugs, alcohol, parties, cutting, suicide, darkness, lost,"etc etc. then there was a circle, in the middle of the circle there was a cross with a heart behind it. around the cross and inside the circle i had written words like "light, good, safe, loved, hope," etc etc.
i just thought it was cool, its weird how i totally forgot about it tho. its actually quite random. i wonder what i was thinking about when i made it.
i just thought it was cool, its weird how i totally forgot about it tho. its actually quite random. i wonder what i was thinking about when i made it.
some quality God-time
so i woke up this morning and covered my eyes groaning about how bright it was, and tryed to go back to sleep. then suddenly jumped out of bed to see that it was actually.... sunny! what a miracle. it was as surprising to me as the first snow fall of the year, the magic of waking up to see the whole world covered in a white blanket of snow. thats what it felt like to wake up to the sun shining.
so i gathered some notebooks, my book of old writing, and Jonny Mo's book and heading outside to get a good dosage of vitamin d. a millon things went through my mind while i was out there. i really needed that. praise Jesus for days like today :) it is gray and cloudy right now but i dont really care because i am not going to let the weather bring me down (although the weather is a great pick-me-up when its sunny)
i came across my bucketlist (a list of things to do before you die) i added something and i actually got to cross something off. how great is that?
i came to the decision that everyone should have a little bag of skills to help with depression and times of confusion, i have a rather big bag of little tricks now, and it is making all the difference..
if any of you are in need of some tricks.. ill name just a few
- pray- duh
-read luke 15
- flip through the psalms, stop on any page, read it!
- read the chapter on seizing the day in Jonny Mo's book
- listen to really upbeat music and colour a picure or draw or something
- look at your walls, if there are picures of girls in bikini's- rip them off your wall- its really satisfying.
-redorate your room, get rid of junk, etc etc
- put a giant peice of paper on your wall, get all the art supplys you have and go crazy.
- write down sweet verses and put them around your room
- put 1 peter 3:3 on your mirror
-write
-if all else fails... go outside and smash things
-mash potatoes, bananas, whatever, or pound meat (this helped before i was a veg-head)
-wear a bright colour
-help someone
-cheak out God's love letter
these are just off the top of my head so if you want the full list (so far) i'm working on it, let me know if you want it.
so i gathered some notebooks, my book of old writing, and Jonny Mo's book and heading outside to get a good dosage of vitamin d. a millon things went through my mind while i was out there. i really needed that. praise Jesus for days like today :) it is gray and cloudy right now but i dont really care because i am not going to let the weather bring me down (although the weather is a great pick-me-up when its sunny)
i came across my bucketlist (a list of things to do before you die) i added something and i actually got to cross something off. how great is that?
i came to the decision that everyone should have a little bag of skills to help with depression and times of confusion, i have a rather big bag of little tricks now, and it is making all the difference..
if any of you are in need of some tricks.. ill name just a few
- pray- duh
-read luke 15
- flip through the psalms, stop on any page, read it!
- read the chapter on seizing the day in Jonny Mo's book
- listen to really upbeat music and colour a picure or draw or something
- look at your walls, if there are picures of girls in bikini's- rip them off your wall- its really satisfying.
-redorate your room, get rid of junk, etc etc
- put a giant peice of paper on your wall, get all the art supplys you have and go crazy.
- write down sweet verses and put them around your room
- put 1 peter 3:3 on your mirror
-write
-if all else fails... go outside and smash things
-mash potatoes, bananas, whatever, or pound meat (this helped before i was a veg-head)
-wear a bright colour
-help someone
-cheak out God's love letter
these are just off the top of my head so if you want the full list (so far) i'm working on it, let me know if you want it.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
the most beautiful person i know
she is my inspiration. i love her so much. with all of the things she is going through right now. raising 4 kids on her own because her husband chose drugs instead, yet she is constantly praising God and telling me about how much he is helping her through this. she is so strong, so amazing, such a beautiful person. i wish i could be more like her.
she see's something in me that i dont see. she seems to look straight into my soul. i hope i can be more obediant to God, more deep and secure in my faith, more of the kind of beautiful person that she is. if i can be half as strong as her, i will live the rest of my life with a smile on my face because she blows my mind every time i talk to her. what a blessing it is to know her. God shines through her. i wish i could be more like that.
she see's something in me that i dont see. she seems to look straight into my soul. i hope i can be more obediant to God, more deep and secure in my faith, more of the kind of beautiful person that she is. if i can be half as strong as her, i will live the rest of my life with a smile on my face because she blows my mind every time i talk to her. what a blessing it is to know her. God shines through her. i wish i could be more like that.
i wonder..
why did Jesus say that it would be better to jump in a lake with a millstone around your neck than cause children to stray from him when he knew it would unrightfully cause my aunty to almost drown?
why would my grandma try to drown her daughter because of a cd with "questionable" lyrics?
why did he make my momma and my aunts and uncles have to deal with all of the terrible things she did and think that thats what "religion" is about?
why did he let that happen?
and at the same time, im amazed at how much he protected them through their childhood.
why would my grandma try to drown her daughter because of a cd with "questionable" lyrics?
why did he make my momma and my aunts and uncles have to deal with all of the terrible things she did and think that thats what "religion" is about?
why did he let that happen?
and at the same time, im amazed at how much he protected them through their childhood.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
um... God def answers prayers.
so i was praying and wishing i had somebody to talk to when suddenly the door opens, Claire walks in. we talked about a few of my stresses and my dilemma with church. i feel a lot better now. i think i've made my decision too. after talking to Jeremy (who by the way, looks a lot like one of my brothers) i thought maybe i might go to new life or some other church in duncan . i could go to new life, bethel, north cowichan alliance, or st. andrews. i dont know anything about st.andrews, bethel doesnt sound like the right place for me, i didnt think much about north cowichan alliance until i met someone who goes there and i figure it would suck if after january i never saw him again, and new life sounds really awesome. so i dunno. but i do know i'm gunna pick one of them.
so yeah, i was thinking id head up to the a-frame to study (thats where im staying- how cool is that) when suddenly i thought of jonathan and how he used to go to the library all the time, so i went there and a guy was there so we talked a bit and i feel a lot more comfortable now, and i think i was definately wrong about the new kaleos, they are awesome people. this new guy is really cool but then he told me that he lives in alberta, just like jon, he was in the library, just like jon, and he's in room 211, just like jon. so yeah... thats pretty weird. i guess i just need to give these kaleos more of a chance instead of thinking of them as the replacements.
anyways, i got the energy boost i needed. so hopefully that will last at least until next weekend for juniors retreat.
... i dont even know...
um... so im at qwanoes right now, which is good. but its kinda weird too. the summer is over and the only people that are here this weekend are the new kaleos and the year-round staff. i find myself feeling as if qwanoes is dead- or a better word- hybernation. its so different. however, i am glad im here for a few different reasons
1. my friends are getting quite annoyed with my lack of being around. i havent even seen them since like... june 12th or something like that. and they dont know about all the things that have happened since then. im worried about going back to school, it will be the start of a majorly tough year. i still have to tell my friends that im not doing any drugs anymore, or anything illegal in general is a bad idea... once i tell them that,what will they do? what will they say? will they still be my friends? grrr its such a tough thing to tell them and they know im back now so if i was at home id probally be with them right now.
2. by being here, i get to meet some of the new kaleos. they seem pretty cool. i'm talking to a few of the kaleos that go to duncan youth groups and hopefully that will help me with the decision i need to make about church. i must say- they sure have a way of making you feel welcome. maybe i was wrong about them, i dunno.
3. by being here, i can hopefully learn something, and also, im getting a lot of good insight on what i should do regarding church. so thats cool.
in general though... im feeling a lot more self conscious than usual, and i seem to be trying to ignore my problems without knowing that im trying to ignore my problems because i know i shouldnt but i am. does that make sense?
tommorrow as soon as i get off work im going on "mission impossible" with my mom and my brother...
step 1: tea or something with grandpa, drop him off, and then try to act like we didnt see him
step 2: speed shopping
step 3: dinner with Grandma while trying to pretend that A) we were no where near Grampa and B) i was not just at a phyc ward for a month C) i didnt fail grade 10 D) im already back in school and doing very well
this could end in disaster.
and honestly, i should be so grateful that i just got a bunch of new stuff and im getting more tomorrow right? i want it all gone, i hate it. why? because as soon as i get something nice and then my mom gets in a bad mood suddenly im selfish, greedy lil brat, nothing is ever "enough". honestly, i would rather have nothing than have her say that about me. i dont want anything anyways. im so sick of her saying that about me. do i really seem like im that kind of person? i wish i could just get rid of everything but that would just make her more mad. isnt there anything i could do that wouldnt end in getting shit from my parents?
Friday, October 16, 2009
woah.
so i woke up this morning thinking about some stuff and then all in the sudden it hit me.. i made it. i lived to my 16th birthday, i was planning to be long dead by now but im not and im so glad. i lived to see the day i never thought would come. i almost didnt make it, but God wouldnt let that happen. ultimately he is in control of my life and im so glad he is cuz my life is always a disaster when i try to control it. its a weird thought though. sometimes i wonder what would have happened if i had died that night. thinking of all the things that would have never happened, all the lessons i would have never learned, all the accomplishments i would have never made, its kinda scary. but now its only a painful memory, thats not who i am anymore and i dont plan on ever messing around with death again until God decides my time is up. its another weird thought though, because now i have a future. in grade 8 i decided id be dead before reaching 16 but now i have so much time, so many years ahead of me, its like a whole new veiw, an entire life ahead of me, what am i going to do with it? only God knows.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
im okay. just a rough patch.
so i didnt really do anything too special for my birthday but this is pretty much how it went down..
my parents gave me an ipod, very cool.
i got like 80 bucks
and i dont really care too much about it because the thing that meant the most to me was the simple card that my brother gave me. it had a verse in it. for those that have heard about my brother, imagine my surprise when he gives me this sweet little card with a sweet verse in it. he doesnt understand why it means so much to me, but he pays attention enough to know that it does. how amazing is he?
another thing that meant the world to me... i got a bunch of my cit's wishing me happy birthday and reminding me that they havent forgotten me and still care about me a lot. i miss them so much. if only we could organize some sort of cit reunion soon because i am for sure in need of it.
also, i got to talk to a good friend of mine on the phone (for like 2 hours) and i realized, i am okay. i mean, im exhausted, but im okay. and i thought about all the times i used to go through times like this and id get so depressed and overwhelmed and therefore i would turn to things like cutting and getting stoned and shit and now... i dont. i am different now. i havent done any drugs in 4 months, i havent cut in a really really long time and i am actually doing okay. so i decided, i am going to make the best of my situation, and i actually have more ways of escape than i thought.
i also decided that i need to go to youth group in duncan. its hard because i feel like im betraying the kids stuck at the lc youth group but i need to help myself as well and the lc youth group is simply not going to help me. so i am going to search for a new youth group and church in duncan. i have it well planned out except for one thing- where would i go? i might try new life but it seems so.... big.... and the only other church in duncan that i know of is one that one of the kaleos goes to and i dont really know anything about it i just know the name and the fact that it exsists. so i dunno, i'll try new life and if that doesnt work i'll ask around and see whats best. its weird to think i could actually go to a good youth group.
my parents gave me an ipod, very cool.
i got like 80 bucks
and i dont really care too much about it because the thing that meant the most to me was the simple card that my brother gave me. it had a verse in it. for those that have heard about my brother, imagine my surprise when he gives me this sweet little card with a sweet verse in it. he doesnt understand why it means so much to me, but he pays attention enough to know that it does. how amazing is he?
another thing that meant the world to me... i got a bunch of my cit's wishing me happy birthday and reminding me that they havent forgotten me and still care about me a lot. i miss them so much. if only we could organize some sort of cit reunion soon because i am for sure in need of it.
also, i got to talk to a good friend of mine on the phone (for like 2 hours) and i realized, i am okay. i mean, im exhausted, but im okay. and i thought about all the times i used to go through times like this and id get so depressed and overwhelmed and therefore i would turn to things like cutting and getting stoned and shit and now... i dont. i am different now. i havent done any drugs in 4 months, i havent cut in a really really long time and i am actually doing okay. so i decided, i am going to make the best of my situation, and i actually have more ways of escape than i thought.
i also decided that i need to go to youth group in duncan. its hard because i feel like im betraying the kids stuck at the lc youth group but i need to help myself as well and the lc youth group is simply not going to help me. so i am going to search for a new youth group and church in duncan. i have it well planned out except for one thing- where would i go? i might try new life but it seems so.... big.... and the only other church in duncan that i know of is one that one of the kaleos goes to and i dont really know anything about it i just know the name and the fact that it exsists. so i dunno, i'll try new life and if that doesnt work i'll ask around and see whats best. its weird to think i could actually go to a good youth group.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
changed my mind
i want to talk to someone about this, i need to talk to someone about this, its too much for me to handle, but there is no one to talk to. i am alone.
Monday, October 12, 2009
im done.
im done trying to talk about my problems. im done with blogging. i think i need to keep it to myself for now. but at the same time, i've been home for like 3 days and i feel like if i dont talk to someone now i might do something i'll regret.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
ahhhh
"she looks up to you, you know.."
am i a good enough person to look up to? i have such an important role now being back here, i have to be careful, i need to strive to be more Christ-like in everything i do. its a burden and a blessing that he has placed on me and i am amazed that he would pick me so that he could work through me, what a blessing. and its such a miracle, she's going to youth group and asking questions and i am so friggen proud of her.
the thing im working at the most right now, is getting rid of old idols and stuff i need to let go of, its all in the past now. i am striving to become more of the person God want me to be. please pray for me.
am i a good enough person to look up to? i have such an important role now being back here, i have to be careful, i need to strive to be more Christ-like in everything i do. its a burden and a blessing that he has placed on me and i am amazed that he would pick me so that he could work through me, what a blessing. and its such a miracle, she's going to youth group and asking questions and i am so friggen proud of her.
the thing im working at the most right now, is getting rid of old idols and stuff i need to let go of, its all in the past now. i am striving to become more of the person God want me to be. please pray for me.
nonverbal learning disability.
if i havent said yet,
when i was a kid i was diagnosed with two things that are going to stay with me for my entire life and it sucks, a diseased thyroid and a "nonverbal learning disability". for my entire life these things will stay with me. the thyroid thing isnt so bad unless i forget to take my medication but it does mean i need to get blood work done every 3 months and if a problem comes up then i have to get it done a lot more often i had to get it done daily for some reason i had to get it done twice this month so im kinda worried, anyways... i got neurophycoligical testing done while i was at ledger and the results say basically the same thing only now we know more what it is. i'll tell you one thing... i dont like it. but its part of me and its something i will always have to deal with. it explains a lot, much as i hate to admit it. so due to my learning disability and the fact that school has been one of my biggest struggles since grade 7 when i started barely passing, last year i passed one subject. only one, and im getting credit for p.e so i guess thats 2 subjects. other than that i suffered, my teachers suffered, my parents suffered, nobody benefited from me being in school. therefore there are many different theories on how to help me with it.
theory #1
the people at ledger think it would be best if i just stop going to school all together for a while. pros.. dad cannot possibly be on my case about school all the time if im not in school, he'd have to shut up, and if he would shut up then thats 75% of all my stress gone. cons.. how the heck would i graduate? what would i do? how would i get a job? i dont want to be a drop out.
theory #2
Mrs. Taylor thinks it would be best if i just did one subject at a time for all the ones i failed, meaning i'd graduate a year later. pros... less work, still get to go to school, see friends, less stress, etc ect. cons.... i'd graduate a year later, id have too much time to kill in lc because the stupid buses run one every 3 or 4 hours on the new scheduale.. meaning i'd go to class and then have to kill 2 hours in lc every day, to which id be going to the same place, tempted with the same things, and most likely fall flat on my face.
theory #3
my mom sujested one subject at a time in... um... homeschool.
sure as god made little green apples i am NOT under any circumstances doing homeschool. im not even going to bother with the pros and cons cuz i could list a million reasons why it would be a terrible decision. sooooo not doing it. im shocked that she would even suggest it.
so something i've been thinking about a lot lately, this stupid learning disability is defining my life for me. thats not right. im so sick of people telling me that i can't do it. and yet when i try to prove them all wrong i fail and feel worse. i hate it when they say i cant do it but i guess they are right. i cant do it. i dont know what to do. i want to just give up but then where would that leave me? i want to try harder but i'll probally just fail as always, i'm out of options. who is in control of my life? what can i do? i dont know anything anymore. depression is sneaking up on me and i'm scared. i cant handle this, or can i? maybe i can i dont know. im trying to stay focused on what i know to be true but it seems im in a battle between the old me and the person that God wants me to be, that i want to be. i feel so torn. do i give up? do i keep fighting? what am i even fighting for? i dont even know..
when i was a kid i was diagnosed with two things that are going to stay with me for my entire life and it sucks, a diseased thyroid and a "nonverbal learning disability". for my entire life these things will stay with me. the thyroid thing isnt so bad unless i forget to take my medication but it does mean i need to get blood work done every 3 months and if a problem comes up then i have to get it done a lot more often i had to get it done daily for some reason i had to get it done twice this month so im kinda worried, anyways... i got neurophycoligical testing done while i was at ledger and the results say basically the same thing only now we know more what it is. i'll tell you one thing... i dont like it. but its part of me and its something i will always have to deal with. it explains a lot, much as i hate to admit it. so due to my learning disability and the fact that school has been one of my biggest struggles since grade 7 when i started barely passing, last year i passed one subject. only one, and im getting credit for p.e so i guess thats 2 subjects. other than that i suffered, my teachers suffered, my parents suffered, nobody benefited from me being in school. therefore there are many different theories on how to help me with it.
theory #1
the people at ledger think it would be best if i just stop going to school all together for a while. pros.. dad cannot possibly be on my case about school all the time if im not in school, he'd have to shut up, and if he would shut up then thats 75% of all my stress gone. cons.. how the heck would i graduate? what would i do? how would i get a job? i dont want to be a drop out.
theory #2
Mrs. Taylor thinks it would be best if i just did one subject at a time for all the ones i failed, meaning i'd graduate a year later. pros... less work, still get to go to school, see friends, less stress, etc ect. cons.... i'd graduate a year later, id have too much time to kill in lc because the stupid buses run one every 3 or 4 hours on the new scheduale.. meaning i'd go to class and then have to kill 2 hours in lc every day, to which id be going to the same place, tempted with the same things, and most likely fall flat on my face.
theory #3
my mom sujested one subject at a time in... um... homeschool.
sure as god made little green apples i am NOT under any circumstances doing homeschool. im not even going to bother with the pros and cons cuz i could list a million reasons why it would be a terrible decision. sooooo not doing it. im shocked that she would even suggest it.
so something i've been thinking about a lot lately, this stupid learning disability is defining my life for me. thats not right. im so sick of people telling me that i can't do it. and yet when i try to prove them all wrong i fail and feel worse. i hate it when they say i cant do it but i guess they are right. i cant do it. i dont know what to do. i want to just give up but then where would that leave me? i want to try harder but i'll probally just fail as always, i'm out of options. who is in control of my life? what can i do? i dont know anything anymore. depression is sneaking up on me and i'm scared. i cant handle this, or can i? maybe i can i dont know. im trying to stay focused on what i know to be true but it seems im in a battle between the old me and the person that God wants me to be, that i want to be. i feel so torn. do i give up? do i keep fighting? what am i even fighting for? i dont even know..
Friday, October 9, 2009
lessons learned.
so i am now in ubo, back at my parents house which i plan on living in for a while now, no more moving around all the time, okay well... maybe.
so being at ledger for a month has been a very weird, difficult, interesting, and growing experiance for me. theres a lot of things and changes i went through at ledger.
it all boils down to one thing
i found out who i really am.
and i discovered a new side of myself
a new voice calling out
its my chance to be heard
i cant wait to see whats next.
so being at ledger for a month has been a very weird, difficult, interesting, and growing experiance for me. theres a lot of things and changes i went through at ledger.
it all boils down to one thing
i found out who i really am.
and i discovered a new side of myself
a new voice calling out
its my chance to be heard
i cant wait to see whats next.
Monday, October 5, 2009
time to move on
Bryan leaves thursday
i leave Friday
Justin leaves next week.
goodbye ledger.
and honestly, i'm going to miss it.
i leave Friday
Justin leaves next week.
goodbye ledger.
and honestly, i'm going to miss it.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
personality tests
my mom said i have a "personality disorder" causing me to thrive on writing to the point that i will actually go insane if i go too long without writing something. we did something really fun today and now i have all the phyc's confused as to how i can come up with a good story in 2 seconds and it flows just right. they're analyzing my brain some more. im afraid. im afraid they will put me on another pill like concerta. if they do, i will be a zombie again. i hate being a zombie. i wonder if i could fake the tests, pertend to be normal, but then i wouldnt be me. but i also feel kinda special, one of the phyc's told me i'm talented :) but im so scared theyre gunna try to drug me. i dunno, its weird.
weird....
as of tomorrow i will no longer be the only girl at ledger. i will also no longer be the oldest at ledger. my role is changing. its weird having a new girl show up. the entire atmosphere of ledger is changing. things are just like they were when i first got here, and then tommorrow it will go completely upside down. i dont approve.
also, i found out today that i will also be doing the narophyc testing while im here. which means my time here is being extended by 3 days
also, i found out today that i will also be doing the narophyc testing while im here. which means my time here is being extended by 3 days
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
i hope i never go back. i wish i could just stay here.
i like ledger.
but today was really depressing.
first i found out that my self-esteem is actually way lower than normal- as in 93% of girls my age have higher self-esteem than i do. only 7% of girls my age are more insecure than i am. scary.
then i had a session with one of the phyc's and they suggested family therepy, and then when i was freaked out she asked me why and for the first time i actually told a professional how i really feel. and i wasnt afraid. it felt good to finally let it out. i've never even told anyone that much about my family. it was a real breakthrough, but it left me feeling pretty emotional. i'm slowly starting to get over my fear of professionals but there is still no way in hell that i'm going to counseling when i get back.
one of the boys is leaving tommorrow. its weird, when he leaves it will be exactly like it was when i first got here. just the 3 of us. then next week another one of us is leaving and then it will just be me and Bryan, and then our time will be up in no time. weird, its almost over, and have i even made the most of the time that i've had here? did i make a good impression on the guys? i sure hope so.
p.s sleeping pills are officially the best invention known to man! i feel so much better now.
and... i turn 16 in 16 days :)
and road tour is on saturday and i couldnt be more stoked.
grrrrrrr. but there is a millon things on my mind and its really confusing and stressful. and theres this one question thats really bugging me..... grrrr......... where are Sheri and Tyler when you need them. i miss c.i.t sooooooo much.
but today was really depressing.
first i found out that my self-esteem is actually way lower than normal- as in 93% of girls my age have higher self-esteem than i do. only 7% of girls my age are more insecure than i am. scary.
then i had a session with one of the phyc's and they suggested family therepy, and then when i was freaked out she asked me why and for the first time i actually told a professional how i really feel. and i wasnt afraid. it felt good to finally let it out. i've never even told anyone that much about my family. it was a real breakthrough, but it left me feeling pretty emotional. i'm slowly starting to get over my fear of professionals but there is still no way in hell that i'm going to counseling when i get back.
one of the boys is leaving tommorrow. its weird, when he leaves it will be exactly like it was when i first got here. just the 3 of us. then next week another one of us is leaving and then it will just be me and Bryan, and then our time will be up in no time. weird, its almost over, and have i even made the most of the time that i've had here? did i make a good impression on the guys? i sure hope so.
p.s sleeping pills are officially the best invention known to man! i feel so much better now.
and... i turn 16 in 16 days :)
and road tour is on saturday and i couldnt be more stoked.
grrrrrrr. but there is a millon things on my mind and its really confusing and stressful. and theres this one question thats really bugging me..... grrrr......... where are Sheri and Tyler when you need them. i miss c.i.t sooooooo much.
Monday, September 28, 2009
im glad im gone.
and for a second, i actually thought i misssed it. ha! i'd rather die and rot here at ledger than go back with my parents. i hate him! i fucking hate him!
Saturday, September 26, 2009
opiphany- sudden realization of great truth

as we were lying in the sun and looking out at the water and talking all about ledger she mentioned.. him. i try not to think about him. it upsets me more than people know. i'll never forget it. i can still replay it in my mind over and over again, every time. its weird talking to her about him because we dont talk about problems. she told me that she remembered the bruises. she asked how it started, she didnt understand why i feel so bad about it. i explained to her that it wasnt what he did it was the fact that i was so scared that i just stopped saying no. she said that its very common. she asked if i had wanted them to something, i said no. i didnt tell her this but i kinda wish i had, i wish she hadnt replyed the way she did when i told her. "its basic biology, you gave him what he wanted" will haunt me forever. i hate those words. she told me that i just need to forgive myself, once i can do that, i will be okay, i can let go. but its not just him, its everything. if i could learn to forgive myself, i could let go of everything, i could finally move on, all i need to do is forgive myself. but i never will. i will be long dead and never ever forgive myself, which is why i cant let go. i will not forgive myself. hence why i get so depressed, hence why i tried to kill myself, hence why i've done so many things, i can not forgive myself.
in they're mind, i've died.
i went to my school to pick up some work today, everyone that saw me looked like they had seen a ghost or something, it was weird. it was as if everybody thought i died. when we drove past Koal on his bike he was staring at me so much that he ended up turning to the middle of the road, stopping and staring at me as if i was resurrected from the dead or something, it was crazy.
i really want to get into the claremont review, they have an annual contest, and i think i'm going to enter it. the due date is march 15th. and if i win i will feel like such a success, but why do i put so much empathesis and worth into one contest that can only have 3 winners out of all kids between 13 and 19 throughout canada that entire, and its thousands, maybe even millons. its as if im worth nothing if i dont win, but the chances of me winning are soooooo low, its nearly impossible. but what a dream come true that would be. maybe someone would read it and offer me a job in writting. now that would be a dream come true, but i should get realistic, i mean really, how could i possibly win something like that? i'm simply not good enough. grrrrrrrr but why? what makes me not good enough? why do i think i cant do it? why dont i have more confidence in myelf? why the heck would i have confidence? what reason do i have to think that i could write something so good that i could win something like that, its ridiculous. i shouldnt even try. but if i dont try that would be even worse than failing. i have to give it a shot, but what if i dont get it? i guess i could try again next year... i've gotta do it. this is my big chance. if only i was a better writter...
i miss my kaleos!!! and i really wonder why none of the new kaleos are going to my youth group this year, its kinda retarded. i wish my kaleos were back, i bet the new kaleos are nothing like them. i bet the new kaleos are gunna be complete strangers to me, i bet the new kaleos are gunna hate me for working so many retreats, i bet the new kaleos want nothing to do with anyone. what is with me and the new kaleos? grrrrr they're probally really nice people and i'll probally instantly regret the things i've thought about them as soon as i meet them, but to me theyre just like a broken lifeline, they could have saved me from so much this year but for whatever reason that didnt work out, which is not theyre fault at all but grrrrr. why cant we just have the old kaleos back? i miss them so much...
she clearly has it out for me. i wonder if she's bi-polar......
i really want to get into the claremont review, they have an annual contest, and i think i'm going to enter it. the due date is march 15th. and if i win i will feel like such a success, but why do i put so much empathesis and worth into one contest that can only have 3 winners out of all kids between 13 and 19 throughout canada that entire, and its thousands, maybe even millons. its as if im worth nothing if i dont win, but the chances of me winning are soooooo low, its nearly impossible. but what a dream come true that would be. maybe someone would read it and offer me a job in writting. now that would be a dream come true, but i should get realistic, i mean really, how could i possibly win something like that? i'm simply not good enough. grrrrrrrr but why? what makes me not good enough? why do i think i cant do it? why dont i have more confidence in myelf? why the heck would i have confidence? what reason do i have to think that i could write something so good that i could win something like that, its ridiculous. i shouldnt even try. but if i dont try that would be even worse than failing. i have to give it a shot, but what if i dont get it? i guess i could try again next year... i've gotta do it. this is my big chance. if only i was a better writter...
i miss my kaleos!!! and i really wonder why none of the new kaleos are going to my youth group this year, its kinda retarded. i wish my kaleos were back, i bet the new kaleos are nothing like them. i bet the new kaleos are gunna be complete strangers to me, i bet the new kaleos are gunna hate me for working so many retreats, i bet the new kaleos want nothing to do with anyone. what is with me and the new kaleos? grrrrr they're probally really nice people and i'll probally instantly regret the things i've thought about them as soon as i meet them, but to me theyre just like a broken lifeline, they could have saved me from so much this year but for whatever reason that didnt work out, which is not theyre fault at all but grrrrr. why cant we just have the old kaleos back? i miss them so much...
she clearly has it out for me. i wonder if she's bi-polar......
Thursday, September 24, 2009
random thoughts
- i'm finally a level 5!!
- turning 16 in 21 days and cant wait to get my L
- one of the kids is getting "discharged" this weekend, meaning he's leaving ledger, for good. and he was the second oldest and sometimes helped calm things down, now its all up to me to be the "peace-maker"
- i feel like a little kid who watches in horror as 'santa claus' takes his beard off. i dont know what to do, this confuses me a lot. but i'll get over it i'm sure..
- i just want to give up on everything. but no matter how much a part of me says "just forget it and give up, go back to your old life" i will not do it. i cant do it. i am not the same person i used to be.
- i'm depressed.
- do i like him? he's been my friend for so long, could we really be more? or do i just like him because he likes me? why the heck does he like me? thats so weird. honestly, what is up with me and guys these days? if i start going out with him that'll be my 3rd fling since april. im not like that, why is this happening? i dont understand.
-mom is awesome
- i am so confused with life right now
- i havent gotten anything published since grade 8 and i havent written something in soooo long, i need to start writting again. i want to get another one published, but this time i'm going bigger, no more 'Polar Expressions' i'm thinking.... i'm gunna try to get published in the Clarmont Reveiw, then i'll know for sure that i'm a decent writter. pray for me, i'd feel accomplished for life if i could get something published in the Claremont Review, it would be such a dream come true.
- road tour soon! so stoked.
-if only Jonathan was here..
- turning 16 in 21 days and cant wait to get my L
- one of the kids is getting "discharged" this weekend, meaning he's leaving ledger, for good. and he was the second oldest and sometimes helped calm things down, now its all up to me to be the "peace-maker"
- i feel like a little kid who watches in horror as 'santa claus' takes his beard off. i dont know what to do, this confuses me a lot. but i'll get over it i'm sure..
- i just want to give up on everything. but no matter how much a part of me says "just forget it and give up, go back to your old life" i will not do it. i cant do it. i am not the same person i used to be.
- i'm depressed.
- do i like him? he's been my friend for so long, could we really be more? or do i just like him because he likes me? why the heck does he like me? thats so weird. honestly, what is up with me and guys these days? if i start going out with him that'll be my 3rd fling since april. im not like that, why is this happening? i dont understand.
-mom is awesome
- i am so confused with life right now
- i havent gotten anything published since grade 8 and i havent written something in soooo long, i need to start writting again. i want to get another one published, but this time i'm going bigger, no more 'Polar Expressions' i'm thinking.... i'm gunna try to get published in the Clarmont Reveiw, then i'll know for sure that i'm a decent writter. pray for me, i'd feel accomplished for life if i could get something published in the Claremont Review, it would be such a dream come true.
- road tour soon! so stoked.
-if only Jonathan was here..
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
yeah, level 4 and a half
okay so quick update
same stuff with the constant drama only it seems to be growing.
i'm getting really sick of Bryan and Nick trying to kill each other.
my birthday is soon and i cant wait to get my L.
i'm working for womens retreat and junior retreat 95% sure.
road tour soon, so stoked.
finally allowed to go to church
really depressed today but God is good and i got over it.
no kaleos at my youth group, i think thats more depressing than ever, how the heck am i gunna survive when i get back if i have no other christians younger than 80 years old? i mean sure i was wanting to push them away at first but geez-i didnt mean it. this sucks, how could God let this happen? why would he make us go through it alone for a whole year, i cant do everything, i'm no superhero, im nothing. really nothing. i'm trying to support everyone but if its only Tara and I trying to support everyone while we need to also grow in ourselves how will the kids get the support they really need? what if we're not strong enough to do it on our own. we need some help, if only someone actually gave a damn about lc but of course no one did. and i thought of all people JimBad would know that we needed them more than ever this year, but instead we are getting no support at all. and i need support but now it feels like i'm gunna be needed in lc and wont be able to get out for support of my own. and the new kaleos..... i'll never know them.
life really sucks, sometimes i wonder if it would be better if i just didnt exsist, but i know that i shouldnt say that because God has given me great opourtunities and many blessings, i refuse to give up now.
i need help.
same stuff with the constant drama only it seems to be growing.
i'm getting really sick of Bryan and Nick trying to kill each other.
my birthday is soon and i cant wait to get my L.
i'm working for womens retreat and junior retreat 95% sure.
road tour soon, so stoked.
finally allowed to go to church
really depressed today but God is good and i got over it.
no kaleos at my youth group, i think thats more depressing than ever, how the heck am i gunna survive when i get back if i have no other christians younger than 80 years old? i mean sure i was wanting to push them away at first but geez-i didnt mean it. this sucks, how could God let this happen? why would he make us go through it alone for a whole year, i cant do everything, i'm no superhero, im nothing. really nothing. i'm trying to support everyone but if its only Tara and I trying to support everyone while we need to also grow in ourselves how will the kids get the support they really need? what if we're not strong enough to do it on our own. we need some help, if only someone actually gave a damn about lc but of course no one did. and i thought of all people JimBad would know that we needed them more than ever this year, but instead we are getting no support at all. and i need support but now it feels like i'm gunna be needed in lc and wont be able to get out for support of my own. and the new kaleos..... i'll never know them.
life really sucks, sometimes i wonder if it would be better if i just didnt exsist, but i know that i shouldnt say that because God has given me great opourtunities and many blessings, i refuse to give up now.
i need help.
Friday, September 18, 2009
just call me big sister :)
okay so this is how its been...
actually okay.
the guys are just like little brothers to me. i love them so much. we've had some really sweet group times and until wensday we were sorting through all our difficulties amazingly well. but then a new kid came whop happens to be particularly difficult and all hell broke loose. every night i find myself sooo sick of being the responsible one, they look to me to deal with it all and its exhausting. i'm okay though, i'll get through it. but then one guy wants me to buy e off him and another guy wants me to always be on his side while he treats the new kid horribly and tries to strangle him and then gets in a fight with another one of my little brothers and everything is just so friggen stressful. i know i'll get through it though. it will be so good to get a change of scene on sunday. i'm learning hella about God though, its really forming me. i'm learning a lot about responsability, maturaty, loving others, leading by example, patience, endurance etc etc. i'm no longer the one desperate for guidance, i'm now the one everyone looks to guide them. weird huh? its def a life lesson
i'm trying hard not to udse names for confidentiality reaons so
please pray for my little brothers
lil b 1- he seems to be the only one who wants to be here. please pray that it will help him in many ways.
lil b 2- he is so angry right now and getting in fights a lot and i dunno, he doesnt give himself enough credit. also, he's so into drugs and alchol, he's only 13, its so sad...
lil b 3- please pray that he will get some rest. and also that he will see that the life he lives is sooo dangerous. he needs to get out.
lil b 4- please pray that we will learn how to encouarge him and that he will learn to calm down a bit. pray that he will find joy in his life
actually okay.
the guys are just like little brothers to me. i love them so much. we've had some really sweet group times and until wensday we were sorting through all our difficulties amazingly well. but then a new kid came whop happens to be particularly difficult and all hell broke loose. every night i find myself sooo sick of being the responsible one, they look to me to deal with it all and its exhausting. i'm okay though, i'll get through it. but then one guy wants me to buy e off him and another guy wants me to always be on his side while he treats the new kid horribly and tries to strangle him and then gets in a fight with another one of my little brothers and everything is just so friggen stressful. i know i'll get through it though. it will be so good to get a change of scene on sunday. i'm learning hella about God though, its really forming me. i'm learning a lot about responsability, maturaty, loving others, leading by example, patience, endurance etc etc. i'm no longer the one desperate for guidance, i'm now the one everyone looks to guide them. weird huh? its def a life lesson
i'm trying hard not to udse names for confidentiality reaons so
please pray for my little brothers
lil b 1- he seems to be the only one who wants to be here. please pray that it will help him in many ways.
lil b 2- he is so angry right now and getting in fights a lot and i dunno, he doesnt give himself enough credit. also, he's so into drugs and alchol, he's only 13, its so sad...
lil b 3- please pray that he will get some rest. and also that he will see that the life he lives is sooo dangerous. he needs to get out.
lil b 4- please pray that we will learn how to encouarge him and that he will learn to calm down a bit. pray that he will find joy in his life
Friday, September 11, 2009
ledger house.
okay, so i'm here.
now my story begins on wensday..
i'm stressed to the max and thinking of only one thing "ledger house" i didnt even know what it is, how the heck could they expect me to live there? i was so stressed and dying for a cigarette, yet again tempted, wanted to cut again, but i knew that would just make everything worse. and then my dad then enters and begins to yell at me, i broke down, i fell pretty hard, it was one of those nights thats so dark and miserable that the only thing you can do is hold on.
the next day i went to ledger house. i burst into tears at least 3 times over saying i hate it and didnt want to be there. i then went in my room and sulked for the next 6 hours. around 7pm i finally went out of my room and spent some time with the other kids and staff. theres 2 other boys on my unit, thats it. one is 12 and the other is 13. i learned a bit about them, one of them is in a foster home yet still in contact with his parent so i dunno whats up with that. please pray for them, they're good kids, just so broken..
later that night i finally turned back to God, i read the Bible for a bit and then i just prayed, i shouldnt have let myself fall away like that but i'm not gunna be brought down anymore, yeah i'll fall but i'll always turn back to Jesus. i'm in a much better mood today and i'm trying to make the best of things, i think this could be really good for me, and God is still here with me, he has never let go of me.
and dont be afraid to hold me accountable on this. God is my everything and i'm not gunna let that change.
btw guys.. as of today.. i've been off drugs for 3 months.
now my story begins on wensday..
i'm stressed to the max and thinking of only one thing "ledger house" i didnt even know what it is, how the heck could they expect me to live there? i was so stressed and dying for a cigarette, yet again tempted, wanted to cut again, but i knew that would just make everything worse. and then my dad then enters and begins to yell at me, i broke down, i fell pretty hard, it was one of those nights thats so dark and miserable that the only thing you can do is hold on.
the next day i went to ledger house. i burst into tears at least 3 times over saying i hate it and didnt want to be there. i then went in my room and sulked for the next 6 hours. around 7pm i finally went out of my room and spent some time with the other kids and staff. theres 2 other boys on my unit, thats it. one is 12 and the other is 13. i learned a bit about them, one of them is in a foster home yet still in contact with his parent so i dunno whats up with that. please pray for them, they're good kids, just so broken..
later that night i finally turned back to God, i read the Bible for a bit and then i just prayed, i shouldnt have let myself fall away like that but i'm not gunna be brought down anymore, yeah i'll fall but i'll always turn back to Jesus. i'm in a much better mood today and i'm trying to make the best of things, i think this could be really good for me, and God is still here with me, he has never let go of me.
and dont be afraid to hold me accountable on this. God is my everything and i'm not gunna let that change.
btw guys.. as of today.. i've been off drugs for 3 months.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
life is a bitch
i guess its gunna have to hurt,
i guess i'm gunna have to cry,
its sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life
starts with goodbye.
i feel so broken and yet i can feel God holding onto me, holding me together. how the heck am i gunna do this? its too much. im trying to hold on but i'm not strong enough. i havent given in yet but i dont think i can carry on much longer. and nobody cares to help anymore. i leave tommorrow, my life is being ripped apart..
oh, and, as if all this aint enough
my stupid ass brother got his friggen wife preggers and i'm never even gunna meet the kid, just like i havent met my nephew Ben, who is at least 6 months old now. for that matter, i'm probally never going to see Miles or John ever again, they probally wont even be at my funeral. and it hurts every day. it was just when this whole thing started that...
i guess i'm gunna have to cry,
its sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life
starts with goodbye.
i feel so broken and yet i can feel God holding onto me, holding me together. how the heck am i gunna do this? its too much. im trying to hold on but i'm not strong enough. i havent given in yet but i dont think i can carry on much longer. and nobody cares to help anymore. i leave tommorrow, my life is being ripped apart..
oh, and, as if all this aint enough
my stupid ass brother got his friggen wife preggers and i'm never even gunna meet the kid, just like i havent met my nephew Ben, who is at least 6 months old now. for that matter, i'm probally never going to see Miles or John ever again, they probally wont even be at my funeral. and it hurts every day. it was just when this whole thing started that...
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
bye?
well its almost time, i'm leaving first thing tommorrow morning to go to ledger house. i hate it. but whatever, i'm starting to hate it a little less when i realize i'll be away from my dad. we were fighting all night yesterday while my mom was out, leaving me very angry and depressed and desperate to cut or go for a smoke or something. i didnt do it though. i dealt with it by blasting angry music and screaming into my pillow until mom got home, she always makes it better.
today i'm just packing, sleeping, and doing a p.e journal thing.. its lamee.
problem about ledger house.. all of my other counselors i've simple told to fuck off and never came back, i cant do that with these ones. it sucks royally.
but yes, life sucks but at least i'm still alive. one day things will be better. i'm trying to focus on what Matthew told me in april "theres a reunion in heaven" its a comforting thought. one day i'll be with my family again. and no, i dont mean my dad who i fight with all the time, or my mom who doesnt really care, or any of my siblings, who all hate me. but my family, people who care and love me for who i am and are willing to be there in hard times and in good times. one day..
well... i'll try to keep you posted but i make no promises.
i will be at staff retreat though, wild horses couldnt keep me away.
today i'm just packing, sleeping, and doing a p.e journal thing.. its lamee.
problem about ledger house.. all of my other counselors i've simple told to fuck off and never came back, i cant do that with these ones. it sucks royally.
but yes, life sucks but at least i'm still alive. one day things will be better. i'm trying to focus on what Matthew told me in april "theres a reunion in heaven" its a comforting thought. one day i'll be with my family again. and no, i dont mean my dad who i fight with all the time, or my mom who doesnt really care, or any of my siblings, who all hate me. but my family, people who care and love me for who i am and are willing to be there in hard times and in good times. one day..
well... i'll try to keep you posted but i make no promises.
i will be at staff retreat though, wild horses couldnt keep me away.
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