losing the battle

in a book my class was reading for term one, a man who was mentally challenged had an operation to increase his intelligence, it worked, and he had a whole new life, but then i turned out that it was only temporary and every day he got a little dummer, knowing he would go back to the way he was pre-operation. its kinda weird but i kinda know how he feels. 

i was stuck in a life full of lies and sin. but then God rescued me and i learned about him and i was saved. and for a while, i had joy in my life. i was out of the darkness. my vision of life was no longer dim and blinded. but now im falling. and every day it gets a little worse. it wont be long until im back where i started. and it kills me because i dont want this to happen. i want to walk with God for he rest of my life and serve him in everything i do. i want him to be the very reason for everything i do. i want him to be the center of my life. i want to feel him like i did in c.i.t. but every day everything is a little dimer. every day i get a little more depressed. every day i get more and more tempted. every day i want to die more than ever. 

im at camp right now, its my last weekend here until staff retreat. i go home today and i honestly cant wait. i dont belong here. and i dont think anyone wants me here. so today im going home, and after staff retreat, i might never come back. ever.