take me as i am, i am clay within your hands

oh my goodness i dont even know what to say.

okay so it started with me watching the simpsons in my room and attempting to do homework. then i got a phone call from a frien who told me that his dad was not doing so well and might be dying. he said he was calling everyone he knew to ask for prayer and apparently i was the first one he thought of (aww). we talked about it for a while and i had no idea what to say so i just listened and mentioned some bible stories, particularly Job, like geez what didnt happen to Job? then somehow we got on the subject of the retreat (sr.high). last years retreat was when we met and soooo much has changed since then. he told me how surprised he was at how far i've come since then. he said that when he herd about my life back then he thought it would take wayy longer for me to change and he said for someone who's only been trying for like a year he's amazed at how 'mature' i've become. he said that when he talks to me it seems like i've been christian for way more than a year (haha a year.. try since like april, and only fully since june 11th.) but still, that was really encouraging. but it was also kinda like 'noooo your better, im in a rough patch' but w,e. okay so then i went on fb to get some other people to pray for him and then went to my other room (okay yeah i know that sounds so rich but theyre both really small so it evens out)

i started to pray for him and his dad and his familyand then i dont really remember what i said but it ended with 'there is nothing without you' and thats when it happened, i finally broke. it was incredable. i cried to God for forgiveness. i asked him to help me to rely on him more and to use me to do his will. i told him i was sorry for cutting and promised that i would rely on him more, and then i turned around and looked at the book that i've been hiding my razor blade in. thats when i took it and said 'i love you more' and with that, i threw it out the window. and thats when i felt it, the refreshing 'clean' feeling i always get after asking for forgiveness. for the rest of the night i listened to worship music and then fell asleep. it was an amazing, beautiful night.