dear Jesus

If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be

read dis

k so i spent a while writing about my christmas and talking about how im feeling and what im worried about but then i figured out... no one really reads this blog... and do i really need it? i could easily just write in a notebook or something. so im gunna think about it and one week from today i will decide if i should keep it, or delete this blog. i'll still write in it for the week.

its weird how you never get over the death of a friend.
r.i.p Jonathan.... it still doesnt seem real after all this time

the retiring of a great notebook

my notebook that i filled with thoughts, prayers, and randomness is now filled.
this notebook has almost every kind of writing that exists in it. there is something i wrote in it i want to share, and i dont know why. please dont judge as this was over a year ago. ps this is an exact translation from paper to blog

November 3rd 2008
where is my relationship with God? i don't exactly know but i do know this, its begining. i am learning and discovering more about him everyday. maybe its not important if you know him or not, all that matters is if you want to. so no, i dont follow him right now, but i'm taking the first steps on my walk with him. i won't pertend i'm something i'm not or act like i'm close with God, because i'm not. at church yesturday, they did communion. a beautiful, precious, and special way to remember what Jesus did for us. i did not take it though, because i dont fully understand it and i'm not far enough on my walk with God to get the full precious meaning of it. communion is a very personal and amazing thing and i'm just not ready for it. but when Sasha saw this she said, "you don't believe in God," it hurt. it hurt because she's right. i'm not a 'christ follower' at least, not yet. maybe i dont fit in with the church and the youth group but there is no where else for me to go. i am acually Grateful for what she said, because it made me fully realize where i am in my relationship with God and i think i am on the right path. but looking at everyone in church and how they all fit together like a family. and they all have God on their sidde as well as a family of people who care and are there to help them on their walk wirh God it makes me think, i want to be a part of that family. and maybe, just maybe, if i have that want, thats all i need, because a want and a craving for Christ is what will carry me through, and everything will be found as i seek it. how amazing is that?

unititled

okay seriously everyone that lives in lc is always in desperate need of a break from lc and when they get one theyre always like 'yay im out!' and then they come back and its like 'i need to get out'.
why do we have to go through this? isnt there some way to change things? isnt there at least somewhere we can run to? honestly, this town suffocates people.

Qwanoes vs Imadene

qwanoes-
its amazing, has way more things to do, i like it more, the staff are better at qwanoes in my opinion, and i kinda like.. 'belong' to qwanoes now, it kinda over ranks imadene

imadene-
well... i did have some pretty good times there. and i did spend 6 years of life at imadene, well actually it might have been 7, imadene was the first camp i ever went to; i started going to qwanoes the year after, imadene sends birthday cards, imadene provides financial assistance, its cheaper, its on a lake and not an ocean, and for some reason they wont stop sending me stuff saying 'please come back' but qwanoes is better, its hard to really explain why but it just is.

there are things i miss about imadene, i sorta feel bad for not going there anymore but it had to happen eventually, but honestly, last spring when i was applying for c.i.t at qwanoes, imadene sent me a brochure basically saying 'come be a staff, we want you' and i was like 'nooo, im going to qwanoes', this fall they sent me a flyer for the teen fall retreat and i was like 'nooo im working at qwanoes. and now, they send me a brochure for imadene (and by the way, they totally copied qwanoes themes, it used to be that qwanoes would have a theme like 'breakthrough' and imadene would have a theme like 'cowboys' or 'african safari', but this year their theme is 'jump in') there is this one camp they have that i was thinking about, "leadership developement camp" but that would mean one less week at qwanoes in the summer, and i think im gunna do another full-summer this year, i dunno. but i do miss imadene, i kinda wish i could just go there for a day, but their teen retreat is over and next years teen retreat is probally going to be on the same weekend as a qwanoes retreat that i'd most likely be working for. my imadene days are over. besides, imadene was actually getting kinda lame, summer 2008 i said would be my last summer at imadene, and it was.

frickk cakes

he's not moving
and he's not leaving me alone
friggers.

fail

im sorry.

suddenly my world has become dark again, i cannot see the stars anymore, i cannot see the light. this might be the end.

looking back in time

last night i came across an old notebook of mine, one that i used a lot over the summer and through the fall. it was filled with my thoughts and prayers. i looked back at it and i was like 'woah'. it was so rad.

that wasnt the only thing i came across. i also found my the journal i kept when i was in the hospital for my last suicide attempt. this journal was my only way of keeping my sanity for 4 days. along with it came the journal from ledger. i didnt read either one, i was scared of getting emotional so i just put it away. i did skim over a few pages though, holy crap was i ever broken. i kinda want to show it to somebody, so that they would know what its like and so i can share with somebody else one of the most personal things i have and remind them of how great God is that he can change a person so much. but i cant do it, because im afraid of what they would think.

last night

okay so it all started around dinner time, my brother showed up to work while my parents were out at the firemans chirstmas party. so he tells us about the mess of his house and everything and how hungover he was, so we offer him the spare room, and he tells us he cant because he was gunna get laid later. so my parents leave and my brother and i watch tv together, while the whole time he was complaining about how hungover he was. so i tried to make him drink water to cure the hangover but his solution was energy drinks. he told me all about his crazy night and how he almost got in a fight with 12 guys. talking to him reminded me of something, i am so friggen glad i quit drinking! so then some friends showed up..... then they left... and then my parents came home around 1:30 in the morning and my dad was piss drunk. this morning mom and i did what we always do and talked all about the juicy details of the firemans party thing and she told me all about how drunk dad was and how hungover he'll be now, he's still asleep. and mom and i are being as quiet as we possibly can because no one wants to deal with dad when he's hungover.

so yeah, dad was drunk and my brother was hungover. and its weird but it made me think about when i used to live with my brother. it was cool, we kinda took care of each other. i miss taking care of him. frickk why did i have to go and fuck everything up? i wish i could go back in time and not make that stupid decision, then i would still be living with him, and i loved living with him, it was the ultimate freedom. but freedom is like a drug, and if you get too much freedom all at once, its hard not to go out of control.

anyways. bad news, today is sunday, which means tommorrow is monday, and i hate mondays, with a passion. good news, this is the last week of school until christmas break.

yay!

i finally told him no. not today, not next week, not ever! i feel so much better now!

thoughts. confessions. randomness.

- i've realized a major issue for the middle school kids with bullying. its so sad because i remember what it felt like and i remember never believing the people that would tell me how insignificant insults from people like that are, if i had known then what i know now things would have been so different, i wish i could get these kids to believe me.

- a friend of mine is going through a really rough time right now, please pray for her

- i thought i forgave him, but then i saw him twice, the first time i hid behind a car, the second time we were bowling and i secretly hoped that a bowling ball would hit him in the nuts. apparently forgiveness is harder than i thought.

- i want to be a living testimony to God's amazing power and grace, i want to be a light for lake cowichan, and im slowly starting to live it out. i took a huge step, theres no going back now. i couldnt be happier. thank you Jesus!

- one year ago today, i attempted suicide for the first time. i just want to say right now, rescue is possible, and im glad im alive.

- i dont know what is going to happen next, i dont know where this path will lead me, but thats the beauty of it. i know He has great plans for me, so im letting Him take over.

- sometimes at the most unexpected moments, God just blows my mind.

- i had a very important question to ask, it was a good one too, but then i forgot. i really hope i remember because i want to know the answer.

- right now im in the baggyest t-shirt i have and pyjama pants with no make up or anything, and i feel beautiful.

- i was feeling a little alone, but then i found out, i am more loved than i ever knew. and i have a whole family thats supporting me, i love them so much, theyre like a 2nd home.

- i worry too much

- school is over in a week

- i've been clean for 6 months

- maybe i was wrong about marriage...

- "your only as strong as the drinks you mix, the friends you roll with, and the tables you dance on" is SO NOT TRUE

- im learning to apprechiate the simple things more, and sometimes i feel sorry for the city kids who dont get to experiance this.

- i love my grampa <3 id="gwProxy" type="hidden">

you are my strong tower

okay so today we went broke. i dont even know whats gunna happen now its just crazy and now we need to make an insurance claim and the absolute best case scenario is that we're out a thousand bucks and the insurance pays for the rest which would also result in larger insurance bills because this is the first time we have ever had to make a claim, i guess we're blessed that way. now to some people a thousand bucks isnt a big deal but we are part of the working poor which means we live paycheck to paycheck and there is no way to get ahead. it will take until summer to recover from this financially. and we already live in a house that is built on dirt with no foundation and a roof that leaks and a floor that is extremely tilted and water that has to visit every single drain in the house before going down the drain, leaving vegetables in the bathtub, oh yeah and on top of that guess what my rooms are built on? the roof. thats right. it used to be a one story house but then the people that used to live here had more kids so he just built more rooms, right on top of the old roof. and on top of that winter is coming in more and more each day which means the pipes will freeze and we will have to live with no water for christmas. but it could be a lot worse. i mean, yeah its rough but im sure we'll get through somehow. i guess i just need to learn to rely on God more, no doubt he will carry us through this, and i can learn to enjoy the things i already have and stop wanting things. i'll just have to spend only the absolute bare minimum amount of money. which means i might not be able to do any more random trips to victoria or vancouver. which means i'll really have to depend and rely fully on God because without them i'm kinda alone on this, besides Tara. but thats okay maybe i needed this, i havent been relying on Him enough lately, and he will provide, no matter what happens i will be okay. praise Jesus for being there!

i wish i could save you

please please stay alive. i cant even begin to describe what its like when you stop wanting to die, and begin to fully live. there is hope for you yet i promise.
you are so loved and that will never change

stupid stupid stupid

honestly, whats wrong with me? what about me is so horrible that everyone wishes i would just disapear from their lives? what did i do that was so bad to deserve this? well fine! if thats what they want, then i give up! fuck it. i suppose my sister is just gunna be another sibling that i never see.

has anyone else noticed that it seems like anything fun is either immoral or illegal?

starfeild

it was sooooooooooo great. okay so Tara and i went in and right away the ticket lady was like "oh hi grace" and im thinking "oh no, who is this, what do i do, who is she, ahhhhh" but dont worry it turned out fine, it was Brittney's mom. then i saw Jaymie Hayward! she's amazing. then i also saw Jeremiah and Kennan. so yeah, i knew a lot of people there, but that part is not important, okay so back to the concert.

it was so amazing and it reminded me how good it feels when God is the most important thing in your life. i prayed and asked him to make it happen again, to be the very center of my life and not let me drift away due to depression and temptation. and then i was thinking, wow, im at a starfeild concert, worshipping God, where as at this time last year... not good. He really did rescue me. and then they sang the hand that holds the world. thats been like, my song for the past.. almost 2 months. a while later they played reign in us. another song that has been like, wow. during the summer it was my favorite song. even now, its still one of my favorites (i never have just one favorite song) it was so amazing! cant even describe it.

they played a song that i didnt know but i think its becoming my new favorite. though when i listen to it now its kinda like looking at a picture of niagra falls after seeing the real thing. but its so great. definately encouraging because it reminds me of how much God has done in me and encourages me to keep fighting. its called revolution. and omg it was the most epic thing ever in concert. especially because i was like right in the front. here's a few of the lyrics...

If I'm here all alone
If I'm left behind
If they spit in my face
If they hate my kind

I will rise above
I will live for love
I will answer to the call
For the bond between
For the depth unseen
For my God forsake it all

'Cause I'm a fire
I'm a flood
I'm a revolution
I am a war
Already won
I'm a revolution

oooooooooohhhhh and after the concert, we got to meet them! i got them to sign my p.u.s.h bracelet.