personality tests

my mom said i have a "personality disorder" causing me to thrive on writing to the point that i will actually go insane if i go too long without writing something. we did something really fun today and now i have all the phyc's confused as to how i can come up with a good story in 2 seconds and it flows just right. they're analyzing my brain some more. im afraid. im afraid they will put me on another pill like concerta. if they do, i will be a zombie again. i hate being a zombie. i wonder if i could fake the tests, pertend to be normal, but then i wouldnt be me. but i also feel kinda special, one of the phyc's told me i'm talented :) but im so scared theyre gunna try to drug me. i dunno, its weird.

weird....

as of tomorrow i will no longer be the only girl at ledger. i will also no longer be the oldest at ledger. my role is changing. its weird having a new girl show up. the entire atmosphere of ledger is changing. things are just like they were when i first got here, and then tommorrow it will go completely upside down. i dont approve.

also, i found out today that i will also be doing the narophyc testing while im here. which means my time here is being extended by 3 days

i hope i never go back. i wish i could just stay here.

i like ledger.

but today was really depressing.

first i found out that my self-esteem is actually way lower than normal- as in 93% of girls my age have higher self-esteem than i do. only 7% of girls my age are more insecure than i am. scary.

then i had a session with one of the phyc's and they suggested family therepy, and then when i was freaked out she asked me why and for the first time i actually told a professional how i really feel. and i wasnt afraid. it felt good to finally let it out. i've never even told anyone that much about my family. it was a real breakthrough, but it left me feeling pretty emotional. i'm slowly starting to get over my fear of professionals but there is still no way in hell that i'm going to counseling when i get back.

one of the boys is leaving tommorrow. its weird, when he leaves it will be exactly like it was when i first got here. just the 3 of us. then next week another one of us is leaving and then it will just be me and Bryan, and then our time will be up in no time. weird, its almost over, and have i even made the most of the time that i've had here? did i make a good impression on the guys? i sure hope so.

p.s sleeping pills are officially the best invention known to man! i feel so much better now.

and... i turn 16 in 16 days :)

and road tour is on saturday and i couldnt be more stoked.

grrrrrrr. but there is a millon things on my mind and its really confusing and stressful. and theres this one question thats really bugging me..... grrrr......... where are Sheri and Tyler when you need them. i miss c.i.t sooooooo much.

im glad im gone.

and for a second, i actually thought i misssed it. ha! i'd rather die and rot here at ledger than go back with my parents. i hate him! i fucking hate him!

opiphany- sudden realization of great truth

as we were lying in the sun and looking out at the water and talking all about ledger she mentioned.. him. i try not to think about him. it upsets me more than people know. i'll never forget it. i can still replay it in my mind over and over again, every time. its weird talking to her about him because we dont talk about problems. she told me that she remembered the bruises. she asked how it started, she didnt understand why i feel so bad about it. i explained to her that it wasnt what he did it was the fact that i was so scared that i just stopped saying no. she said that its very common. she asked if i had wanted them to something, i said no. i didnt tell her this but i kinda wish i had, i wish she hadnt replyed the way she did when i told her. "its basic biology, you gave him what he wanted" will haunt me forever. i hate those words. she told me that i just need to forgive myself, once i can do that, i will be okay, i can let go. but its not just him, its everything. if i could learn to forgive myself, i could let go of everything, i could finally move on, all i need to do is forgive myself. but i never will. i will be long dead and never ever forgive myself, which is why i cant let go. i will not forgive myself. hence why i get so depressed, hence why i tried to kill myself, hence why i've done so many things, i can not forgive myself.

in they're mind, i've died.

i went to my school to pick up some work today, everyone that saw me looked like they had seen a ghost or something, it was weird. it was as if everybody thought i died. when we drove past Koal on his bike he was staring at me so much that he ended up turning to the middle of the road, stopping and staring at me as if i was resurrected from the dead or something, it was crazy.

i really want to get into the claremont review, they have an annual contest, and i think i'm going to enter it. the due date is march 15th. and if i win i will feel like such a success, but why do i put so much empathesis and worth into one contest that can only have 3 winners out of all kids between 13 and 19 throughout canada that entire, and its thousands, maybe even millons. its as if im worth nothing if i dont win, but the chances of me winning are soooooo low, its nearly impossible. but what a dream come true that would be. maybe someone would read it and offer me a job in writting. now that would be a dream come true, but i should get realistic, i mean really, how could i possibly win something like that? i'm simply not good enough. grrrrrrrr but why? what makes me not good enough? why do i think i cant do it? why dont i have more confidence in myelf? why the heck would i have confidence? what reason do i have to think that i could write something so good that i could win something like that, its ridiculous. i shouldnt even try. but if i dont try that would be even worse than failing. i have to give it a shot, but what if i dont get it? i guess i could try again next year... i've gotta do it. this is my big chance. if only i was a better writter...

i miss my kaleos!!! and i really wonder why none of the new kaleos are going to my youth group this year, its kinda retarded. i wish my kaleos were back, i bet the new kaleos are nothing like them. i bet the new kaleos are gunna be complete strangers to me, i bet the new kaleos are gunna hate me for working so many retreats, i bet the new kaleos want nothing to do with anyone. what is with me and the new kaleos? grrrrr they're probally really nice people and i'll probally instantly regret the things i've thought about them as soon as i meet them, but to me theyre just like a broken lifeline, they could have saved me from so much this year but for whatever reason that didnt work out, which is not theyre fault at all but grrrrr. why cant we just have the old kaleos back? i miss them so much...

she clearly has it out for me. i wonder if she's bi-polar......

random thoughts

- i'm finally a level 5!!

- turning 16 in 21 days and cant wait to get my L

- one of the kids is getting "discharged" this weekend, meaning he's leaving ledger, for good. and he was the second oldest and sometimes helped calm things down, now its all up to me to be the "peace-maker"

- i feel like a little kid who watches in horror as 'santa claus' takes his beard off. i dont know what to do, this confuses me a lot. but i'll get over it i'm sure..

- i just want to give up on everything. but no matter how much a part of me says "just forget it and give up, go back to your old life" i will not do it. i cant do it. i am not the same person i used to be.

- i'm depressed.

- do i like him? he's been my friend for so long, could we really be more? or do i just like him because he likes me? why the heck does he like me? thats so weird. honestly, what is up with me and guys these days? if i start going out with him that'll be my 3rd fling since april. im not like that, why is this happening? i dont understand.

-mom is awesome

- i am so confused with life right now

- i havent gotten anything published since grade 8 and i havent written something in soooo long, i need to start writting again. i want to get another one published, but this time i'm going bigger, no more 'Polar Expressions' i'm thinking.... i'm gunna try to get published in the Clarmont Reveiw, then i'll know for sure that i'm a decent writter. pray for me, i'd feel accomplished for life if i could get something published in the Claremont Review, it would be such a dream come true.

- road tour soon! so stoked.


-if only Jonathan was here..

yeah, level 4 and a half

okay so quick update

same stuff with the constant drama only it seems to be growing.
i'm getting really sick of Bryan and Nick trying to kill each other.
my birthday is soon and i cant wait to get my L.
i'm working for womens retreat and junior retreat 95% sure.
road tour soon, so stoked.
finally allowed to go to church
really depressed today but God is good and i got over it.
no kaleos at my youth group, i think thats more depressing than ever, how the heck am i gunna survive when i get back if i have no other christians younger than 80 years old? i mean sure i was wanting to push them away at first but geez-i didnt mean it. this sucks, how could God let this happen? why would he make us go through it alone for a whole year, i cant do everything, i'm no superhero, im nothing. really nothing. i'm trying to support everyone but if its only Tara and I trying to support everyone while we need to also grow in ourselves how will the kids get the support they really need? what if we're not strong enough to do it on our own. we need some help, if only someone actually gave a damn about lc but of course no one did. and i thought of all people JimBad would know that we needed them more than ever this year, but instead we are getting no support at all. and i need support but now it feels like i'm gunna be needed in lc and wont be able to get out for support of my own. and the new kaleos..... i'll never know them.
life really sucks, sometimes i wonder if it would be better if i just didnt exsist, but i know that i shouldnt say that because God has given me great opourtunities and many blessings, i refuse to give up now.
i need help.

just call me big sister :)

okay so this is how its been...

actually okay.

the guys are just like little brothers to me. i love them so much. we've had some really sweet group times and until wensday we were sorting through all our difficulties amazingly well. but then a new kid came whop happens to be particularly difficult and all hell broke loose. every night i find myself sooo sick of being the responsible one, they look to me to deal with it all and its exhausting. i'm okay though, i'll get through it. but then one guy wants me to buy e off him and another guy wants me to always be on his side while he treats the new kid horribly and tries to strangle him and then gets in a fight with another one of my little brothers and everything is just so friggen stressful. i know i'll get through it though. it will be so good to get a change of scene on sunday. i'm learning hella about God though, its really forming me. i'm learning a lot about responsability, maturaty, loving others, leading by example, patience, endurance etc etc. i'm no longer the one desperate for guidance, i'm now the one everyone looks to guide them. weird huh? its def a life lesson

i'm trying hard not to udse names for confidentiality reaons so
please pray for my little brothers
lil b 1- he seems to be the only one who wants to be here. please pray that it will help him in many ways.
lil b 2- he is so angry right now and getting in fights a lot and i dunno, he doesnt give himself enough credit. also, he's so into drugs and alchol, he's only 13, its so sad...
lil b 3- please pray that he will get some rest. and also that he will see that the life he lives is sooo dangerous. he needs to get out.
lil b 4- please pray that we will learn how to encouarge him and that he will learn to calm down a bit. pray that he will find joy in his life

ledger house.

okay, so i'm here.

now my story begins on wensday..

i'm stressed to the max and thinking of only one thing "ledger house" i didnt even know what it is, how the heck could they expect me to live there? i was so stressed and dying for a cigarette, yet again tempted, wanted to cut again, but i knew that would just make everything worse. and then my dad then enters and begins to yell at me, i broke down, i fell pretty hard, it was one of those nights thats so dark and miserable that the only thing you can do is hold on.

the next day i went to ledger house. i burst into tears at least 3 times over saying i hate it and didnt want to be there. i then went in my room and sulked for the next 6 hours. around 7pm i finally went out of my room and spent some time with the other kids and staff. theres 2 other boys on my unit, thats it. one is 12 and the other is 13. i learned a bit about them, one of them is in a foster home yet still in contact with his parent so i dunno whats up with that. please pray for them, they're good kids, just so broken..
later that night i finally turned back to God, i read the Bible for a bit and then i just prayed, i shouldnt have let myself fall away like that but i'm not gunna be brought down anymore, yeah i'll fall but i'll always turn back to Jesus. i'm in a much better mood today and i'm trying to make the best of things, i think this could be really good for me, and God is still here with me, he has never let go of me.

and dont be afraid to hold me accountable on this. God is my everything and i'm not gunna let that change.

btw guys.. as of today.. i've been off drugs for 3 months.

life is a bitch

i guess its gunna have to hurt,
i guess i'm gunna have to cry,
its sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life
starts with goodbye.

i feel so broken and yet i can feel God holding onto me, holding me together. how the heck am i gunna do this? its too much. im trying to hold on but i'm not strong enough. i havent given in yet but i dont think i can carry on much longer. and nobody cares to help anymore. i leave tommorrow, my life is being ripped apart..

oh, and, as if all this aint enough
my stupid ass brother got his friggen wife preggers and i'm never even gunna meet the kid, just like i havent met my nephew Ben, who is at least 6 months old now. for that matter, i'm probally never going to see Miles or John ever again, they probally wont even be at my funeral. and it hurts every day. it was just when this whole thing started that...

bye?

well its almost time, i'm leaving first thing tommorrow morning to go to ledger house. i hate it. but whatever, i'm starting to hate it a little less when i realize i'll be away from my dad. we were fighting all night yesterday while my mom was out, leaving me very angry and depressed and desperate to cut or go for a smoke or something. i didnt do it though. i dealt with it by blasting angry music and screaming into my pillow until mom got home, she always makes it better.

today i'm just packing, sleeping, and doing a p.e journal thing.. its lamee.

problem about ledger house.. all of my other counselors i've simple told to fuck off and never came back, i cant do that with these ones. it sucks royally.

but yes, life sucks but at least i'm still alive. one day things will be better. i'm trying to focus on what Matthew told me in april "theres a reunion in heaven" its a comforting thought. one day i'll be with my family again. and no, i dont mean my dad who i fight with all the time, or my mom who doesnt really care, or any of my siblings, who all hate me. but my family, people who care and love me for who i am and are willing to be there in hard times and in good times. one day..

well... i'll try to keep you posted but i make no promises.

i will be at staff retreat though, wild horses couldnt keep me away.

goodbye

yesterday i had to say a tearfully goodbye to a lot of amazing campers and staff

the day after tommorrow, i have to say goodbye to my parents and to my life as i know it and head off to ledger house where i will be living with a bunch of people i dont know, completely alone, for an absolute minimum of a month and a half, i'll most likely be there for 3 months, maybe 2 or 2 and a half if i'm "lucky."

i absolutely hate it. hate as in i want to friggen set fire to the building. i want to punch walls and break things. i want to cut again. i want to yell and scream. i want to puke. it makes me sick.
i want to cry, but i dont want to die. or do i?

but God will be with me. and i cant forget the things i learned this summer. its gunna be hard. but i'll just have to presevere.