.::.

and it kills me to see you like this.
why do you think it only affects you
why did i think things only hurt me..
i see it now.
it hurts people deeply
to see others in pain
how much more would it hurt our Father?

wow.

what an amazing summer

and its not over yet.

so much hardship

so much growth

so many good times 

so many lessons

so many reasons to say its good to be alive.

i'm sorry i was blinded

i'm sorry i was stubborn

but things are different now

i will not live my life like im dead inside

i'm here for a reason

God is doing amazing things.

okay God, you got my attention, what do you want me to do?

i got accepted for ledger house

they said to be there at 10 am yesturday morning

my parents talked about it together

and decided i'd be better off here

in this place that i've always called home until now

but it is my home

i just lost sight of that

and my parents, who at first did NOT want me to be here

said no, after having me on the waiting list since april

because they knew

this is where i need to be right now

God has a plan for me here

i need to stay.

and right before i found out about this

a verse randomly popped into my head in the middle of dishpit

it fits.

"for i know the plans i have for you, plans to prosper and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah something:something

oh...thats what

so whats the next thing?

a friggen thing between the dishpit leader and us.

friggen sexist much.

i want to be a guy.

(just joking, dont really want to be a guy, but sometimes i think it would be so much easier, im sick of dealing with him thinking of us as unequal)

now what?

what else could i possibly lose?
everything is being taken away from me
i feel like i have absolutely nothing right now.
and as if i wasnt feeling terrible enough now my neighbor is dead and im never gunna see him again and im not there to support anyone and i havent seen him in what seems like forever cuzim here and i probally wont even be at his friggen funeral because i have to wash friggen dishes 8 hours a day at very least and on top of that im sick and the past is causing a bunch of issues for me and im faced with a lot of temptation and im homesick and everyones too busy to talk to me and now im wondering about the future and theres a bunch of stuff i havent dealt with and im worried about my friends and im getting really frusturated and my roomates annoy me and im exhausted and did i already say sick? cuz thats kind of a big one and i keep thinking about all this stuff and its too big and i cant handle it and I WANT TO GO HOME!

but on the bright side..
finally got some comfort today when i got really sick and had to lie down so i read the first 30 psalms. that was really good. and i have the best boyfriend ever. and.. well... its been over 30 days (i've lost count)

the worst feeling ever though (well one of them..) is when almost all the people i'd usually talk to are at camp with me but too busy to talk. whatever. camp is for the campers, idont count. im not a camper im not a staff im just a kid that doesnt belong here. a stupid cit who overstayed. i'll just have to suck it up and deal with it myself. 6 weeks. i can handle it. frig, what i wouldnt give for just 10 minutes with my kaleos

am i selfish for being here?

i'm sorry.

sorry it took me so long to get here

sorry i messed up so many times

sorry i havent been following God as much as i should

sorry they left you

sorry i left you

but please realize that to stop believing in God because his followers left you would be a big mistake. 

i know you need support

but i need to grow

it cant be the blind leading the blind anymore

i promise i'm coming back. 

i love you

i wish i could leave right now

but God's not done with me here

i hope you understand

it wasnt us leaving you

it was us following God 

and he sent me here to grow and learn and serve

and i'll only come back stronger

please dont hate me for leaving.

grrr

whats wrong with me?

why do i still want to die in a place so full of life, im starting to learn how to live, but still i figure i'll be dead by december. i wasnt even supposed to live this long..

the hardest goodbye ever

um wow.. so yesturday was the dreaded goodbye. i never thought it would be so hard, every person that left took a little part of my heart. i love my cit's, they are amazing. we've been throught so much and everyone has grown immensely. in the end i had to stand on the hill with Hannah and Bethany and watch everyone leave and go back into the real world. but its not the same, everyone is different now. and i know they will do great things, every single one of them. but i'll miss them all so much. i dont think i've ever cried so much in a single day..

well... only about a million things going through my head now..
6 more weeks, and then i'll be going back to the real world too...

summer 2009-so far-4 weeks.

so... um..... i dont know what to say

God has done some amazing things 

and im awed by his power

but how many times can i break til i shatter?

what is he gunna do with me next?

its been a crazy summer

so worth the pain i've been through

i mean actually, every single pain i have ever been through was worth it

just for what God has done this summer

but i dont know whats happening

people keep asking me about the future

and i dont know what to say because

i never thought i could have one

i thought id be dead by now

and look at how much has happened

how could i end it now?

i love him?

i thought this was right
i was falling for him
and now we're being dragged apart
by rules and regulations
at a place that i thought cared
but now they're taking away the one that keeps me going
how can they destroy love like this?
is it right?
or am i mistaken?
please show me the way
and right now the only thing i can think of
is how much i want to run into his arms
i think im falling for him
and i know i'll just get my heart broken
and its funny how
i wouldnt have it any other way
its worth a broken heart
for just one day
with him

blah

i want to go home
and no one cares to listen
whatever
i know they still care
just too busy
how can i stay for another 6 or 7 weeks of this?
i know i need to turn things around
so i should stay
it feels like murder but
they'll probally save my life.

um... why was i so stupid, i should have known he had a plan all along

so... God is amazing. and after being depressed and feeling far away and suicidal all week i discovered, he never let go of me. he had a plan all along. and im glad things didnt work out the way i wanted.

so...

on the bright side... i knew that i would be making a big mistake if i didnt get rid of it asap, so i finally forced myself to part with it. omg it was hell last night tho. 

im still really tempted but i know that it would be a huge mistake so im glad i got rid of it. 

what is going on with me?

i thought i was out

i thought i was free

but now satan got a hold on me

and im trying to fight him off

but i'm sick of trying

i just want to give up

why am i here?

i need to leave

and now im extremely tempted to cut

i tried to get rid of the blade, i tryed to ask for help but nobody was listening

and now im scared.

somebody please help.

i did it. i really did. so why am i not happy?

i made it. i went 30 full days without drugs

today is day 31.

why am i still disappointed in myself? i wish i could talk to someone about it, but everybody's too busy, including myself.

btw

fave quote..

learn to dance with God and He will let the right guy step in.

 love is sweet, 

in these times i wonder

is it worth it to stay alive?

how can i stand here and say to the campers 'its good to be alive' when inside, i am dying. 

and i wish he would just tell me one more time

'rescue is possible'