if only

i wish i had gotten to you before the world got to you. i wish i could have told you who you are and how amazing and beautiful and special you are before the world told you all those lies that made you feel so ugly and worthless and insecure. i wish i had gotten to you first..

i got my heart set on what happens next

so i just got the news that i've been accepted. another full summer at qwanoes, my true home. i couldnt possibly be more excited. i know that incredable things are going to happen, and i just can't wait.

this summer will be my 8th summer there, i'm only 16... thats half my life... weird, but cool...

mmmm.... home..... what a beautiful word.

wtf

so i was talking to my mom and then i said "i miss my kaleos" but i didnt mean the kaleo 6's, i meant the k7's. i cant believe i actually called them "my" kaleos. wtf is going on here? i can not let myself get attached to them like that. they are not "my" kaleos and they never will be. i need to stop thinking of them so much, i do not want to feel like this about them. they will leave in april, and i dont want to deal with the goodbye. i refuse. im going to toughen up and pretend like they never even exsisted... or i would... if i didnt love them so much... but i dont think i can do that... i'm going to miss them :(

8 months!!!

quick update

okay so first of all: the confrence was sooo amazing. i cant even begin to describe it. i learned so much, i grew so much closer to God, i dealt with a lot of stuff, and now i get a fresh start. i wish i could tell you all about it but im tired and dont have time for a long blog post, even if i did, i still wouldnt be able to explain it.

in other news, i got my report card. now rewinding back to november i was pretty much failing math and they wanted to kick me out of school because of it. they said i was hopeless. i fell into depression because of my failing grades and when i tryed to reach out for help which i had never done before, nobody would believe me and they just knocked me down even more. i gave in to my temptation to cut that day because of some of the stuff they said. i was determined to pass though, and with some help from my mom, and a lot of endurance and will power i didnt know i had, i somehow pulled it together in the second term. i just got my report card yesturday, i got an A in math. an A. i havent gotten an A in anything acadamic since grade 6, possible not even then, so yeah, i was pretty much shocked.

i also got an email from qwanoes, they want a phone interveiw, im extremely nervous, its friday after school around 4. ahhhhhhh.

people do notice, but can they see, or is it me that is blinded, or both

" everyone says you seem to be doing better this year, you're grades are improving, you seem to be happier, you're attending classes, you're getting more involved.."
"oh yeah.. who said this"
"teachers, counselors, we've noticed it.."

then why do you refuse to even entertain the idea i might not be the same person i was, why cant you consider the possibility that maybe i have changed? or have i? but can you see that there is a reason behind this? can you tell that i have found something far greater than this world? something to live for? can you see that change is possible? or is it just something you wonder about but never ask questions about? please ask questions momma i want to tell you all about it!

how can i do more? i want to have Him shining through me, but i feel like im still stuck in darkness.

Lord, i still love you and i always will, please help me through this. i want to serve you better, and right now i feel like im useless because i feel a disconnection to you and i dont even know why. bring me closer to you Lord please, i have nothing without you. amen.