today is a friday. yeah..

"i'm proud of you."

you have no idea how much i long to hear this. and when i do, its only ever from Lauren or Matthew. never from my parents, or my brother, or myself, or a teacher, or anyone who i am feeling so desperate to hear it from. and god will probally never feel like that. and its sad, but i'd sooner hear that from all of them than i would ever tell myself "i'm proud of you. everytime someone does say that to me, i get so happy i feel like i could cry. 

today is the day!!!!!!

you have no idea how desperate i've been this week to see my kaleos again. and today is the day!!! i get to see them at youth. i cant wait. and then even better.. i get to spend a night with them tommorrow, both me and Tara are going. i'm stoked. i missed them way too much. how am i gunna handle it when they graduate? and... why the hell do i miss them this much? what is it about them? they are so.. different... 

omg talk about ultimate guilt. i owe an apology to everybody i'm doing c.i.t with this summer. i was smoking weed today and we were rolling a joint on the cover of the c.i.t. book. so while we were rolling it i had to be looking at "searching after god's own heart" well... ultimate guilt trip. i felt like i was letting everybody down. and now the guilt is just getting worse every time i see the book. why am i such a screw up? 

maybe if my heart stops beating it wont hurt as much

i never wanted to hurt anyone. i tried to kill the pain. but i only made it worse. and i know its stupid for me to be still doing all this when life is still hopeful. there are still great things to come...Leila's baptism...juniors retreat..... victoria..... young authors confrence.... open house... c.i.t... so why has my depression come back? i should be happy right? i should feel like i did last week. alive and full of energy. so why do i feel so dead and depressed? i spent two hours looking at a bottle of tylenol, wondering if i should down the whole thing. i thought about my kaleos, and c.i.t, and Lauren and everyone, and i decided not to do it. but will i be able to keep resisting? it turned out horribly last time. i dont want it to turn out like that again. but that was just because i made the mistake of telling someone what i did. but no one cares, i mean, if i cut theres a few people that care, but they dont need to know, and if i died.. well... people would care. after Jonathans funeral i cant say no one would care if i died. but theyd get over it. why would they care tho? well my family obviously because id be gone and theyd miss me, and blood runs thick. but...friends... why would they care? most of my friends are just stoner buddies. and the ones that are good friends...well... what have i ever done for them? and god...well he should have known i was a mistake since the day i was born... i wish my mom had gotten an abortion. it would have saved everyone from all this pain and regret. besides... my life is just gunna get even more screwed up...4:20....may long... um yea.... maybe i wasnt really meant to be like this. maybe i was meant to be some crackhead living on east hastings street... but i dont want to turn out like that... obviously its where i'm headed.

feeling the pressure

a millon things are running through my head at once. i cant think straight.

i called my brother Miles on saturday (p.s he's the one who had the wedding) that went surprisingly well. i learned to shut my mouth and just avoid the whole subject of the wedding fiasco and not talking to him since september 2007. why would god sacrifice their happiness for my life? i wish i could go to heaven for like 5 minutes, just to ask that one question, after that, i could endure hell, at least i'd know.

things with my parents are...well....not good. now its not just dad and me thats avoiding each other, its my mom avoiding Ben and i, me avoiding my dad, and my dad just staying in his office. apparently he's started drinking now, because of me. that was good for my conscious mom, thanks for saying that.

im not doing so well with my grades, well, thats an understatement, i'm failing. but at least i'm attending now.

i miss my kitty. now, really, how can a lump of fat and fur possibily be so adorable and lovable? i miss him so much. i also miss the veiw out my window, the lake, the store, the home-cooked meals my mom always made that were so friggen delicious. and my bike, my computer, my rooms, the little girls i babysit, and a bunch of other stuff from home. but when i visit there, it's cold. lifeless. clean. like i no longer exsist, but they're still waiting for me to come home, my room cleaned and ready, but i can't go back. i just cant.

the kaleos come back this week. i was totally ok, still missing them, but ok.. until saturday, now i'm suddenly anxious to see them, as if it's been months since the last time i saw them, but really they were only gone for 3 weeks. Leila's baptism is this saturday, so i'm staying the night. it will be my last chance to spend time with them before they graduate. (its nearly impossible to talk to them at youth, and church is so.....churchy. i feel like little gracie again, just at a new location, with a few more young people. the majority of our chuch is 80 years old. i was kinda hoping the kaleos would rescue the church music at least, but its still the same old songs, how can you tell its a church for old people? they call theeir songs 'hymms.' but yea, im definately looking forward to seeing them again, but their graduation is in only a few weeks. and i dont want to say goodbye to them. i've decided not to go to their graduation, because for one thing, nobody asked me, (its a 'just show up' kind of thing) and for another thing, well, i cant. its hard enough to say goodbye to them, if i actually went, the goodbyes might get too personal and painful for me to handle. what if i cry? they've seen me cry once already, i dont want that to happen again. especially if its over them. its hard for me though, saying goodbye, knowing how much they have changed me, this year has changed me, it cant be over can it? what am i going to do next year? i cant just go back to where i was. not after everything thats happened this year, they showed me who jesus really is and what he's about. one of them in particular.. and they actually got me to go to church and youth. and i know they're not reading this, so i can tell the truth. one of them actually saved my life once, and he doesnt know about it at all. and he probally never will, unless he reads this, which he wont. if thats not enough changes and goodbyes, i also have my youth leaders leaving a week after the kaleos leave. no joke. at least i'll get to see them in the summer, but still, i dont want them to go. i cant handle all these goodbyes. not now. not all at once. and not friggen 2 days before 4:20 (thats just the kaleos) as if i didnt have enough reason to mess up, but now i'll be all depressed because theyre gone... ye... it will be crazy. maybe i can do one of my random trips that weekend. i've already gone to van and vic, where to now? nanimo? vic again? i must admit theres a few people in vic i've been dying to talk to. maybe that would be a good time to go. a friend of mine is dealing with goodbyes too. only she's doing it differently. instead of wanting to spend as much time with them as possible before they go, she's decided to just say goodbye early, online, and then avoid them in hopes that she'll eventually get over them a lot less painfully. i'm begining to think she's got the right idea. maybe i should do that. maybe i'll say my goodbyes this weekend, and then do the same thing she's doing. but what if i dont want to?

well... on the bright side... the one thing thats keeping me alive right now. the light at the end of the tunnel. summer at qwanoes! im planning on spending the whole summer there, and i know its gunna be sweet, and i know its gunna change me. but, arent i dealing with enough change right now? whats gunna happen when i get pcd (post camp depression) i've gone to camp enough to know the feeling, you get back from the most amazing week ever (in this case it will be the entire summer, so the the case of pcd will be a hundred times worse), you've changed so much, and your phyched to maintain that happiness all year. but then you get back and face reality. nothing has changed. you have changed. but nothing else. everything is exactly the same. you are the only one thats different. and then comes the pcd. the giant fall. the huge guilt. and the enormious anger. eventually you get over it. but its pretty tough.

i have decided that i want to live for god. but i cant do that while i'm still messing up. if i can manage to stop messing up all the time, then maybe i can live for god. maybe it will be good. maybe it will be even better than what i hoped for. its worth a try right? or maybe... im just being stupid.

its funny how you find you enjoy your life, when your happy to be alive.

there's just one problem- i can't. i want more than anything to be able to shout from the tops of the mountains "God is real, i believe in Him, i want to follow Him." but i just can't, because i'm...scared. i know he is real, i know he loves me, i know he made me for a reason, but what reason could there possibly be? i long for the day when i can walk up to my friends as they surround themselves with weed, tobacco, and liquor and say, with a smile on my face, "no, i don't do that anymore, i don't want any." why can't that day be today? why am i so afraid of getting dispointed that i refuse all hope, and let myself sit there drowning in misery because i know the truth and yet im still so afraid of getting hurt, that i only hurt myself more. but how can i change? would god really help me? maybe he would... but how can i ask him to? the anser is right in front of me, but i cant remove the scales from my eyes so that i can see it, but i know it is there. i can feel it lingering in my heart, just waiting for me to break down these walls i've surrounded myself with, and when i cant do it myself, ask jesus to help me, to take my hand and guide me out of this hell hole i've created for myself. to show me what life is like on the other side of the walls, a life filled with colour and light and happiness and love. what is stopping me? why can't i go for it? its like i'm battling with myself right now, part of me saying "go. you want this more than anything, you know where your happiness lies, go out there and fight for it" the other part of me saying "are you retarded? build those walls a little higher, your never gunna be free. you'll just get hurt even more, don't do it." so which me will win? the stubborn, broken, mess that just wants to hide until its over, or die because it gets to hard. or the longing, hopeful, hiden warrior that wants so desperately to live for god, to see what life is like on the other side, to find happiness and fight for it to the death. i know what i want. i know how to get it. so why can't i go for it?


good news-no, great news- no, the most absolutely fantastic, wonderful, spectacular, awesomely amazing, miraculous, perfect news ever. I GOT ACCEPTED FOR CIT. and now i have millons of thoughts running through my head at once its so hard to concentrate. i found at at 2 or 3 in the morning actually, right after having a conversation with a friend who seemed absolutely convinced i'd be accepted, and i was feeling extremely unsure, so i'm still waiting for the millons of "i told you so"s that he's entitled to. but with c.i.t comes a lot of other worries. for one thing, where the fuck do i live? and where am i going to live when summer comes? i want to go home. but i dont know where home is. i dont think i even have a home. is it gunna be like this forever? and then what about all the stuff i'm going to miss? imadene... youbou...lake cowichan... friends... swimming....fucking regatta!!!! omg i just thought of that. what about the quarter mile, i'm gunna miss it. damn it. and what about darian? the shack? the beach? those sweet campfires.... drunken summer days and nights.... camping with everyone... parties... not being surrounded by ocean.. jumping off the bridge.... bike rides.... tofino... all stuff im going to miss. but i know its worth it. and what about all the shit i'm gunna have to go through when i tell my friends i'm missing out on 2 months of straight parties to go to a christian camp? i must have a death wish right? its still worth it.

its so new to me... all this hope thats coming with cit. this could change everything...um no. it WILL change everythiing. this excitement, this happiness, it makes me feel so alive.

a picure tells a thousand words, it can also add some life to a blog

vancouver day 1

so im in vancouver right now and so far its been totally awesome.
i got here saturday) and i got to go grocery shopping at a giant store. thats a big deal for me. i never go grocery shopping. i've only been like 5 times in my entire life. ( if Lauren's reading this, she'll know what i mean. haha good times :p) so ye... i got to see my sisters new condo too.

yesturday... def one of the best days ever. (its gunna say monday because its 6:45 am but i consider it sunday still because i still have to seep.

so it started with a skytrain. haha yeah thats right. is there anything more cityish than that? im getting the whole experiance. i feel so small townish here tho, and i havent riden a skytrain since i was like 10. unfortunately, as if im not clumsy enough already, the movement of tthe skytrain and everything makes me stumble a lot. anyways.. ye... so i got to see Kad, which was awesome. we went to metro town. its friggen huge. it could swallow youbou and lake cowichan combined at least 10 times over. and they have a disney store with a mickey mouse archway. an entire store just for disney. geeez. there were a lot of awesome stores there. this one place.. its called mellenium... its the most gothic place i've ever seen. i love it. they have so many medieval swords and daggers and stuff, and aweome statues of dragons and stuff, crystals, books, pretty much everything. they also have tons of posters, bracelets, belts, emo gloves, emo socks, and awesome clothes... unfortunately only really really skinny people can wear most their clothes and its really expensive. but i did find a shirt that i really like, its a big t-shirt with a skull on it, its awesome. i got a couple really cute things too... and i actually got one shirt that makes me look like a girl. im so used to wearing guy clothes all the time. it feels good to have some new stuff. i havent gotten anything new in a while and i dont much stuff at Bens. it was really fun... i hardly ever get a chance to do something girly like shopping, i loved it, and it was so great seeing her again. as it turned out, Benji was at the mall too with some people from camp so i got to see him and Maddie, Sophie, the twins, and Kaitlyn, and a few other people. so that was pretty sweet.

so then i met up with Corey and she took me to her church. it was great. Sarah Hill was there, we got to surprise her. we just stood there until she noticed... 5 minutes later *scream* hahaha. it was awesome. i was definately feeling the love. we went downstairs with all the "youth" and talked about the week and stuff. it was really fun. and i made a few new friends, they're awesome.

.

r.i.p Jonathan

a terrible thing happened on friday. Jonathan Close was killed, he got hit by a truck while driving his motorcycle. i found out saturday morning. i still can't believe it.

i spent the whole weekend balling my eyes out. it was rough. it still is.
i've known him practically my whole life. he was part of the "ubo cru". for those who don't know, thats my brother Ben and his friends. they practically raised me. i just cant beleive he's gone. this cant happen. why couldnt it have been me instead? why didnt i go there? i never got a chance to say goodbye.

and what about his daughter, Dawson? he'll never get to see her grow up. and she'll grow up without a father. but she has the guys. so she's lucky in that way. his girlfriend is pretty upset. and no wonder, i feel so sorry for her. everyones sticking together tho, which is good, but its really upsetting. it happened right outside of Ryans house too, so he's pretty shooken up. i dont think he can live there anymore. i mean, you always see those roadside memorials, but its always somebody else, until its not. he didnt deserve this. he was so young. only 21. he had his whole life ahead of him, and it was taken away by some stupid ass hunk of metal. what kind of god would let this happen? how could god let ths happen to us, why would he let us go through this? and Jaime and Justin, they just lost their brother. Jaime just wont speak, and Justin is in the anger stage. i must say im hiting the angry stage myself. some god.

i just cant believe it. he cant be gone. its so unfair.

i'm just glad i have such great friends, they have been helping me so much.

please pray for us. the whole town is too depressed to function.

...

um.... its march..... friggen hell.

where did the year go? it seems everything's gone by so fast. and now spring break is coming up in like... 8 days.... i think. and the kaleos are leaving in no time (i think 46 days....the countdown is on, and im dreding it) and then theres prom and the hectic last month of school and exams (2 provincials for me this semester) and then summer. which has so much confusion attached to it. and every day now i get a random burst of excitement at the thought that theres a possiblility that i could be spending my summer at qwanoes. could there possiblily be anything better than that?

if anyone knew me well in september...... haha i changed hella. but.... was it for the better? that question has been running through my mind over and over again.

any day now i'll have a new neice or nephew. and it kills me to know that they will never even know that i ever exsisted at all. so much for family.

well still trying to make plans for spring break, its looking like i'll get to see both of my sisters. i've been planning on going to van and staying with Coral and her FIANCE!!! ye...thats right....she's engaged.....im still not over that excitement. apparently i'm gonna be one of her bridesmaids. can you imagine it? haha oh boy. im stoked. it will be the first wedding i've ever been to. i didnt even get an invite to my own brother's wedding. but thats a whole different headache so i wont get into it. anyways, my other sister Candice called. she wants me to stay with her in vic. it will definately be different, and my nephew will definately wear me out, but it will be awesome. and i havent had any "sister time" with her in forever.

this is going to be the first summer since i was little that i wont be going to camp imadene. which is.... extremely weird for me. i mean, i went to imadene before i even went to qwanoes. and i've been going to qwanoes for 6 years. its weird, its so familar and exciting and i can actually go swimminig and tubing and whatever other water activities i want to do there because its fresh water and i hate the ocean. ok maybe not hate.... but extremely dislike to the point that i'd rather get heat stroke. it burns my skin, smells disguisting, hurts like hell if i have a cut, is extremely cold, has seaweed and jellyfish and stuff, and could poteintially get in my mouth and make me want to puke. oh yea...total party. there is only 3 things better about imadene than qwanoes. and like way over 50 things better about qwanoes than imadene. but anyways the three things are
1. water
2. food
3. cabins
one other thing i'll really miss about imadene is the music, its a lot different than qwanoes music, and i like qwanoes music better, but there are some songs from imadene that i'll miss, and its not like they make cd's or anything. and i grew up there, there are a lot of memories and just little things that make it what it is, and thats what i'll miss. but i made this decision last year and i'm sticking to it..... but could i really handle not going back there? and another thing to think about...what if i dont get accepted for cit? will i go to camp at all? youth? what if i dont? i cant even think of not going to qwanoes... talk about torture.

ye

well...i fail....

take 2...

im clearly falling, so i decided im not going down without a fight. this week i plan on quitting smoking. pray for me