maybe if my heart stops beating it wont hurt as much

i never wanted to hurt anyone. i tried to kill the pain. but i only made it worse. and i know its stupid for me to be still doing all this when life is still hopeful. there are still great things to come...Leila's baptism...juniors retreat..... victoria..... young authors confrence.... open house... c.i.t... so why has my depression come back? i should be happy right? i should feel like i did last week. alive and full of energy. so why do i feel so dead and depressed? i spent two hours looking at a bottle of tylenol, wondering if i should down the whole thing. i thought about my kaleos, and c.i.t, and Lauren and everyone, and i decided not to do it. but will i be able to keep resisting? it turned out horribly last time. i dont want it to turn out like that again. but that was just because i made the mistake of telling someone what i did. but no one cares, i mean, if i cut theres a few people that care, but they dont need to know, and if i died.. well... people would care. after Jonathans funeral i cant say no one would care if i died. but theyd get over it. why would they care tho? well my family obviously because id be gone and theyd miss me, and blood runs thick. but...friends... why would they care? most of my friends are just stoner buddies. and the ones that are good friends...well... what have i ever done for them? and god...well he should have known i was a mistake since the day i was born... i wish my mom had gotten an abortion. it would have saved everyone from all this pain and regret. besides... my life is just gunna get even more screwed up...4:20....may long... um yea.... maybe i wasnt really meant to be like this. maybe i was meant to be some crackhead living on east hastings street... but i dont want to turn out like that... obviously its where i'm headed.