sunrise

its amazing, so amazing, its amazing.

so friday, i made it through one day without drugs, i was determined to make it through another. it was hard. everything as in my face. i had so many people asking me to party with them. it was hectic. i was getting so weak. i had E, weed, alcohol al in my face at once. what did i do? I SAID NO!!! and i made it through the entire day. it was so hard. and then later that day, i went to qwanoes. and i was sitting on a swing thinking, wow, i really made it, and now look where i am. this is great!

its the c.i.t challenge course workshop this weekend. so yeah... :)

i've had so many wonderful heart to hearts this weekend, and theres still until 1:30 today, definitely more to come. its just, indescribable. yesterday we learned how to belay people, actually got to belay people, and then we got to go on a few things. it was a really odd feeling, having somebody's life in your hands, and trusting friends with your life. i went on the skyscraper for the first time (thats a huge accomplishment, you have no idea) and i made it to the top of the climbing tower (another thing that feels like quite an accomplishment.) 

this morning, a few of us woke up at 5 am to watch the sunrise. it was so amazing. like... wow. it was beautiful. i love being surrounded by God's creation. we were all praising Jesus for it, one of the best experiences of my life. i stayed there for another hour just thinking and praying about stuff. it was so wonderful, i cant even describe it. things are really changing for me. slowly, but yeah. i'm thrilled with the person i'm becoming <3

there is nothing better than c.i.t adventures.

ooooooohhh and..... LAUREN'S HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the challenge. 30 days.

29 days. seriously. 29 days. not even.

okay so you know how i've been counting down for a while, well now the countdown is getting smaller and smaller and im starting to get anxious wishing i had a bit more time to get ready. in our school, its really small, so prom is for everybody grade 8-12, if the younger kids didnt go, there would be no prom. shitty for the grads but yeah.. so i was planning on going with my girls but then i remembered i applied to work osc staff training week, so i asked Mel what the verdict was on that and i'm accepted :) i'm stoked. i'm gunna get to see so many people that i havent seen in a while. but also... that means summer stars even earlier. about 20 days... wow. and somehow in that 20 days i need to read the book of James and the c.i.t book, and then do the afterthoughts sessions, go shopping for the summer, try to get in a bunch of experiances with my friends that im gunna miss out on this summer without partying, like jumping off the bridge, tubing down the river, swimming across the lake, bonfires, etc.. and fuck, im gunna miss regatta, whatever its worth it. oh yeah...and i need to quit sinning so friggen much, pay back debt from the school year, hopefully get the money back that people owe me so i can get smoothies and laundry service or something. oh and somehow in the middle of all this i need to find time to read the book of John and pray and do my devo's and all that, and make sure i have everything i need for camp. and then comes the dreaded, the horrific, the nightmare, the making it all fit in a suitcase!!! (big loud scary music) gasp!!

so yesturday i made a bet with my friend to see if i could make it a whole day without smoking weed. i won. thats one day. but then we decided to make it a pact, yesturday i had 30 days until c.i.t started. today its 29. if i can make it to c.i.t without getting drunk or smoking weed or doing shrooms or drugs, that will be a whole month clean! an actual accomplishment. and then 2 more months clean at qwanoes, when i get back in september, i think i'll have the strength to keep going. obviously if i can make it 3 whole months without it, im not gunna start again without going through hell and back.

so today is day 2 (or day 29 depending which way you wanna look at it) please pray that my stubbornness will come to good use and i'll be able to resist it.

for the next 29 days, this is a challenge. i'll need support tho.

and i know i need to quit cigarettes too, but i'll work on that later.

k, thats it. frig, wheres Lauren wen you need her. haha

??????

why is this suddenly happening to me? all these guys suddenly taking interest at the same time, when its really the last thing i need right now. and it makes me feel special but at the same time its like, fuck, why now? and i want to tell all these guys to back off for now, but everytime i try, they friggen make me melt and i forget why i wanted to tell them to back off. i feel so teenage-girl-ish. it aint cool. i need them all to leave me alone. but i cant tell them that. and a few of them are really starting to care about me too much, i dont want to hurt them but i have to. so why am i getting butterflies? frig, and some of them are saying there praying about it and feel like its okay, and i think its bullshit. and i realized what i really need. i need a guy who can just be my best friend and not try to push me into a relationship. apparently thats just too much to ask for. but i dunno, i've learned that i'm the 'in between' girl. good enough for the moment, good for when they're feeling lonely, just entertainment until they find somebody better. maybe this has something to do with my fear of saying no, and my always thinking of guys as brothers and assuming they know that when clearly not all of them do. damn. why now? i need to end whatever this thing is before someone gets hurt. and im making a new vow to stay single at least until my birthday. why cant things go back to normal? this is all too confusing. and what if it distracts me from c.i.t? i think right now i just need my girls. frig.

stupid girl, i should have known

so i guess thats it
could it really be over?
i cant believe i did it
gave away the only thing i had left
and now what do i have?
and for what?
i threw it all away
was it really worth it?
to lose something so wonderful
to someone who doesnt even care
and now i have to live
with that guilt
well im sorry
but innocence only lasts so long
i thought maybe i could be different
but i was dead wrong
i guess im just another one of those girls
just another target
for your stupid game
you got your prize
are you happy now?
i wish i could say
i fought you off
but i didnt even try
and so the lamb
went to the lion
and never realized
i was only prey
am i useless to you now?
just another mark
on your stupid scoreboard
whats it worth?
is it all a game?
what is the prize, if you continue to play?
well i should have known
play with fire
you get burned
it was my fault
i knew what to do
but something was stopping me
clouding my veiw
so i couldnt see what was right
and what i was doing
the damage done..
i shouldnt have done that
stupid girl, i should have known..
i thought maybe you would care
but you dont
and probally never will
but thats just reality
im no princess
this aint a fairytale
its just the way the song plays out
happy endings
are only lies
and oh what i wouldnt give
if you would just lie to me
one last time

yeah..

- C.I.T starts in 46 days!!!!!!!!!

- a friend of mine is pregnant. im very proud of her for the way she is handling it. she is going to keep it and she's not partying anymore and seeing the doctor and stuff and making sure everything is going okay. but i dunno, she is so young and her boyfriend is not very stable and tends to be a jerk sometimes, so many times i have seen her broken hearted because of him... i sure hope he gets his shit together enough to realize just how lucky he is to have such an amazing girl. he better support her and the baby. i wish i knew more about this stuff, i dont really know how to support her. she's moving in with her boyfriend at the end of the school year. right now she's just really upset about the people who are upset about it, particularly her dad.. please pray for her and her family, its a really confusing time for them. i guess all i can really do right now is listen to the problems, confusion, and the joy and excitement she has, she's thrilled. she figures things are finally looking up. and i love seeing her happy.

- so i went to the hospital today on a feild trip called 'p.a.r.t.y' (prevention for alchol and risk related trama in youth) it felt weird. i was on the verge of having an anxiety attack. and it triggered some flashbacks... i dont want to go back there. i feel okay with being alive right now, but what if something happens? will i be able to stop myself before i end up dead or back in the prison cell of a hospital? i dont know.. i dont think i can.. it seems as if in times like that, nothing else matters. but i dont want to hurt anyone. so i guess theres nothing much i can do except go to god and ask him to help me get over it completely. i realize a few people would care if something happened, and i dont want to hurt them. everyone would get over it.. but still.. theres one person i know of who wouldnt, and it kills me to think i could ever hurt her that much.

i'm alive (and not hating it) and have a huge to do list

C.I.T starts June 27th. so i have only a few weeks left until the most amazing experiance ever starts. thing are starting to improve in ways i could not possibly explain, something to do with me and god, and my latest lack of blindness (or at least, starting to see clearer).

so in the weeks beforee cit i need to...

-read the C.I.T book
- do 6 more afterthoughts sessions
- mail in the forms for C.I.T
- do millons of homework assignments
-exams
- find out that i failed and have to repeat the grade
- nearly get killed by my dad
- more fights with my dad
- get Angie a frog
- finish Blue Like Jazz
- read the book of John
-attempt to write something
- JUMP OFF THE CARBRIDGE WITH DARIAN!!
- more jumping off stuff
- swim across the lake
- buy things
- kidnap Steve and tell him to sign up for C.I.T
- multiple weekends at qwanoes
- c.i.t challenge course workshop
- open house (i get to see some of the k6's again, stoked)
- get an iced coffee from tim hortons
- cut my hair
- make something for 5 people
- get one of those twloha shirts
-watch family guy, i need to let my brain melt
- clean my room
-destroy my room
-clean my room again
- find my camera cord
- go to walmart
- go to youth group
- church
-photoshoot
- girls night
- tubing down the river
- campfire
-tell my momma i love her
- find a way to escape fathers day
- attempt to find lost textbooks
- have a mental breakdown from all the stress
-remember i'm doing c.i.t
- jump up and down for hours on end cuz its coming up soon
- wonder what the crap im doing
-pack
-go

this will be interesting... if only i could get my shit together and do these things before time's up. and it would be nice if it would stop raining and maybe if i could even wake up on time to not have to hitch-hike to school everyday

what could be more epic than...

what could possibly be more epic than a weekend with a few awesome cit's and two crazy counselors and having lots of random epic adventures involving hiking, talking, tanning, taking picures, movies at Jimbad's, tim tam slams, star tipping, nail painting, and going to warmland....

answer? a summer filled with more adventures, more crazyness, and more fantqastical cit's.

i am so friggen stoked.

prayer requests

so im faced with a dilemma.. i'm clearly in a life that generally sucks and am failing to escape it. but something that has been brought to my attention is... how the hell am i supposed to help people with their problems if im still involved in all this stupid shit? how can i be a good influence when im caught up in this? a friend of mine who i have always looked up to has told me that they want to start drinking, i was horrified. i begged him not to do it, i told him about how it fucked up my life and my friends lives but he still sort of wants to do it.. he says he needs some fun in his life and he wants to kinda fit in more and thinks it will help him deal with his problems... it worries me, those are the main reasons i started it. i dont know what to do, i dont know how to help him, i think right now all i can do is listen and be there for him. but i wish i could do more, but the kind of problems he's dealing with arent things i know anything about because well.. i'm a girl.. im going to see him this week and im hoping that it will help him but.. i dont know how to have fun without drugs or crime. pathetic right? well.. i started when i was 12.. and before that all i remember was playing spies and making forts in the bushes and riding horses.. thats a little less than helpful. our 'sober fun' after that was stealing random crap and having makeout parties with the guys.. also not helpful. im glad that part of my life is over but i think id be better off without the weed and drinking . so i really never have learned to have fun without crime and partying.. how the hell am i supposed to convince him that you can have a good time without it when i cant even convince myself. well... i'll find a way. but i cant be much help if im still doing this crap.. he needs somebody better than me, or maybe i can just try to be better.. for his sake.. and mine.. i can do that right? i have to. i cant let him go the same route that i went, im not gunna let him get hurt like that if i can do anything about it. but he needs help that i cant give him.. its times like these it would be so much better if i was a guy so i would know more about how he's feeling. it kills me to see him hurting like this. so this is my plan.. im gunna do something about it. maybe i can help myself throught trying to help him.. im gunna fight like hell for this, and im not fighting alone. i have god on my side and i know this because why else would it be so hard? satan is afraid of me winning because he knows my faith is only growing, the more i fight, the more i pray, the more i read, the stronger i'll get, and with god on my side, and when im fighting for the right thing, i know i can do it, i know we can do it, we're in this together, and nothing will stop us, i know it. i can feel it. please pray for him, he has so many things that are hurting him and it kills me because i cant make it stop, its a pain that i cant fix, but god can. so please pray that god will help him deal with it and feel better about himself. please pray that god will guide him and carry him when things get too hard. so that he can turn away from the dark and scary path that drinking leads to. pray that he will find healing and happiness and that he will know that he is not alone, we are on his side. please pray for me as well.. that i may find ways to help him as much as i possibly can and that i can hold onto the lord for strength so that we may both turn away from the devil and his... (i cant believe im saying this)...lies. pray that the lord will give me patience and endurance so that i can really be there for him whenever he needs me, but also that i will know my limits, as i am not jesus, therefore there is only so much i can do for him. please pray for the both of us. it breaks my heart to see him in pain.
another dear friend of mine is going through something so horrible it makes me want to stab someone. there is a guy who is treating her like shit. she says she loves him but he is only taking advantage of her, she is a lovely, beautiful girl but he has corrupted her to the point that she thinks she is worth nothing more than what he treats her as; an object. he has her giving bj's to him and all his friends and i know she doesnt want it but she says that she feels special that they want her at all. they have broken her so much that she feels she is worth nothing and she thinks its a miracle that they want her at all but thats not it. i cant stand to see my girl, my wonderful best friend being treated like this. i want to fucking kill this guy for hurting her like that. and it scares me cuz im actually serious.. if i meet this guy.. i dont even want to think about it. i love her so much. he has no right to do this to her. but she wont leave him, she wont say no because she is afraid and i've been there i know what its like but how could god allow this to happen to her? why isnt he protecting her? she is so precious, she deserves a guy who will treat her like a princess. she is worth the world and he is treating her like some kind of whore, as if he owns her or something. it makes me sick to my stomach. please please pray for her as i dont know what to do she insists on defending him and i cant go to the cops because i dont know who he is and i know she will just deny it. please pray that god will show me a way to help her, and that he will protect her and give her the strength to say no or go to the cops about it, i've been there i know its horrible and she needs love and protection right now, please please keep her in your prayers, she means the world to me, if only there was some way i could make it stop or something, anything, i just dont want her to be broken, i dont want her to be in pain, its destroying me to know that she is going through this. i dont know what to do.. i am begging for an answer.

how did the world get this fucked up? it is so obviously satan and it makes me sick. i hope he loses i hope he is miserable i hope god will defeat him again and again, i hate satan. i loathe him. i despise him so much that as of now.. i am turning my back on him forever and running to god. its time to change. i cant believe i let him control me for so long. well never again. im on gods side now and im never going back. and this.. is a PROMISE!
amen!

i dont care if you dont care

To live and not to breathe
Is to die In tragedy
To run, to run away
To find what you believe
And I leave behind
This hurricane of fucking lies
I lost my faith to this
This town that don't exist

So I run
I run away
To the light of masochist
And I leave behind
This hurricane of fucking lies
And I walked this line
A million and one fucking times
But not this time

I don't feel any shame
I won't apologize

When there ain't nowhere you can go
Running away from pain
When you've been victimized
Tales from another broken home