a night with the kaleo sevens

this is how it started... i drove to camp in the dark, with a slight bit of rain on my second day ever driving. but we lived (yay) and i got there. about 20 minutes later i went where i always go.... dishpit. which of course, made me feel right at home.

so after that i went back to the pacific woods lodge and everyone was at the couches but then a bunch of people headed to mcdonalds. Emma and Kaitlyn stayed so i stayed with them and a few other people. they then discovered the chips and everyone came up to the couches and practically devoured them, like seriously i've never seen so much excitement over chips before, but yeah..

so then we were sitting on the couches and then all in the sudden Emma turned to me and said "Grace, whats your story?" i was so confused, did she really want me to tell them my testamony? i mean.. i hardly even know them... and they're kaleos... and theyre the replacement kaleos. but i've told it to campers before, what would be the harm in telling them? so i went to grab Trent first because i know him and it made me feel a little more secure having at least one person i really knew. and then i told them my story.

i didnt want to get too into detail but i did tell them about a lot. almost everything, i just didnt go too into detail about how it felt and what it was like. after i told them, i felt really... light... as if i had just had a weight lifted that i didnt know i was carrying. but i figured that was it.. tell them... then go back to the library with Trent and Jenna, back to my comfort zone, but no.

they were so great. everyone said something that was so encouraging and so supportive, i felt so loved, i had no idea they care so much. one thing made me want to cry, i think it was Emma that said this but yeah.. she talked about when they named each other @ mount washington and the name they gave Claire was "victory" and she said that it fit with my story so well because "theres been such victory in your life". yeah.. like oh my goodness you have no idea how great it felt to hear that. and then they all prayed for me, pop-corn prayer style, it was so great and i was just thinking like "God thank you so much for this moment, i needed this so much"

so then everyone came back from mcdonalds and we all got extremely hyper. later i went back to talk to Trent and i told him about how its been such a struggle for me to stop cutting and stuff and yeah..

so the next morning i didnt really do much, talked to Trent for a bit, then worked dishpit, then went home. but yeah... awesome weekend. i think i like this group, but they leave in like 3 months, so its kinda like.. what was the point in that? now im just gunna miss the whole group and not just 3 people. but still, i think it was definately worth it. the k7's are amazing.

Emma even made me a bracelet, so right now im feeling like... so special. haha.

what i want for my life

i want to learn from all experiances and gain wisdom from them so that i may help others more. i want to use my life for good things, godly things, things that are worth living for. ultimately, i want to serve my God with every single breath. i want to grow closer and closer to him, and even if i never make it to heaven, at least i can live for him on earth. i want to one day tell my testimony and be able to say that He overcame everything, including self-injury. i want to get baptized. i want to leave everything in the past behind and follow him. that is all i want.

grace is a beautiful thing

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scar[r]ed hand to the other

I know you've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel
But by the truth your word reveals
I'm not holding on to you
But your holding on to me
Your holding on to me

Jesus, you know just how far
The East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scar[r]ed hand to the other

i still love God, why am i so afraid?

One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

ugh

i just want to disapear.

have i changed?

life is weird. things change so quickly and yet you hardly even notice it until you look back into the past. my life was once all about partying, stealing, and breaking rules. those actions came with a consequence, depression, guilt, and self-hate. those feelings lead to more stupid actions, cutting, and suicide attempts. friends and good times were all i cared about, i wanted to do whatever i wanted. but then again, things change. i havent smoked weed or gotten drunk or anything in 7 months and i dont steal anymore, and im more about following God's commands than breaking rules. things are different, but they feel almost the same.

sometimes i wonder if i really have changed, or if its all just some act or dream or something and im just trying to kid myself into thinking its different. i mean, yeah, i quit the things i used to be into but have i really changed? i still struggle, im still tempted, im still the same person i was. but how can i actually change? i've been trying so hard and i havent changed at all, or have i? i dont know.

but when i say this to my friends they say that its not true, that i actually have changed, why do they say this? why do they seem so convinced? why am i so not convinced?

and lately i've been thinking about the future a lot, and honestly, im scared. i dont know what im going to do with my life and it seems like everyone else at least has some idea. it used to be that i wanted to be a youth worker or counselor or something, but 'd need to go to collage for that, and i dont think i could handle collage. lately i've been thinking about doing kaleo when i graduate, but i dont know if i could handle the homework, i mean, it is different than other collages, but its still a collage. and its like $16,225 for the year, incuding textbooks and everything, but considering room and board and food and stuff, that might actually be cheap, which is even more scary. thank God im retarded, cuz i dont know what i would do when i move out if i wasnt going to get a disability cheque. and i need to get a job now, but i can hardly handle school, how could i handle school, leadership, youth group, church, qwanoes, and a job all at the same time? maybe... God forbid.... i have to leave qwanoes..... nooooooooo that is way too scary to think about. maybe i can somehow find the ability to balance everything at once, but i somehow doubt it. maybe i should just face the fact that the future isnt looking so bright for me. i like to dream about possible careers, possible missions, possible things i could do and people i could help in my life. but really, i think im probally going to be one of those people that are constantly broke, stuck in a dead-end crappy job, with minimal education. it seems the most i can hope for is a place to live. the future seems nearly hopeless. and it freaks me out to think about it. a lot of my friends are graduating this year or just graduated last year, they talk about the future and seem to be so hopeful, it scares me that i dont have a hopeful future. i never thought about it that much before because i expected to be dead by the age of 16, but im not dead yet, and i dont see death in my near future so yeah.. i guess its time to think about the future, so why do i keep dwelling on the past? why do i fear my future? i dont know.

even the near future is looking not so good. i want to do l.i.t, but i have a feeling God is going to say 'no' and i wont get accepted. then what would i do? i cant imagine not doing l.i.t this summer.

i feel very much confused right now. i wish i could talk to someone and actually tell them this stuff, but i dont see that happening. its times like this that i miss my c.i.t's, the k6's, friends from camp, and i even miss the k7's right now, which is kinda odd considering i dont know them that well, but they are so cool, and i spent a lot of weekends at camp in the fall when i could actually hang out with them, but now i think im only going back a few more times before they graduate. i guess i might as well let go of them now, its easier this year because im not as attached, i only talk to 2 of them, but theres a few people that i so wanted to get to know better but it never happened, the k7 girls seem so sweet, but i guess i'll just have to pray that a few k8's will go to youth group in lc next year.

theres this song by tenth avenue north, by your side.... its really good. its like... Jesus singing.... theres this one line that really hit me..

"why are you still searching, as if im not enough?"

in my world

- one of my c.i.t's is going to be a kaleo next year, this is getting riduculous, first him, now one of my cit's , its weird when you know someone before kaleo because then you dont really think of them as a kaleo, but they are, and then its just strange.
- dutch blitz is friggen amazing!
- im very confused as to whats going to happen in the near future, particularly, summer
- i miss the kaleos, and now i cant see them
- i feel... happy... and i like it, but it seems like the stronger, happier, more positive i am now, the higher i am spiritually right now, the harder im going to fall later on, and i dont want this feeling to ever go away. im finally enjoying my life.
- the bible is the best book ever! im loving it. but it does get confusing sometimes, but its good cuz it makes you think
- im afraid that i will end up on the streets one day and be too proud to ask for help, it seems more likely to happen the more i think about it.

theese colours make a rainbow

something to think about

why me? why would God pick a little insignificant useless sinner like me and give me a purpose and a new life and a huge job to do. can i really handle this? isnt it just a little too much responsibility? does He really think i can do this? isnt this kinda biting off more than i can chew? hmm... nope, i have Jesus, and He rocks!

please pray people. for me. for my friends. for the youth groups. for fuze. for youbou. for lake cowichan.

and another thing that happened to me today.. i was talking to someone about music choices, they asked if it was bad to listen to 'questionable' music. i told them it is because we need to be in this world and not of this world so listening to worldly garbage is not going to help us at all, it will bring us down. but the thing is... i havent been doing this lately. i listen to music that is so full of garbage im pretty sure Matthew would smack me upside the head for it. and i told her not to do it. which means, i need to stop listening to it as well. i know what its like to have someone tell you not to do something and then do it themselves, im not going to do that to her and that is a promise i made to her, to myself, and more importantly, to God, and for God. but its hard. i like to listen to that kind of music sometimes, but i know i shouldnt. i dont know what im going to do now.. i mean.. can i really just go and delete those songs from my ipod and computer playlist? its a difficult thing to do, i dont know if i can. and im not saying that this is like some big huge sin or something, im just saying, i promised. and i refuse to be a hypocrite.

so to all that read this, please pray that i would be able to do this, for God, so that i may be less worldly and a better follower. also, that in so doing this i may set an example for the other believers, and keep my promise.

... but grrr... that means deleteing some of my favourite songs and bands. ahhhhhhhh how the heck am i gunna do this?

finally

i dont think i have ever heard these words come out of her mouth in my entire life
"i'm proud of you"
my own mother said that... to me! omg i cant believe it! you dont even know what its like to have her say that to me. ahhhh it feels so weird, but so good.

staff retreat

okay what could be better than staff retreat of 2009 turns into 2010? one thing and one thing only: heaven.

- epic reunion. c.i.t's. summer staff. Heather (she is so amazing that she gets her very own catagory, you know your special when..)

- many many heart-to-hearts.

- being with sisters. ultimate estrogen boost haha

- my first communion. oh my goodness i cant even describe how amazing it was. it was one of the most intimate moments with Jesus i have ever experianced. i was overwhelmed with a million different feelings at once. i got some intense prayer time. i finally got over my fear. oh my goodness, i love Jesus so much. i can not even fathom how great he is. communion was one of the best spiritual experiances of my life, i felt so close to Him, it was incredable. wow, i love communion!

- the gathering of the c.i.t's. can only describe it with this: wow. so encouraging.

- epic new years dance party with Heather

- hot tub time. the familar feeling of being 'one of the guys' i love it.

- asking for prayer and praying for others. it was an experiance i can not speak about, but i can say this: i learned something

- goodbye, this time, no tears. because i know that we must all walk our own paths in life, and wherever they lead us, God will get us through. and even though we all walk different paths and come from different places we are still a family of believers and we are all headed in the same direction, and one day we will be reunited in heaven and it will be better than anything on earth.

- all systems go, feeling refreshed, clean, and closer to God than ever. i have high hopes for 2010, i have a feeling i am about to grow so much throughout the year and things are going to change a lot, my heart will be broken, lessons will be learned, and in the end i will be thinking the same thing im thinking now, no matter what happens, even if i lose everything, "God is so, so good."

* new years resolutions*
-stop cutting
- read at least 6 books of the bible
- do l.i.t
- stop being so afraid, let Jesus overcome fear.