sometimes i wonder if i really have changed, or if its all just some act or dream or something and im just trying to kid myself into thinking its different. i mean, yeah, i quit the things i used to be into but have i really changed? i still struggle, im still tempted, im still the same person i was. but how can i actually change? i've been trying so hard and i havent changed at all, or have i? i dont know.
but when i say this to my friends they say that its not true, that i actually have changed, why do they say this? why do they seem so convinced? why am i so not convinced?
and lately i've been thinking about the future a lot, and honestly, im scared. i dont know what im going to do with my life and it seems like everyone else at least has some idea. it used to be that i wanted to be a youth worker or counselor or something, but 'd need to go to collage for that, and i dont think i could handle collage. lately i've been thinking about doing kaleo when i graduate, but i dont know if i could handle the homework, i mean, it is different than other collages, but its still a collage. and its like $16,225 for the year, incuding textbooks and everything, but considering room and board and food and stuff, that might actually be cheap, which is even more scary. thank God im retarded, cuz i dont know what i would do when i move out if i wasnt going to get a disability cheque. and i need to get a job now, but i can hardly handle school, how could i handle school, leadership, youth group, church, qwanoes, and a job all at the same time? maybe... God forbid.... i have to leave qwanoes..... nooooooooo that is way too scary to think about. maybe i can somehow find the ability to balance everything at once, but i somehow doubt it. maybe i should just face the fact that the future isnt looking so bright for me. i like to dream about possible careers, possible missions, possible things i could do and people i could help in my life. but really, i think im probally going to be one of those people that are constantly broke, stuck in a dead-end crappy job, with minimal education. it seems the most i can hope for is a place to live. the future seems nearly hopeless. and it freaks me out to think about it. a lot of my friends are graduating this year or just graduated last year, they talk about the future and seem to be so hopeful, it scares me that i dont have a hopeful future. i never thought about it that much before because i expected to be dead by the age of 16, but im not dead yet, and i dont see death in my near future so yeah.. i guess its time to think about the future, so why do i keep dwelling on the past? why do i fear my future? i dont know.
even the near future is looking not so good. i want to do l.i.t, but i have a feeling God is going to say 'no' and i wont get accepted. then what would i do? i cant imagine not doing l.i.t this summer.
i feel very much confused right now. i wish i could talk to someone and actually tell them this stuff, but i dont see that happening. its times like this that i miss my c.i.t's, the k6's, friends from camp, and i even miss the k7's right now, which is kinda odd considering i dont know them that well, but they are so cool, and i spent a lot of weekends at camp in the fall when i could actually hang out with them, but now i think im only going back a few more times before they graduate. i guess i might as well let go of them now, its easier this year because im not as attached, i only talk to 2 of them, but theres a few people that i so wanted to get to know better but it never happened, the k7 girls seem so sweet, but i guess i'll just have to pray that a few k8's will go to youth group in lc next year.
theres this song by tenth avenue north, by your side.... its really good. its like... Jesus singing.... theres this one line that really hit me..
"why are you still searching, as if im not enough?"
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