to go or not to go

at the moment i'm trying to decide on something and i don't really know what i'm gunna do. okay, so on the bright side, theres only 2 choices for this one.

a) i work kaleo grad and say goodbye to them

b) i dont go to kaleo grad and avoid the whole goodbye thing.

right now i'm leaning towards choice b but then i'm kinda wondering if i'll regret it later. the thing is im trying to just apprechiate the fact that i get the oppourtunity to know the kaleos every year. but on the other side: why the heck do i keep doing this to myself? i know what will happen when i get to know kaleos but yet i do it anyways and then i end up her, at the point of goodbye, and i dont regret it, but i dont want to do it again. i dont want to do this every year. but of course, im just going to have to shut up about this now because everyone will keep telling me how lucky i am so whats the point in saying anything about how painful it is for the youth kids and people who get to know the kaleos, i dont think the kaleos acknowledge the fact that it hurts us too but whatever i guess its kinda selfish of me to be thinking so much about how it affects me when they have to say goodbye to each other so they're sorta feeling like i am too only in a different way because.. well... all i can relate it to is saying goodbye to my c.i.t's, only worse.. so yeah, as of now, i wont even mention goodbye or their grad or anything. this will be my last post about it. and then i will watch them leave and although it will hurt, i will simply move on with my life, and then in a few more months, there will be a whole new group and i will have to decide if i'm going to get to know them or not. i'm leaning towards not.

looking back

i was reading a post someone wrote on tumblr something about journaling and it made me think. geez, if only i had kept a journal since like... last april... it would make it so much easier for me to see in myself the changes that everyone else says are so obvious. im not kidding when i say i dont see them, like... i know i have changed a lot since last year, but i can't pick out specific things that have changed besides my actions, and sometimes i wonder if theres much of a difference in me since last year, but at the moment i can feel it more. i wish i had kept a journal. it would help me right now, im sure. but either way right now i find myself continueously being amazed by the things God has done for me in my life. i wonder how he could possibly do more, but i know he will.

whirlwind, hurricane, so fast its insane

last night was rough. i was thinking about a million different things at once and depression started to creep its way in. i was really tempted to cut again, i almost gave in, i was so close to letting satan win. thankfully i put the blade down and tried to remind myself of who i am, where i am, and who i'm serving, and i knew that if i gave in it would only hurt God and bring me further away from Him. so i didnt do it. the fact is, these days, i have been clinging to God more than i have in a long time, i need to, but sometimes i can't really feel Him and i get scared cuz it feels like im clinging to nothing, but He is there and i need to trust Him. but its kinda like... i came so close to messing up... and no one is going to read this and try to help me, everyones just gunna be like 'oh good, you didnt do it,' but i came so close, what if i give in next time? i don't want to be like this anymore, i don't want this to be taking over my life so much. i need help. but no one is there. nothing is helping. the only thing i can do is just try to cling to God and hope that if i hold on to Him long enough He will have compassion and free me from this. but i dont think i'm strong enough to do that. everyone thinks i've been doing so well with everything thats going on, people think i'm so strong, but i'm not. i never have been. and people seem to be giving up on me now too. like.. it used to be that they would try so hard to convince me not to cut and now its like ' no, dont, okay goodnight' what can i do?


i really really hope i won't be at the k7's graduation but i think i already signed up to work for it back in january with my staff application. maybe i'll be able to keep myself so busy with dishes that i wont have to say goodbye to them.

now i see the walls i built are falling

i used to put up a wall. i used to block everyone out. i used to wonder what the world would be like behind my wall, but i didnt dare look. i thought it might be more beautiful than i imagined. i think maybe i was right. my wall is crashing down, and i never planed for this to happen, but i think it is a good thing. i can let people in now, i dont have to push everyone away. i can love people like i never knew was possible. i can see more clearly, i can open up a little. i can be a little less fearful. i can forgive fully and allow old wounds to heal, i can learn so much more all the time. i can go after more opportunitys. i am discovering a whole new side to life. and it is good.


but... im also more vulnerable than i'd like to be, i have to trust God with childlike faith, or i wouldnt be able to put my gaurd down, to watch my wall come crashing down and see what its like on the other side. in this kind of life im begining to experiance, i will surely be hurt deeply, but for some reason, im okay with that. sometimes you need to go through pain to experiance healing. you live and learn. its time to stop holding back.