in a book my class was reading for term one, a man who was mentally challenged had an operation to increase his intelligence, it worked, and he had a whole new life, but then i turned out that it was only temporary and every day he got a little dummer, knowing he would go back to the way he was pre-operation. its kinda weird but i kinda know how he feels.
i was stuck in a life full of lies and sin. but then God rescued me and i learned about him and i was saved. and for a while, i had joy in my life. i was out of the darkness. my vision of life was no longer dim and blinded. but now im falling. and every day it gets a little worse. it wont be long until im back where i started. and it kills me because i dont want this to happen. i want to walk with God for he rest of my life and serve him in everything i do. i want him to be the very reason for everything i do. i want him to be the center of my life. i want to feel him like i did in c.i.t. but every day everything is a little dimer. every day i get a little more depressed. every day i get more and more tempted. every day i want to die more than ever.
im at camp right now, its my last weekend here until staff retreat. i go home today and i honestly cant wait. i dont belong here. and i dont think anyone wants me here. so today im going home, and after staff retreat, i might never come back. ever.
k from now on, im just not going to tell anyone whats going on. im not going to ask for help or just talk to people about things im struggling with or need prayer for. im just going to suffer in silence from now on. i have God on my side though, he can help me.
do guess what i just found out... my dad blames God for my suicide attempts. another life ruined by me. how typical. frickk why am i still alive? i havent done anything significant with my life, i havent impacted other peoples lives (positively), and then theres all the people who would be far better off without me. k so everyone has a lifeline list right? well all through last year i had 4 people on mine, today i thought about it and i changed it, my list now contains 2 people. both of whom are difficult to get a hold of most of the time but w,e. maybe God is trying to teach me to rely more on him and less on other people.
not that anyone cares or anything, but im not actually gunna do it. i think all i needed was somebody to talk to but no one was available and then i ended up od-ing on my melatonin (its a natural sleeping suplement, i even googled it, theres no danger in it and yet it still knocks you out right away) when i woke up i was mad. i dunno what was up with me but i woke up thinking 'fuck everyone they dont care' and then i saw that Jon sent me a message. it was really encouraging. so even if no one else cares, he does, and God does. im gunna keep fighting.
im done with trying. tommorrow i am going to go to school and i am going to smoke again, for the first time in over 5 months i am going to be me again. im so done with this shit. so to all my lovely christ-followers out there, it was a great journey, but its over now, fuck it.
so today i realized im pretty much just a waste of flesh so whats the point of even trying anymore? okay like, seriously since i got back from ledger i have been trying so hard to pass school and all i've acomplished is completely exhausting myself and being more discouraged than ever. i havent even gotten my L yet because i've been so busy with homework that i dont have time to study. i havent been skipping anymore, i've been trying as hard as i can, i dont have a life because of it (plus the fact that i decided not to do stupid shit anymore so now i dont really have any friends so i guess im just a loser now). we've been looking at careers in planning and every single career matchmaker snd self annayase has said that my career has to be something involving people and collage. i cant do collage. i can hardly make it through high school how the hell am i gunna get through collage? i bet i wouldnt even be able to handle kaleo, and thats been my dream since.. well last october, but still. frig, i guess i dont have a career. maybe i'll just have to wash dishes for a living since i guess thats the only thing i can actually do and i can hardly even do that because of my friggen hands. oh yeah, and i've been dreaming of becoming a writer since i knew how to write and i've been so busy lately and then i was so distracted and uninspired when i was a stoner that i havent been published in at least 2 years! i only have like 2 years left until i will be too old to enter student writer contests and then how will i get published? i want to enter some new stuff but i dont even write anymore because im so busy trying to get my life back on track and its like frigg. honestly i dont know why i even bother.
okay so it started with me watching the simpsons in my room and attempting to do homework. then i got a phone call from a frien who told me that his dad was not doing so well and might be dying. he said he was calling everyone he knew to ask for prayer and apparently i was the first one he thought of (aww). we talked about it for a while and i had no idea what to say so i just listened and mentioned some bible stories, particularly Job, like geez what didnt happen to Job? then somehow we got on the subject of the retreat (sr.high). last years retreat was when we met and soooo much has changed since then. he told me how surprised he was at how far i've come since then. he said that when he herd about my life back then he thought it would take wayy longer for me to change and he said for someone who's only been trying for like a year he's amazed at how 'mature' i've become. he said that when he talks to me it seems like i've been christian for way more than a year (haha a year.. try since like april, and only fully since june 11th.) but still, that was really encouraging. but it was also kinda like 'noooo your better, im in a rough patch' but w,e. okay so then i went on fb to get some other people to pray for him and then went to my other room (okay yeah i know that sounds so rich but theyre both really small so it evens out)
i started to pray for him and his dad and his familyand then i dont really remember what i said but it ended with 'there is nothing without you' and thats when it happened, i finally broke. it was incredable. i cried to God for forgiveness. i asked him to help me to rely on him more and to use me to do his will. i told him i was sorry for cutting and promised that i would rely on him more, and then i turned around and looked at the book that i've been hiding my razor blade in. thats when i took it and said 'i love you more' and with that, i threw it out the window. and thats when i felt it, the refreshing 'clean' feeling i always get after asking for forgiveness. for the rest of the night i listened to worship music and then fell asleep. it was an amazing, beautiful night.
honestly, k its like midnight right now so i cant call anyone and nobody is on fb and like friggers i need to talk to someone. i kinda really want to cut... again... and i dunno, its dumb. i hate how i always feel like this when theres no one to talk to.
i have no life. but i guess thats better than the life i used to be stuck in but what if i slip into it again? im scared. and depression is kicking in again. i find myself thinking about a lot of stuff i shouldnt think about. last night i was thinking about this river that has 'death' written all over it and i wanted to jump in, knowing i would never survive and then i thought about it and then i was like "what the fuck? no way. im not going to kill myself. i shouldnt even be thinking about it" but i dunno, satan is attacking me but God is better so im going to keep trying. i mean, i cant forget the amazing gift he has given me. i love God, even though its hard. but i dunno, im definately in a rough patch. i ruined everything.
i dont want this anymore but at the same time, i dont want it to go away im done with my past yet i still dwell in it sometimes maybe if my heart stopped beating it wouldnt hurt this much i kinda wish it could all just be over. right. now. but its not and i dont intend on making another attempt to end it. but still, whats the point in me being alive anymore? im pretty sure i did what i was supposed to do, why cant i just die now? what am i saying? this is bad, this is really bad. i should not be thinking this anymore, i thought i was over these thoughts but i guess im not, i wonder if i ever will be. i guess God has something else planed for me, i know he wouldnt put me through anything i cant handle, i just wish he didnt trust me so much. frig, why is this happening? i thought id be so much better after the weekend, i mean, it was so encouraging, but theres some stuff that i still need to work through i guess. frig, i need to talk to my kaleos, but theyre gone and i need to let go already.
i was watching tv when someone went in to my other room and then left, thinking they were looking for me i went downstairs after a while to see what was up only to find.... my mother... reading my Bible!!!!! its cool, we've been challenging each other so much lately, she'll ask me about why i dont beleive certain parts of her religion and i always answer 'find it in the Bible and i'll believe you.' the result? i'm asking more questions and getting some awesome answers thanks to the kaleos and im really double-cheaking what i believe, which is great, and she is searching for answers in the Bible. its great! she read some parts of it to me and asked questions and i got to explain some of the things to her, it was so rad. it was more curiosity than anything but she got pretty into it and its def a great start.
so this other thing thats going on right now... kaleo. honestly, i thought i was done with them. i swore i wouldnt let myself get attached to the new ones but i am. i mean, they are so accepting and really fun to hang out with and when i ask them questions they have such great insights and its like danngggg. this is not allowed to happen. they leave in april and i am not going to let myself care. i wont let myself feel a thing when they leave. but i hate the thought of not seeing them anymore. i want to get to know them more, but then i get scared because 'they're kaleos, they come, they leave' and now im just getting closer to them. its annoying, its good but it sucks.
how could it be better than this? im at camp with Laura, Tara, Steve, Chris, a bunch of c.i.t's, the kaleos, and i even got to see MiSheri (thats code for michelle + sheri, theyre practically one person anyways..
one of the kaleos made me memorize my fave verse and it worked, he also got me to read what the kaleos had to read for their ot lit class, the challenge is i need to read it all by mens retreat. aaaannnndddd.... i finally told him a bit about my life. i feel so much better now, its not like i told him any details or anything just the basics like "haha i was such a stoner, it was stupid."
theres so much more to tell but id rather go ask more questions.
btw theres this other kaleo and dang he's smart. he knows so much biblical stuff.
(notice the lack of the words "replacements" and "new kaleos"? i think i like theese people. but will i see them again after mens retreat? the thought of not seeing them again scares me, i didnt want to get attached to them but i am.)
why is it that after all this transformation and after all the amazing things God has done for me im still tempted to cut, i still want to go back to my old life sometimes but theres no turning back now, im not the same as i used to be. and no matter how much i want to do it, i've got people who are looking to me as an example, i told them not to cut and i refuse to be a hypocrite. grrrr but i want to. and my scars are begining to fade which scares me because i've never not had them since i started and i dont want them to go away because they a part of who i am. my scars tell a story and without them my past would only be a memory.
5 months! thats almost half a year! i cant even believe it. i never thought any of this could ever be possible and now look at how much has changed. sometimes im so in awe of Him i cant even speak. sometimes i get so excited i wish i could scream from the roof tops 'God is unfathomably amazing!' like actually guys.... 5 months! i havent gone that long since i started it, and i was only 12. wow. a lot has changed since then. sometimes i look back on my past and actually just start laughing at it, my past does not control me anymore.
another amazing thing happened last night. my parents said i am allowed to get baptised. they dont understand, they dont agree, but they say i'm allowed. which means i got a heck of a lot of praying to do to find out when i should do it. hopefully i can talk to JimBad about it this weekend.
i cant wait to tell Trent, he'll be so stoked.
but possibly the best part about this weekend is the fact that Laura will be there, i cant wait to talk to her.
so if you guys could pray that God would tell me... loud and clear because this is kinda a big thing... when the right time is to get baptised.
i cant believe this is even a possibility, God is so friggen amazing. i love him so much. at this point, i couldnt even imagine walking away from him. life suck without him.
i find it somewhat strange how after like 2 months of not being able to talk to any girls about anything and then i finally got to one day and i kept saying to a friend of mine "im so glad i can finally talk to a girl about this" and the next day a friend was saying to me "its so nicee to have a girl to talk to, not just about boys but about whats really going on, im glad your here"
its cool how even if theres something you dont really have, like someone you can really connect with and go to for help, you can be that someone for somebody else. the truth is, theres been times that i have seriously thought my brain would explode just by thinking about God. those times were not from asking for help or readoing the bible or anything focused on me and my relationship with God. the times that i learn the most and grow the most are the times when i'm helping someone else. if anyone is reading this and does not have someone under their wing i would strongly advise you do it. not only will it help them but it will make you so much stronger.
im in need of a lot of prayer right now. for oppourtunities to tell people about God and to serve him, for strength and patience and the ability to be a good mentor to people. to actually go to church on communion and not run away in fear, more than that i think i should actually take it this time, though i highly doubt that will happen. for open hearts when i talk to my parents about baptism and for patience if it ends horrible and they freak. and for the strength to allow myself to be broken, to stop building up so many walls, i didnt really realize i was doing it until i thought about the kaleos... im such a bitch by thinking of them as the replacements, i want this to stop. i want to see them as the awesome people they are and not be constantly restraining from getting to know them simply because they are kaleos, kaleos leave. theres this one guy, he's so awesome and its easy to talk to him and i hardly ever feel different around him, its like having a brother almost execpt i keep holding back. i try not to let him know anything about me. the most i've ever told him about me was about my mom, Jon, and a few random memories of my friends. i want to talk to him more but im scared because i dont want him to be Jon's replacement. theres another friend i have at kaleo, i knew him before he was a kaleo but now i think of him differently. i dont talk to him as much as i used to and when i do i feel guilty about it because i always think 'is he becomeing Jon's replacement' this is not right. but its the same thing with this girl at kaleo, she's awesome and so accepting of people but i never talk to her because i think "what if she becomes my replacement for Kylie" this just aint right. it needs to stop. so yeah...
i want to get baptised. like.... really really really want to be baptised. like... theres a little voice that keeps screaming in my ear "its time"
problem: my parents wont let me. i dont want to do it without their permission. but how can i explain this to them when i dont even know how to put this into words? how i can i get them to see my side? how can i be understanding of their side and show them that i do care what they think, without giving up on what i beleive? how can i get them to at least let me do it? how?
so please pray for me guys, im going to try to talk to them about it.
i always thought it was my fault but it isnt. i thought you were a horrible person but your not. i thought you stole everything from me and i was destroyed but as it turns out you didnt destroy me you made me stronger because i learned an important lesson. i thought i had to be afraid of all guys because they could turn out like you but that was wrong. i thought that i needed justice for what you did to me but i dont, i need to have mercy. more importantly, you made a mistake and it hurt me a lot and although i will never be able to forget what you did i realize now that it was a mistake and im letting go. you did not destroy me, instead i learned things i would have never discovered. and i would never have this glorious moment of just letting go. i forgive you. and i forgive myself.
i pray that you would seek help, i worry about you. i hope you move on and do great things in your life. i hope you find a reason to live a long and joyful life, one that does not involve murder or suicide.
i want good things for you. and i regret being so hateful and bitter all theese years
staff training week we did a one word prayer thing. scott said "God i pray that this summer you would..." and people finished the sentence. a friend of mine said "free the captive"
He did. He set me free.
the past 5 months, everything has changed. and God has done so much in me and now he is doing things through me too. i never thought i had anything to offer. i thought i was worthless but i tried to do what i could for God anyways, it turns out, i did have something to offer.. my life. my story. my words. my hand to help in any way i can. a willingness to serve him. thats all that it takes.
someone saw something in me this weekend that i didnt even really see in myself. she told me that seeing me change inspired her. she says i proved to her that anything is possible, just by living. well.... obviously it wasnt me that proved that to her, but God working through me. i am nothing without him. God is using me so much and i am so amazed, so blessed, so honoured, so incredably undeserving of this great gift and great responsabilty that he has placed on me.
i am here for a purpose, one purpose, to live as he did and serve him with everything i have.
God saved my life. and i am forever changed because of it. he can do anything. rescue is possible through him and only him and it will ALWAYS be possible.
i prayed that if i endured through this rough patch, God would provide me with some sort of help, a place for refuge from the storm, and a chance to have some fun again. i got it.
today i am going to victoria to see Lauren, i'm so beyond stoked. im staying the night there and then we're going to camp together. lil dude is gunna be at camp :)
im so stoked.
although im starting to worry about it being my last weekend working there. my dad is very unhappy aboout what dishpit does to my skin and he keeps yelling at me and asking why i do it. he calls me "camp slave" and everytime i say that im not a slave he says "well if your not a slave, why do you work there? how could you work when you know what it will do to your hands?" grrr i wish he could just understand, camp means the world to me, its the one place that i can truly call home. so i guess im going to have to start lying to him, which kinda sucks cuz i could really see it ending badly but w,e.
okay so God definately decided to talk to me through one of my amazing cit sisters today, and i know it was God because she knew i wasnt doing so great and needed some encouragement, how else would she know? it was definately encouraging but also challenging. she said that i need to learn to totally despise the life i used to live, if i dont despise it, how can i resist it? i need to despise drugs and cigarettes and cutting and all that stupid crap i was into, but can i? what if i cant? and if i cant... does that mean i love it? i cant love it, i must love God and those things totally go against him. i need to let go of my old life and accept the fact that thats not me anymore, and embrace this new way of life i am discovering.
though right now, i'm learning through struggles, im in a state of confusion and a lot of self-doubt but it will pass.
another thing thats cool, well.. im reading this awesome book, and its helping me a lot. its about secrets and why girls tend to bottle things up so much, and how to let go and get over secrets and stuff. i've only read 2 chapters so far, in the first chapter the book asks us to write down our secrets, why we keep them, and a prayer. in the second chapter, it asks us to write a letter to a parent or someone talking about issues with home life, how it makes you feel, what you usually do instead of talking about it, and what you resolve to do instead of harming yourself. its helped me a lot although maybe i should let go of a few of those secrets, but not now.
i feel so weak. i feel so broken. i dont know what to do, i dont know where to turn to. i keep trying to reach out for help but nobodys there. is it supposed to be this hard? im scared of falling back into all the crap that used to take over my life. and im scared for the people i love who are letting it take over theirs. i was so desperate to talk to a girl that i actually tried to talk to my mom about it. pathetic. i need help. and im not going to camp until the weekend which means i have to survive another whole week of school. and i really want to cut... fuck, im so friggen weak. i hate myself for it.
maybe i was stupid to think that i should get out of the crap i was into before, maybe i was mislead by thinking i could lead by example, like Jesus did maybe i did something wrong by thinking i could be better maybe i was ignorant by thinking there was hope.
maybe everything i just said is a lie. maybe this is a test maybe its just the devil trying to take me back maybe im going to be okay maybe God is carrying me right now maybe there is hope for me maybe rescue is still possible.
