there's just one problem- i can't. i want more than anything to be able to shout from the tops of the mountains "God is real, i believe in Him, i want to follow Him." but i just can't, because i'm...scared. i know he is real, i know he loves me, i know he made me for a reason, but what reason could there possibly be? i long for the day when i can walk up to my friends as they surround themselves with weed, tobacco, and liquor and say, with a smile on my face, "no, i don't do that anymore, i don't want any." why can't that day be today? why am i so afraid of getting dispointed that i refuse all hope, and let myself sit there drowning in misery because i know the truth and yet im still so afraid of getting hurt, that i only hurt myself more. but how can i change? would god really help me? maybe he would... but how can i ask him to? the anser is right in front of me, but i cant remove the scales from my eyes so that i can see it, but i know it is there. i can feel it lingering in my heart, just waiting for me to break down these walls i've surrounded myself with, and when i cant do it myself, ask jesus to help me, to take my hand and guide me out of this hell hole i've created for myself. to show me what life is like on the other side of the walls, a life filled with colour and light and happiness and love. what is stopping me? why can't i go for it? its like i'm battling with myself right now, part of me saying "go. you want this more than anything, you know where your happiness lies, go out there and fight for it" the other part of me saying "are you retarded? build those walls a little higher, your never gunna be free. you'll just get hurt even more, don't do it." so which me will win? the stubborn, broken, mess that just wants to hide until its over, or die because it gets to hard. or the longing, hopeful, hiden warrior that wants so desperately to live for god, to see what life is like on the other side, to find happiness and fight for it to the death. i know what i want. i know how to get it. so why can't i go for it?
good news-no, great news- no, the most absolutely fantastic, wonderful, spectacular, awesomely amazing, miraculous, perfect news ever. I GOT ACCEPTED FOR CIT. and now i have millons of thoughts running through my head at once its so hard to concentrate. i found at at 2 or 3 in the morning actually, right after having a conversation with a friend who seemed absolutely convinced i'd be accepted, and i was feeling extremely unsure, so i'm still waiting for the millons of "i told you so"s that he's entitled to. but with c.i.t comes a lot of other worries. for one thing, where the fuck do i live? and where am i going to live when summer comes? i want to go home. but i dont know where home is. i dont think i even have a home. is it gunna be like this forever? and then what about all the stuff i'm going to miss? imadene... youbou...lake cowichan... friends... swimming....fucking regatta!!!! omg i just thought of that. what about the quarter mile, i'm gunna miss it. damn it. and what about darian? the shack? the beach? those sweet campfires.... drunken summer days and nights.... camping with everyone... parties... not being surrounded by ocean.. jumping off the bridge.... bike rides.... tofino... all stuff im going to miss. but i know its worth it. and what about all the shit i'm gunna have to go through when i tell my friends i'm missing out on 2 months of straight parties to go to a christian camp? i must have a death wish right? its still worth it.
its so new to me... all this hope thats coming with cit. this could change everything...um no. it WILL change everythiing. this excitement, this happiness, it makes me feel so alive.
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