feeling the pressure

a millon things are running through my head at once. i cant think straight.

i called my brother Miles on saturday (p.s he's the one who had the wedding) that went surprisingly well. i learned to shut my mouth and just avoid the whole subject of the wedding fiasco and not talking to him since september 2007. why would god sacrifice their happiness for my life? i wish i could go to heaven for like 5 minutes, just to ask that one question, after that, i could endure hell, at least i'd know.

things with my parents are...well....not good. now its not just dad and me thats avoiding each other, its my mom avoiding Ben and i, me avoiding my dad, and my dad just staying in his office. apparently he's started drinking now, because of me. that was good for my conscious mom, thanks for saying that.

im not doing so well with my grades, well, thats an understatement, i'm failing. but at least i'm attending now.

i miss my kitty. now, really, how can a lump of fat and fur possibily be so adorable and lovable? i miss him so much. i also miss the veiw out my window, the lake, the store, the home-cooked meals my mom always made that were so friggen delicious. and my bike, my computer, my rooms, the little girls i babysit, and a bunch of other stuff from home. but when i visit there, it's cold. lifeless. clean. like i no longer exsist, but they're still waiting for me to come home, my room cleaned and ready, but i can't go back. i just cant.

the kaleos come back this week. i was totally ok, still missing them, but ok.. until saturday, now i'm suddenly anxious to see them, as if it's been months since the last time i saw them, but really they were only gone for 3 weeks. Leila's baptism is this saturday, so i'm staying the night. it will be my last chance to spend time with them before they graduate. (its nearly impossible to talk to them at youth, and church is so.....churchy. i feel like little gracie again, just at a new location, with a few more young people. the majority of our chuch is 80 years old. i was kinda hoping the kaleos would rescue the church music at least, but its still the same old songs, how can you tell its a church for old people? they call theeir songs 'hymms.' but yea, im definately looking forward to seeing them again, but their graduation is in only a few weeks. and i dont want to say goodbye to them. i've decided not to go to their graduation, because for one thing, nobody asked me, (its a 'just show up' kind of thing) and for another thing, well, i cant. its hard enough to say goodbye to them, if i actually went, the goodbyes might get too personal and painful for me to handle. what if i cry? they've seen me cry once already, i dont want that to happen again. especially if its over them. its hard for me though, saying goodbye, knowing how much they have changed me, this year has changed me, it cant be over can it? what am i going to do next year? i cant just go back to where i was. not after everything thats happened this year, they showed me who jesus really is and what he's about. one of them in particular.. and they actually got me to go to church and youth. and i know they're not reading this, so i can tell the truth. one of them actually saved my life once, and he doesnt know about it at all. and he probally never will, unless he reads this, which he wont. if thats not enough changes and goodbyes, i also have my youth leaders leaving a week after the kaleos leave. no joke. at least i'll get to see them in the summer, but still, i dont want them to go. i cant handle all these goodbyes. not now. not all at once. and not friggen 2 days before 4:20 (thats just the kaleos) as if i didnt have enough reason to mess up, but now i'll be all depressed because theyre gone... ye... it will be crazy. maybe i can do one of my random trips that weekend. i've already gone to van and vic, where to now? nanimo? vic again? i must admit theres a few people in vic i've been dying to talk to. maybe that would be a good time to go. a friend of mine is dealing with goodbyes too. only she's doing it differently. instead of wanting to spend as much time with them as possible before they go, she's decided to just say goodbye early, online, and then avoid them in hopes that she'll eventually get over them a lot less painfully. i'm begining to think she's got the right idea. maybe i should do that. maybe i'll say my goodbyes this weekend, and then do the same thing she's doing. but what if i dont want to?

well... on the bright side... the one thing thats keeping me alive right now. the light at the end of the tunnel. summer at qwanoes! im planning on spending the whole summer there, and i know its gunna be sweet, and i know its gunna change me. but, arent i dealing with enough change right now? whats gunna happen when i get pcd (post camp depression) i've gone to camp enough to know the feeling, you get back from the most amazing week ever (in this case it will be the entire summer, so the the case of pcd will be a hundred times worse), you've changed so much, and your phyched to maintain that happiness all year. but then you get back and face reality. nothing has changed. you have changed. but nothing else. everything is exactly the same. you are the only one thats different. and then comes the pcd. the giant fall. the huge guilt. and the enormious anger. eventually you get over it. but its pretty tough.

i have decided that i want to live for god. but i cant do that while i'm still messing up. if i can manage to stop messing up all the time, then maybe i can live for god. maybe it will be good. maybe it will be even better than what i hoped for. its worth a try right? or maybe... im just being stupid.