as we were lying in the sun and looking out at the water and talking all about ledger she mentioned.. him. i try not to think about him. it upsets me more than people know. i'll never forget it. i can still replay it in my mind over and over again, every time. its weird talking to her about him because we dont talk about problems. she told me that she remembered the bruises. she asked how it started, she didnt understand why i feel so bad about it. i explained to her that it wasnt what he did it was the fact that i was so scared that i just stopped saying no. she said that its very common. she asked if i had wanted them to something, i said no. i didnt tell her this but i kinda wish i had, i wish she hadnt replyed the way she did when i told her. "its basic biology, you gave him what he wanted" will haunt me forever. i hate those words. she told me that i just need to forgive myself, once i can do that, i will be okay, i can let go. but its not just him, its everything. if i could learn to forgive myself, i could let go of everything, i could finally move on, all i need to do is forgive myself. but i never will. i will be long dead and never ever forgive myself, which is why i cant let go. i will not forgive myself. hence why i get so depressed, hence why i tried to kill myself, hence why i've done so many things, i can not forgive myself.
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