stuck in my stupidity again... why havent you given up on me yet?

so things haven't been so good lately...
i've basically just given up on myself, figuring its easier not to hope for anything than to have all hope painfully shattered and be left empty and disappointed. i need to spend some time writing or something, anything to change my mind. i continuously tell myself that i am worth nothing to the world and everyone would be so much better off without me. yet i know of one person that would be so hurt if i died, so i face the continuous pain and think about her, hoping that she will forgive me. but i dont think she will, and it breaks my heart, and she will probally read this and never realize its about her, and i tell her how much i care, but she refuses to listen, it kills me.

i've been making a lkot of mistakes lately, but this is my life now, it could never be any different. i'm sorry for all the people i've hurt.

lately i've been feeling so horrible, i try to convince everyone that i'm totally fine, but then there are those annoying people who can make me freeze and listen by just saying my name, and i know exactly what they're going to say, and every word hits me like a dagger, i dont even know why. its people like that who somehow can get me to tell them stuff when its the last thing i want to do, and they dont even have to say anything, theres just something about them.

i am promising myself right now that i will never let myself get attached to another one of the kaleo's next year, i hate how im counting down the days until they graduate, and it kills me because im afraid of saying goodbye, and i'll really miss them. they have affected my life so much, i never realized until now. and i tried so hard not to care, that was pointless.

im regretting something a lot right now, and its too late, im screwed. why do i have to be so friggen stupid? well i guess it doesnt matter that much if i make a huge mistake, its what i diserve for being such an idiot.

friggers qwanoes has never meant so much to me, sometimes its the only thing that keeps me alive. but i highly doubt i'll be there this summer, i applied, but i dont think they'd accept me.